Therapist told me "To avoid grumpy people stay at home"

I'm very shaken about this. I will say ahead I experience traits of Borderline Personality Disorder , OCD, and Socail Anxiety.

. I went to see my Occupational Therapist today and we were looking at jobs online and going through my career advisor results. Then she suggested for a small job to hand out free food like they do at supermarkets. I said to her I can't do that because that's facing alot of people. Maybe I should do some thing small. She asked like what? I said to her like... maybe with animals. So we saw a job for animal grooming and she said well it says you know be clean and stuff. I said I'm not that clean. She said she isnt either or organize but her job does required it. But at home she not. I then went back to that facing customer handing free food. I said to her I'm just scared of grumpy customers. Then she said "Oh well if you want to avoid grumpy people just stay at home"
I felt so upset and shocked. I said quietly that's mean. She told me how she was "challenging me" maybe that works for some "people" , but that doesnt work for me at all.
She said she wont let me go being upset. So I felt really trap and didnt want to stay there crying. So I asked can I go to the toilet she said she would fellow me. Which I didnt want! It felt a bit uncomfortable for me.
She waited outside the toilets and I cried, I literally sat on the toilet floor and cried my heart out. I some how gathered myself. I went back and we spoke she told me again she said that to me to "challenge me." Again I was thinking afterwards may work for some people but not me at all. She said she was sorry and how it didnt came from a bad place. She asked if I wanted to say anything. I was abit hensisted too, but I did anyway. I just said to her trying my best use my DBT skills "When I was told that to avoid grumpy people I might as well live at home, that really hurt me" she said "how that didnt came from a bad place and she was sorry" but then I said "I just felt as if your were frustrated?" And she kinda did a nervous laugh and said to me "I think its cause you are scared working a job" which I didnt say anything back I just felted a deep, deep sense if shame.

Afterwards well let's put it short. I literally cried the whole day.

I don't think she should have followed you around and forced her presence on you. That was so wrong and would have really upset me if I had been you. I can't say I completely understand why you were upset about the comment that she made. I agree that the comment does make it sound like she was a bit frustrated, though, so I can see why that could feel hurtful. It sounds like her comment felt like a huge personal attack to you or something, and you just got really dysregulated as a result. I can kind of relate. However, I think it's important to recognize when the degree of our feelings and reaction are really out of proportion. I don't know if you're at all like me, but when something spins me out, it basically feels like the end of the world and like my very existence is threatened and like I've basically just been called worthless. For me, the trigger is usually a bad grade, or it could even be a critical comment on an assignment I received a good grade on. I conclude that the professor hates me and thinks I'm stupid, and I feel massive, crushing shame.

The thing is, I'm not being reasonable. Maybe it's reasonable to be upset - like if the professor penalizes for not doing something it was never specified I was supposed to do, or somebody else turns in an objectively worse product and receives a better grade. However, does it really make sense that I then take to my bed for the day and want to end my life? Over a dumb grade? No. That is a completely out of proportion reaction and a symptom of my issues with emotional dysregulation.

Your therapist could have been more sensitive in what she was trying to say instead of being sarcastic. And she definitely should have taken ownership of her frustration and not put it back on you as if it's your fault she didn't manage her emotions. I'm just saying to try not to lose sight of the fact that her comment is not the end of the world. It doesn't have to mean anything. Try not to ruminate on it. I'm sorry you've been crying all day - that sucks. Sometimes what helps me is watching something funny. Lots of times, I really don't feel like it, but I make myself do it anyway - and 9/10 times it helps.

I’m sorry, that does feel rather insensitive to me. I think it could have been more productive to discuss your concerns. For example if you are giving out free things at a store you are less likely to run into grumpy people. Very few people complain about free things. It would make sense to not be in management or customer service where you do get a lot of angry people.
Telling you that you can’t leave and following you to the bathroom really upsets me a lot. Not an occupational therapist but my T would never want me to feel trapped or like I couldn’t leave. If I did need to leave he would never ever follow me! Certainly not to the bathroom even if he did think I might leave! He was scared I would run away when we first started and made me promise to tell him if he ever hurt or upset me. He also asked me please not to run from therapy, if something upsets me and I need to leave that is OK, but please call him, email him or come to the next session.
And, most importantly seeing as she seemed to miss it entirely, good job using your DBT!

I don't think your therapist should have followed you to the bathroom. And her comment was a bit insensitive.

But I do think you need to examine why you had such a strong reaction to it. It sounded kind of like a joke to me. When people make jokes, do they upset you this much? Or was it because it was your therapist was saying it?

I’m really sorry that upset you. She could have tried to word it a little nicer. But in a way, she’s right. IF you work with people or even just encounter them out in the world, it’s inevitable that you’ll encounter grumpy ones. Due to this inevitability, it makes more sense to use DBT skills to tolerate encounters with grumpy people than it does to completely avoid them. If it’s too difficult to learn to tolerate and is preventing you from working, it’d be worth looking into disability. I promise this isn’t a personal attack and that I’m just trying to offer some perspective.

