[zoiecat]

I know a lot of people on this forum prefer the gentle, validating, warm and fuzzy approach from their T but I am on the opposite end of this spectrum. My main goal in therapy is to get better as quickly as possible. I know I have a lot of issues and it has already been 3 years and progress has been so slow even though my T is very progress oriented and does not allow idle chit chat or complaining about my life issues of the week. Even with that, I still know he tries to be gentle and not push me to fast past my comfort zone. He always says with DID it is impossible to go too slow but very easy to go too fast.

I also know that I irritate him sometimes with certain things I say or do. He is not good at hiding it. I guess what I am getting at is that I want to approach him next week and tell him to stop the "therapist niceties" and just tell me the way it is. I want him to be honest with me and push me into what I need to do to get better as quickly as possible. I also know some things he might say will piss me off but I am willing to take it in order to get better faster. No one in my life has ever treated me with kid gloves so there is no reason to start now.

Any ideas or comments on how to best approach this request with success? I have asked him in the past to be mean to me because my head rejects niceness and he said he would not do that because 1) it would not be ethical and 2) he would be afraid of pushing to far and causing more harm.. I guess my current request is a step down from the last one. I just want him to be honest with me and tell me when I am doing something stupid or be straight forward about what I need to change or work harder on.

[Rive.]

I think the way to go about it is just as you said. In other words, ask him to be honest even if some of the things he says/does might upset you. Ask him to challenge you. Challenging not in the sense of being confrontational with a client but pushing them towards self-growth or exploring different ways of doing things etc (rather than following your comfort zone)

You can stress that you will be able to take it and work on any upset/rupture with him because your goal is to get better, improve, whatever word applies.

A decent T would not purposely be mean to a client or tell them they are doing something stupid... but you can get an 'edgy' T that, while providing support, gently challenges you towards a direction of growth (whatever that means to you).

[ScarletPimpernel]

From the beginning, I've asked both my Ts to be open and honest with me especially with how I affect them. And they have done it. Some extremes is when I have hurt them. Both have told me.

I think it's valid and important to ask a T for honesty. And the best way to do that is for you to be open, honest, and direct with him.

[Omers]

If I were to approach my T with that request he would gently tell me I was trying to replicate part of my past and that we needed to look at why I was not being patient enough with myself or not thinking I was worth the time it took to truly heal. He is big on “it takes as long as it takes”.

[LonesomeTonight]

Well, you could try my T!

[zoiecat]

It may take as long as it takes but I want it done faster. He knows this is a long going issue for me.

He will probably say ok well then go back on your meds. I have been off for almost 2 weeks now and it brings out a lot of my negative controlling parts. I am being stubborn and want to prove I can get by without the meds. I actually want my abusive parts to come out again because they are mean and push me to work harder.

I am starting to spiral which ai guess is why I want my T to be more like my abusive parts. It doesn't change the fact that I still want him to start being brutally honest with me. I guess I feel that way I will at least know where I will stand. Secretly I also want him to tell me my life is not that bad and I should suck it up and move on. I know that thought was triggered by a recent post on that topic.

[sophiebunny]

DID isn't a hurry up rush integrate process. There is a lot of trauma to process and trauma can never be rushed through. It seems curious to me that you want hurry up and done DID. I had DID. I am successfully integrated. Hurry up and done would have killed me. Are you asking your therapist to replicate a trauma in some way? Your request for hurry up with DID is not in keeping with how the disorder is treated. You may want to talk to your therapist about why rushing is your goal and not solid recovery.

[zoiecat]

I guess in a way I am asking him to replicate part of my trauma. Now that I think about it I have asked him to do this in multiple ways in the past. Some of my parts contribute to my "hurry up and done" desires. I also don't want to become dependent on my T. I see too much of that on this forum and it scares me. I know I am asking for something against the norm that is why I was wondering if anyone else ever feels the same way or has any suggestions on how to accomplish my desire.

Although I want to get better, I also struggle all the time with wanting to quit and accepting that there is anything really wrong with me in the first place. I REALLY want my T to tell me there is no real reason for me to come any more. The only reason I have not quit is because I fear that I will go down the tubes quickly and we have discussed that I would lose my end of the day appointment times and with my work schedule that is the only time I can go. If could take years for me to get my timeslot back. My brain goes back and forth about it all the time. Maybe that is another reason I want to be done NOW. If he would fire me or tell me it is useless, that would solve all of my issues for me.

[Xynesthesia2]

I wanted the same from my Ts, zoiecat... but no success unfortunately I really think it takes certain personality traits/preferences in a T to work in that way, to be no-nonsense, direct and efficient with cutting to the core of things. I wanted that in Ts because I am a lot like that myself and what I prefer from most other people. I requested this from the Ts but the most it achieved: T1 had very erroneous perceptions and when I asked for challenge, I received a *** load of his projections instead, and T2 became more direct but still overly cautious and slow for my taste. What I would personally do now is to screen Ts right from the beginning, keeping this as a goal. I think that is possible because that sort of directness is usually associated with other personality and communication features that are not that hard to pick up. Maybe with the T you have been working with for a while I would try to always ask for their opinion and suggestion in a straightforward manner and would not let them sneak out and deflect. I would perhaps even say if they were not willing to be more direct with me and give useful feedback, I would stop going because I am not paying someone for pleasant conversation and validation, can get that from many others for free. One can be clear and to the point and still respectful. The thing though still is that the Ts thinking and advice should be quite compatible with yours otherwise it might just become even more frustrating being misunderstood and misinterpreted.

