My therapist swore at me

That is the role that friction plays for me. Better to be prickly than to risk being soft. It is something we have often spoken about in session and I have made some progress with it. I have realised throughout the work with her that there comes a point where I need to stop pushing and start to soften, otherwise nothing changes for me. I suppose one of the questions for me is whether I have pushed too far and too often and things are irreparably damaged as a result.

She is supposed to be the therapist, not the patient . Period. However, Try not to goad her for your own entertainment or exhaust her with excessive emails. She’s a real person too. I dont think this is productive. She should limit you to x number of emails that she can handle.

I recognise that it wasn't therapeutic and so did she (and she has done in the past when similar events have happened). I have made progress with her, slow and difficult but that is how I am. I suppose I don't know if making progress is enough of a measure for whether the therapy is what I need.

She is in therapy! And has told me some of the issues she takes to therapy!


One of the reasons I began working with her is that she seemed very capable in our first few sessions. Capable is a very seductive and important characteristic for me to perceive in the other when I am trying to forge a relationship with someone. Turns out I misjudged that one like a clanger. Although, even as I type that, I remember the times when she has been very careful and skilled. I don't know, it's confusing.

Thank you. I am very doubtful that she will apologise. She has apologised in the past for her behaviour in session, but it has become less common for her to do so - I think she resents apologising these days. Yeah, I know.

The issue is not really the emails. I mean, email is the vehicle for this rupture, but the issue is one of trust: my vulnerability in the face of her inconsistency/unprofessionalism.


And this is not entertaining for me. I presented it in an entertaining tone in my original post because to do otherwise was too exposing and shameful.

... And so the hurt has set in. She has hurt me. It isn't fun to have this friction, it is painful. Actually, it is more than friction, it is a burn. I don't really recognise myself when I say that I am hurt because it is a feeling which I rarely admit to (and "admit" is accurate because it is a shameful feeling for me). I am hurt and she has hurt me. I was hiding in my original post, hiding behind the melodrama.

Sorry, I am spamming my own thread. Thank you to everyone for replying. Posting here has helped, for real helped. You have helped me reflect and I have felt able to be a bit open which is new ... and not altogether comfortable, but thank you.

If I remember correctly, you mentioned that she shared with you the reasons why she is in therapy. It seems like she has big boundary issues. That is something a therapist should never share with a client.

Do you think your time and your money would be better spent elsewhere with a therapist that is healthy and productive?

Regarding the swearing at you, I know you know that that was just bad.

A former psychiatrist once said this to me: "Physicians need to choose the correct instruments to use on patients. As a physician in the field of psychiatry, I don't have a stethescope or an otoscope etc, but my instruments are my words. And I must choose them correctly; otherwise, I may do serious harm to my patients."

Congrats. Feeling the hurt -- I never could. Well, until I did. Didn't even know it was a issue. Until I felt it and it was so horrible.

Having this forum to post about it to was a big help for me, too.

What triggered my hurt was my (inadequate) therapist rejecting ME. Terminating ME. But then she was no longer there to help, if she even could have, to process it. And it's been 4.5 years of me struggling through on my own. . .but. . .

So, I don't know, it's up to you of course. But unlike some of the others here on this forum -- do you have enough strength (yet) to feel it as possibly interesting to see what might happen in the next session?

Maybe you will become ready to take the Big step and find a T you allow yourself to be vulnerable with----and who won't "play the game" with you?

IF there is someone like that whom comrademoomoo can find, without taking years and years trying?

I am anxious that she is going to terminate the therapy. I am not sure that I can continue with her, but I want to be the one who makes that decision. Imagining that she will terminate is very painful, I am sorry that you experienced it. As you say, it is the finality of it - that they are no longer there to help with the most painful and difficult process of all.

I am curious about what would happen in the next session and I am also very apprehensive. I am not sure if I will attend or not.

Does part of you feel any relief that she terminated the therapy, given that she was inadequate?

I am relatively open to the prospect of working with someone new, and yet leaving my current therapist feels like such a brutal wrench. I would miss her horribly. And maybe this rupture can be resolved and it can be a source of growth.

Well, money is another factor in this sorry mess. I can't afford therapy really (which has underpinned my feelings of being an imposter in her room, or stealing things which aren't mine) and so she works with me for a minimal fee. Sometimes she sees me twice a week, always for a token payment. This is great and she is very generous to do so. However, now it feels like a bind because who else would tolerate my challenging nonsense for nothing?

If it were a "rupture"...
It is difficult to move from the known to the unknown---from a position you seem to feel comfortable in even if it is not the healthiest or very productive...you may or may not want to do that...

Do you mean that this is more than a rupture? An indication of unsafe practice?

I find it very difficult to establish whether leaving her would be hard because of the unknown, or whether it would be hard because I would be losing something valuable. I have a great capacity for tolerating toxic behaviour (and indeed not even recognising the behaviour of others as damaging) so it feels like my compass is unreliable.

What happened was, eventually it has made clear that people in my family had been inadequate and that I had numbed all that out and was impervious to it, despite years and years of therapy. So, for me, the whole therapy enterprise had been inadequate, for years and years and years, too.

But that then left me completely alone -- or would have, except for my support group (and venting/posting here).

That you can experience the wish not to lose her -- that sounds positive to me. And I think it's also positive that she expressed her anger directly, even though it got the best of her. Yes, that's an issue for her. But it does seem that she communicated something that anger is good at -- "you're hurting me. Don't do that!"

Also, you CAN survive losing her, if you do. Losing my last therapist was a reenactment of losing my mother/family, emotionally -- which had actually happened years and years ago, only I hadn't felt it, it was too intolerable. Still is, kinda, but I'm writing about it, the experience is now somewhat connected to words.

I hope things work out for you. Seems like it's possible -- but a lot of that still depends on her and how she takes things and is processing them. And you can't know that if you don't go to the next appointment.

So -- I guess you're not afraid of her anger again, having experienced that? You're afraid of being terminated (I love that phrase!! ). Is there anything you can do to prepare yourself ahead of time for the possibility of that loss, so you can go and find out? How can knowing for sure be worse than what you have now? The wish to be the one who cuts the cord, so to speak, doesn't really address the issue of the cord being cut or not.

That you know you would miss her horribly sounds positive to me, and a potential source of growth, whether this rupture can be resolved or not. Can you talk about those feelings if you go to your next appointment?

One, your not going through nonsense. Your issues are all very important. Two, therapists are supposed to deal with issues that are challenging. They are trained to do so, and they are paid to do so.

It is her boundaries that are conerning. But, I know it is hard to go from one clinician to another and have to mention the same issues over and over and over. It is soooo tiring and frustrating. You know you could tell her that you want to take a break because you are burnt out from therapy. During the break visit someone else, and go from there.