Given what you’ve said, I do find it inappropriate that she followed you to the bathroom. Also remember that unless you’re an involuntary inpatient, you have the right to leave at any time, no matter if she wants you to or not. You are a customer, not a hostage.

I don't understand the bathroom part, that's weird. But, I'm not sure why her comment was offensive. I agree it seems like she was making a joke. And it was mostly true! I'm not sure there our many jobs outside the home where you won't run into anyone, and anyone can have a bad day. Obviously customer service jobs probably aren't for you, but even working at an animal shelter, you'll be around others.

She goofed. Then goofed again, several times.

How will you deal with the fact that she's a goofer-person sometimes and says a/some (stupid) thing that hurts your feelings?

One could even say she was "grumpy".

I didn't have BPD but was diagnosed with PDNOS and definitely didn't understand about hurt feelings or what to do with them. That, to me, has been the challenge. But if therapists were ever trying to "challenge" me about that by deliberately hurting my feelings it never worked -- talking about what goes on with hurt feelings would have helped me a whole lot more, I think, how and why it happens, etc.

Whether or not what she said came from a "bad" place would be irrelevant to me. It hurt -- what to do about that next would be the challenge for me. Looks like she didn't help a lot with that?

So sorry you ended up crying the whole day. Is there anything that occurred to you during that awful day that could be at all useful in the future?

hi my name is laura and my therapist is trying to me feel my emotions in therapy but i dont let that happen

Given that you are being treated for Social Anxiety, to me it only seems natural that you have anxiety about doing a job that involves meeting a lot of people. To me, that remark seems out of place, missing the link between your fear and your problems.

Then again, I believe you should consider how long you've been seeing your therapist and how previous contacts went. It's possible that an otherwise great therapist just had a bad day ...

i find therapy hard work for me all the time

Did she insist on following you because you have a history of self harm or suicidal actions? Might have been a safety issue if she felt you might harm yourself in that moment. This was also an occupational therapist not a psychotherapist, so there may have been a protocol for safety guidelines.

She isn’t completely wrong though. No matter where you work or where you go, you are going to run into people who aren’t always pleasant. At some point you have to learn how to deal with the idiots of the world, or yes, the only way to avoid them is to isolate at home.

I totally get why her comment was so triggering. I believe she blurted it out because she felt frustrated with your resistance to her suggestions. It was not to ‘challenge you’. Challenge you to do what? I don’t understand that. It did come from a bad place IMHO. She tried to cover herself by saying otherwise.

I’ve had a couple therapists say something so disparaging to me, too. To say to you, a person who has intense social anxiety and desperately wants to associate in the world, to ‘just stay home’ is totally a trigger and I completely understand why it made you cry all day. It hit a cord to a deep issue. It took a jab right to your core! I’ve had a couple therapists do similar to me, too. They were much meaner in their words to me, also an attack to my very core issues. Were they trying to ‘challenge me’? WTH does that even mean. All they challenged me to do was to ever go back to see them again, which I did not do. The ‘challenged me’ right out the door!

I don’t even think your emotions are ‘dysregulated’ by you crying all day from that exchange. I’ve also been diagnosed borderline traits. I think your tears were a reasonable reaction to seeking a therapist who only takes a mean jab at your extremely sensitive, anxiety issues. Hugs to you.

Do you see how useless and hopeless this kind of comment is? How is this OP supposed to learn? The therapist triggers her, deliberately or not deliberately, and then still just leaves her with her pain? How is this learning anything? Seems to me it's just re-traumatization.

Maybe some people "at some point have to learn how to deal with the idiots of the world" but I think it's fair to say very few people learn all on their own, without supportive family or friends. Hence, coming to therapy as an adult.

IMHO, the therapist was wrong and you are wrong. Maybe not in the sense of how the world works, but in the sense of understanding how the OP works. And that's what the OP went to the therapist for help with.

Not everyone has a personality suited for "dealing with the public." Yes, there will be conflicts at work, but many positions don't involve fulfilling needs of streams of strangers.

Something that struck me about your post, TeaFruit, is that the person who made this remark was an Occupational Therapist, rather than a psychotherapist. Perhaps she is not trained in dealing with extreme reactions from people. I agree with others who opine that she was probably trying to make a joke, rather than to hurt you. She doesn't sound to me like a "mean" person. And it's too true that when you venture out your front door, you're probably fated to encounter grumpy people. Would that it were not so!

On the other hand, I believe this incident is telling you something very important about yourself. Something about the remark accessed some deep, vast area of hurt within you. Do you know what it is? Can you identify it? Work with it? Write about it?

Not necessarily here, I hasten to say, but within yourself.

And as a postscript, I absolutely can relate. I tend to be hypersensitive to the things people do, myself, and can be affected literally for the rest of my life over something someone does or says which I perceive to be hurtful.

I wish you love and healing. Keep in touch here about this if it feels right to you.

