My therapist swore at me

In homage to Lrad123's recent thread, my therapist swore at me today!

Now, I can be an unpleasant client and an all round horror, so I do not want to cast myself as the damsel in distress in this sorry tale of villainy. However, I am feeling bemused and ... alone, I suppose.

Historically, we have had a lot of significant email contact which she has always encouraged. We were discussing this contact.She began:

The Villain: "On one level, I welcome your emails because <insert waffle about how it moves our work forward and it is progress for me to be able to reach out to someone instead of being self-reliant. Whatever, we have heard it all before>

The Damsel: "What's the other level? If one level is welcoming, what is happening on the other level?"

V: "Well, I haven't really thought about this, but I do have another response when I get a notification from you and that response is "Oh-oh, what is happening now? Or, and this is my stuff, 'What have I done wrong now?!'"

D: "That doesn't sound like a very welcoming stance. Both to have that response and to tell me about that response isn't very welcoming"

Skip forward ten minutes, via a hostile debate during which she claims she is not pushing me away, and there we find her: shouting at me; swearing; and, in a less than dignified manner for a woman of her advancing years, telling me how angry she is with me. Quite an unnecessary disclosure all things considered, the nails she was spitting were indication enough.

Not content with this outburst (and why should she stop when she is riding high on the crest of her apoplectic wave?!), she moves on to point out several of my key character flaws, raises her voice again to tell me that she feels backed into a corner, and complains that I "push, push, push". So beguiling was this spectacle that I thought it best to add fuel onto the fire, lest she should burn out too soon. I said I pushed because she was evasive about whether email contact was ok or not. Oh my friends, I thought I was a goner in the face of her wrath so I started crying tout suite to take the heat off me - only a momentary diversion before she became quite delirious and suggested that I should make it more clear when I am experiencing loving feelings for her. We had thus slipped from epic drama into surreal comedy.

What a mess. And now I can't even email her to insult her because contacting her would make me the dog with its tail between its legs. Actually, now that I think about it, she has played a blinder. Exorcised her rage and rendered me mute in one killer move. Seems the old girl is more cunning than I give her credit for.

This does not sound like a productive relationship. If she cannot process her own issues with someone outside sessions and maintain appropriate boundaries, it is time for you to find a therapist who can work with you. That is, if you are not enjoying avoiding things by being able to trigger her to lose control...
just a thought.

I would change therapists. I've never had that kind of interchange with any of my therapists. Seems unnecessarily melodramatic (although you seemed to have enjoyed it?). To his their own, I suppose.

Ugh. Benny there, more than once. Always sucks. No glowing words of wisdom, just... it sucks. Sorry. Her problem, her fault, her monkeys.

There is something I enjoy about the friction of our relationship... And it is also upsetting. If I didn't feel so vulnerable and exposed, I could just enjoy the nonsense of it.

YIKES! Has she done anything like this before?

I have never seen her angry like this and she hasn't sworn at me like this either. She has had other unusual emotional responses in session such as crying in an uncontrolled way (unable to stop and gather herself). She also talks about wanting to physically hold me (definitely not, lady) and her feelings of love for me. All in all, she feels emotionally leaky.

I understand this. I've found myself drawn (fascinated?) at times to the friction that can exist between me and Dr. T. Partly because we can both sling things at each other, and I'm not typically in relationships like that. In some ways, I feel this is what my teen years with my parents *should* have been like (rather than my mom crying if I talked back to her and saying that she thought we were close, so it didn't feel OK to "rebel"). Also the fact that Dr. T has said we can work through anything that comes up, that he isn't going anywhere (and took me back without question when I terminated for a bit) that sort of echoes what a safe, rebellious relationship with parents could have been like (as opposed to, say, a volatile romantic relationship or friendship).

Not sure how much sense any of this makes...

ETA: All that being said, your T still shouldn't have sworn at you.

Oh my goodness. Had this happened to me, I would have been quite traumatized. I still remember when former T told me she was angry with me. It didn't last long, maybe 5 minutes. First I was bewildered as to why she was mad at me and then I was scared. It took away some of the trust I had in her because anger is something I find so terribly difficult to deal with. And when people are angry with me, particularly people I care about and respect, boy, it's all over for me. I'm sorry that you went through this, it sounds rather terrible. I can't believe she swore at you! Hugs if you want them, Kit

Something like this might very well have been more helpful to me than my last therapist shaming me and then, some weeks later when we couldn't move past that, terminating me because she "didn't have the emotional resources" to continue.