[zoiecat]

Thanks Xyn. I appreciate the insight.

[susannahsays]

I think there is a type of therapy where the therapist is very confrontational... I think it's call Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (although irc there is a stepped version for long term treatment).

In any case, to me it doesn't actually sound like you want your therapist to be honest and tell the truth based on what you are expecting/wanting him to say. You seem to have insight that this is about recreating trauma and wanting to quit, so I wonder what the dissonance is here. I wouldn't conceptualize this issue as wanting him to tell you the truth and be honest.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think Gestalt therapy is more confrontational as well.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think Gestalt therapy is more confrontational as well.

This is a bit of a stereotype about Gestalt based on how it was practised when it was first conceived in the 60s. Modern Gestalt is deeply relational and, in my experience, is about paying attention to Gestalt concepts (achieving wholeness; understanding figures/foreground; raising awareness; the between; etc). Of course, challenges are made by the therapist but possibly no more than other modalities.

The more you ask your therapist to be confrontational, the more he will say that he doesn't want to cause you harm. I wonder if your asking this of him is a device you are using to reassure yourself that he is safe, careful and the therapy can withstand you pushing him.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

This is a bit of a stereotype about Gestalt based on how it was practised when it was first conceived in the 60s. Modern Gestalt is deeply relational and, in my experience, is about paying attention to Gestalt concepts (achieving wholeness; understanding figures/foreground; raising awareness; the between; etc). Of course, challenges are made by the therapist but possibly no more than other modalities.

Ah ok. I know there was a previous poster whose T was very confrontational, and her T would say she does Gestalt therapy, and that’s how it works, or something like that (this was a couple years ago and is the only poster mentioning Gestalt, so only impression I had. Could be her T was using that as excuse or was more old school though).

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Ah ok. I know there was a previous poster whose T was very confrontational, and her T would say she does Gestalt therapy, and that’s how it works, or something like that (this was a couple years ago and is the only poster mentioning Gestalt, so only impression I had. Could be her T was using that as excuse or was more old school though).

I am sure that some therapists still embrace these out-dated ideas around practice. Also, Gestalt definitely attracts odd people (both client and therapist and I include myself in the former category!) so, again, I wouldn't be surprised.

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Ah ok. I know there was a previous poster whose T was very confrontational, and her T would say she does Gestalt therapy, and that’s how it works, or something like that (this was a couple years ago and is the only poster mentioning Gestalt, so only impression I had. Could be her T was using that as excuse or was more old school though).

I knew someone who used to be a Gestalt therapist before he retired and he definitely had that style and liked and would have wanted in a T as well. But, as I said before, it was obvious that the direct, no-nonsense style was generally in his personality. He combined that with a very respectful, attentive and curious orientation, very insightful as well. I met him in a peer support group and many people admired him similarly. It was partly my interactions with him that got me interested in trying psychotherapy in the first place. He also apparently received a lot of Gestalt therapy before he trained for it. All this was at least a decade ago so it might well be that he was part of an older school of it. His interaction style was very relational though but he has very clear, solid boundaries - something else I liked very much. He wouldn't let people mess with him and expressed very clearly when someone was going too far.

[LilyMop]

Isn’t Gestalt therapy good for anxiety, depression and relationship issues?

I think it’s good to be ready to face issues and move on.

I think it takes as long as it takes though.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

His interaction style was very relational though but he has very clear, solid boundaries - something else I liked very much. He wouldn't let people mess with him and expressed very clearly when someone was going too far.

Boundaries are integral to a relational style, another thing which is misunderstood about a relational approach. Relational work often seems to be misinterpreted as a cosy, cosy, fluffy love-in, but it is also about the clear and boundaried nature of where one ends and the other begins - and sometimes that stings.

[zoiecat]

I appreciate everyone's responses. You have all given me a lot to think about. Unfortunately I have a huge deadline I am working on for work tomorrow and don't have the time to think it through right now.

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Boundaries are integral to a relational style, another thing which is misunderstood about a relational approach. Relational work often seems to be misinterpreted as a cosy, cosy, fluffy love-in, but it is also about the clear and boundaried nature of where one ends and the other begins - and sometimes that stings.

That makes perfect sense to me and what I would expect. There is no good relating in any area of life without solid, healthy boundaries, I think. For me personally, that does not sting, it makes me feel satisfied in any relationship. The last sentence is key though IMO - the parties involved do need to have a good sense of where one ends and the other begins. The desire for merging and accepted whatever that many people have might be what causes a misinterpretation of what "relational" means, but in therapy way too many Ts make it a mess as well.