I would not expect a response like this from a psychotherapist. I would expect something more attuned, something which respected and understood my internal world and struggle. However, a response like this from an occupational therapist is not surprising or necessarily inappropriate. Occupational therapy is about practical measures, strategic interventions which are based on how effectively you can achieve goals associated with the world of occupation and activity. She made a clumsy comment about grumpy people and followed you to the toilet because of your unexpected emotional response and was presumably confused and worried about your welfare. It sounds like she did her best in a difficult situation. Obviously you are very upset by the interaction; do you see a psychotherapist who can help you process your emotions?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TeaFruit "Oh well if you want to avoid grumpy people just stay at home"

You should have said: "Oh? Well I guess this is our last session then."

I would never be able to say anything like that. And I think it's part of the whole thing that made me vulnerable, too, to a comment like the Occupational Therapist made. Although I likely would have numbed out and been stoic/unfazed, escaped into rational mode or something. The response might have been different but the underlying vulnerability I can identify with.

So -- escaping into rational mode, sometimes that can be useful. . .

Let's parse it out, in terms of feelings?

The OT's comment was a bit of a put-down, and the comment above is a bit of a put-down, correct? A defense, you-push-me, I-push-you-back kind of thing? Only, some of us don't have the desire or where-with-all or what-have-you to do that. We get trampled, then we get trampled some more for getting trampled in the first place, and nobody explains or helps us up or explains. . .or anything. . .not for years and years and years, in my case.

I'd challenge the psychotherapy profession, if I could, about how to help clients with this. Only most of them, from my experience, don't really know how to help clients with it.

That isn't necessarily the Occupational Therapist's concern, as Mopey brilliantly pointed out. But somebody needs to be helping people with this kind of thing, I think. Nobody ever helped me, I may finally be doing some better on my own, but only by luck and after years and years and years.

From other posts, it doesn't sound like you have a psychotherapist you can count on either, Teafruit? Do you have a possibility of trying to find another?

That’s unnecessarily rude to say it back to OT plus isn’t accurate. Occupational therapist is not being grumpy.

I think indirect and sarcastic type of communication (if it could be even called communication) just isn’t healthy. Much healthier to let them know that the comment is hurtful, which OP actually did

Tea fruit could you talk to your t about all this? I am
under impression that you have pretty nice t? Am I right?

She just waited outside the toilets .
Yes I have but I haven't over a year now.

Well it wasnt helpful for me to be told that.
I found it dismissive because I'm saying I'm scared of grumpy people. Then to be told after my response "well to avoid grumpy people, live at home then" isnt a good response at all. Or helpful. Plus Inhave social anxiety so how does throwing someone in the deep end in front of customers are good idea.
I dont do good at flooding. More gradual steps.
I shouldn't have to tell her this to do her job right.

Hey @divine1966

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 That’s unnecessarily rude to say it back to OT plus isn’t accurate. Occupational therapist is not being grumpy. I think indirect and sarcastic type of communication (if it could be even called communication) just isn’t healthy. Much healthier to let them know that the comment is hurtful, which OP actually did

I used the wink emoji because I was joking here. I don’t really think the op should say that.

I agree that she wasn’t helpful. She made a total mistake by making a joke. Her attempt of joking sucked.

But I think it’s important to understand that even though her profession contains word “therapist” she isn’t really providing therapy in a sense of psychotherapist would. What occupational therapists do is entirely different thing. Like speech therapist isn’t psychotherapist either etc

Have you talked to your psychotherapist about all this?

As about following you to the bathroom, if you have a history of self harm and are in a very active emotional distress, it’s wise to keep an eye on you. She might also follow some type of protocol when client is in a bad shape.

As about jobs, would you consider doing some work from home or in the office but strictly on computer? You said before that you did media work for both sports club and art club. I remember your posts about issues in those places but did you like that type of job (minus the drama)?

If you work at computer screen, you might not have to interact with people as much? I don’t have social anxiety but I’d hate jobs handing down free food. It would annoy me to no end bugging random people about eating some food. Why is this job even suggested to you as an Option. Retail has some jobs that require minimal interaction with people.

From what you said, she sounded sarcastic. And it sounds like she was backpedaling when she said that she was trying to challenge you.

Mental health is an area that an occupational therapist can specialize in. For instance, when I was at a day treatment program, the counselor I was assigned to was an Occupational therapist who did one on one counseling as well as run many of the group therapy sessions. Having said that, if she is an Occupational therapist that specializes in mental health, she should know how to interact with patients. And it sounds like she was very sarcastic with you.

With the bathroom situation, I think she was just trying to make sure that you were safe.

Well.I could could t on my psychotherapist but she pulling back cause my therapy ends at March.
I go to public mental health system in my country the goverment pays for it. So it's free to clients.
My therapist said they get pushed by the system to discharged the less serious people. She told me she sees 16 clients and they can oh so can take so much clients before the therapist gets burnt out. But I have seen her see other clients longer than me. So I do feel rejected or like I'm hopeless to help.
She did recommend me to find another therapist but it's been hard because I have dependent attachment. But in saying this my partner read in a CBT book how there is a style of therapy that literally encourages the clients to become dependent on you. Then when it comes to ending therapy its very traumatic for the client. In which my partner told me is what Im experiencing, I had no idea before.