Direct anger is direct anger. A lot less complicated, and less hurtful IMO, than the passive/relational kind.

So, it seems that you have conflicting feelings or sides of yourself? If she isn't helping you with that, is there something that you can do within yourself? Is there anything (more) from us here that you feel might be helpful, if you feel you want help?

Feeling vulnerable and exposed sucks, that's for sure.

I suspect you use some of this to feel less vulnerable, I can relate to the temptation...believe I recall triggering a boss or two...but it isn't healthy or productive. If you want to grow/change yourself, move on to someone who you respect and who respects you.

It sounds like you may be addicted to the drama of the relationship and acting out your emotions as a way to avoid looking at what's underneath them. unfortunately it seems that your t is more than contributing to this dynamic by being excessively emotional. To be honest swearing at you and crying uncontrollably is not professional and her behaving that way is not going to help you heal. I completely understand how addictive these kind of scenarios can be because it was like that with my ex-husband but ultimately it's likely going to be quite damaging unless your t dramatically starts working on herself and and focusing on what you need.

I wish my therapist would swear at me - it would be a sign that she has a pulse.

I think everyone is correct about you switching therapists. She sounds like she has major issues of her own. I would just save your money and call her to cancel.

TBH I don't think what you're describing sounds therapeutic or professional at all. I can't imagine my T acting that way with me and if he did I'd be incredibly hurt and upset. But that's me. Do you feel like you generally make good progress with this T?

Emotionally leaky indeed.
This woman seriously needs to be in therapy.
… and not as the therapist.

Really, this is not a good therapist. This is the blind leading the... partially sighted?

Client swears at therapist: oh, it's okay. T should understand or is a bad therapist. Ts don't have feelings anyway.

Therapist swears at client: no excuses. Baaad therapist. Switch therapists.

As a retired health professional----Yes. And no. There was never an excuse for me to swear at any client or patient or inmate. It was my job to deal with/work through anger directed at me. Limits can be set without emoting negatively.

I see what you're saying, but there's a big difference between the two roles. The therapist is there to help the client deal with their mental and emotional issues, which might involve learning how to express anger. The client isn't there to help the therapist. So in my view the therapist needs to keep their shirt together, while for some clients having a meltdown might actually be very useful.

Sort of like, if a toddler says "I hate you, Mommy," that's hurtful but it's also a normal thing that a parent has to deal with. But if a mother says "I hate you, Sammy" to her kid, that is not okay at all.

She lost her ***** and should apologise to you. It's generally not cool to swear or have a temper tantrum at anyone but the client is the one in therapy and some acting out is going to occur. Also, therapists have bad days and are human (apparently, so they keep saying anyway (I have no actual proof of this)) but if it does happen, they need to apologise.

It's understandable you felt upset and vulnerable, she acted like a tit.

I've deliberately done and said things I knew would make my T angry.

He simply told me he was irritated and nothing else.

You deserve a better T.

No client deserves to be sworn at.

First, if my therapist ever swore at me I'd think she had been abducted by space aliens. She is the calmest, most gently spoken, and most careful user of language I have ever met. She has to be. She's a trauma therapist who specializes in treating the worst kinds of trauma experiences. She treats survivors of mass shootings, terror attacks, child sex trafficking's survivors, child pornography survivors, very complicated traumas. I was sent to her precisely because of her unique skills. If she ever swore at me, I'd dissociate, lose 3 days of time, and wake up in some foreign city. She's very sensitive to the impact her choice of words has on her very fragile clients.

As for me, I can with absolute certainty state I have never used foul language against another person, ever. It's so traumatizing to me because of what it's attached to I'd never use those words toward another human being, ever. The words dehumanize and degrade the soul.

Actually, this is probably one of the few times that I would accept a hug from someone so thank you.

There are definitely conflicting aspects of myself at play, thank you for picking that out. There is the aggressive and hostile part who is always ready to fight and is never afraid - and there is the scared and tender part who is pained by fighting.

It has helped for me to post this thread. I rarely start a thread and so I don't have much experience of putting my therapy stuff out here. It is quite a different experience, humbling in a way. I can see now why some of my previous responses on other people's threads have been upsetting or insensitive. And why it matters for me to not behave like that and to be kind. Posting is a vulnerable thing to do when you feel unsettled by therapy. I am learning that is important to me that others are kind to me, no matter how much of a cold exterior I like to hide behind.