[LonesomeTonight]

Is anyone else worried about their T getting sick (and/or dying) from Covid-19? I wasn't worried at first, because my T is athletic and around 50. But now I've read about cases where younger people are getting really sick, like going from a little sick quickly progressing to acute respiratory distress syndrome, having to go on ventilators, etc. And it makes me worry about T.

I want to ask him what precautions he's taking (besides no longer seeing clients in office--though he only stopped that as of Monday), but more than that, like social distancing, but it feels like prying. But I worry about him, in part because he's a huge source of support for me, but also because I care quite a bit about him as a person. Probably to the level of love, though platonically. (I've been seeing him 2.5 years, most of that twice a week).

But part of me also wonders...is this sort of my brain choosing to worry about this instead of about my over-70 parents? Or about me or H or--even worse--D? Like a transference sort of thing in the sense of "I'm going to worry about my T's health, so I don't think of the much more scary possibilities"? Or maybe it's a mix of both, where I genuinely care about him, plus I don't want to think of worse possibilities...

And I'm debating whether to talk to him about this when we have an extra session in 15 minutes, but I feel I kind of have to...as it's weighing on my mind.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Oh yes . It doesn't help that my T struggles with her health anyway. I've been too scared to put it in a clear way but I think my T knows my fear. I want to talk to her about it but I think I'm scared that voicing it will make it happen even though that's irrational. You're certainly not alone with this.

Insofar as worrying about T more than family goes, I think that for me, T is my main support so the fear of losing her is going to be worse because I feel as though I could cope with anything as long as she is around. Plus I honestly love her to bits..

[zoiecat]

I agree with Lonely. LT, I may be wrong but my gut feeling from your posts is that you are more worried about losong your ability to see your T and therefore you are worried about his health. It may be that you feel your relationship with T would be a bigger loss. This does not mean that deep down you care about him more but more of a current fear and projection of your own possible pain.

While I obviously don't wish for my T to get sick, I can take or leave therapy. While I definitely need therapy to get over my past full of trauma and I desperately want to be normal, I htend to avoid relying on others at all costs. So I am not attached to my T and would survive as I always have without him.

You need to realuze that you too have the strength to survive without therapy. The more you are able to accept this fact and increase your inner desire to improve your life and develop your autonomy (and it may require practicing a lot of new skills) the easier it will for you to let go of the fear of losing him.

[Omers]

Hi LT, I am sure it isn’t much surprise that we would be struggling with similar things. My T and his wife are both in more than one high risk group. Overall they are healthy though. T and I have talked a lot about the virus because I have been so much more uncomfortable with the phone sessions. It was a lot easier when I knew in advance we would be starting phone sessions and I knew when I would see him face to face again. I am scared because last I knew he was not able to get a refill on a prescription that could be necessary for him to stay out of the hospital should he get sick with anything. Doing the phone session and seeing his face helped. As always my T is very open with me about his life and shared the struggles his family is having in coping with this stay in place order. He did share about their adventures going to a big box store for groceries but that seems to be the only risk they are taking. T’s plans for next week changed so he is working fewer days. The days he is taking off he is filling with some at home self care and an online CEU class. So I am not too worried about him physically. I am worried about him financially as the economic impact of all this hits. All of his clients are self pay and I see so many people right now stopping their mental health care. I also worry about his stress level and mental health. His kids live far away which has always been hard on him even with frequent visits. I know at least two if not three family members work in fields where they are non-essential and will be hit hard by all of this. I know he is worried about his clients as well.
Then the selfish part of me wonders how this might impact the travel plans he had for later this year that would take him completely out of contact for a month...
All in all I think he will pull through OK... if something happens though I am going to be a disaster!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you for this!

I've been worrying about L and T, yes. I have asked her if she's okay, has supplies, will she be alone or who will she have contact with. Both L and T were very open and honest. And we've all agreed to tell each other if one of us gets sick.

Also, my sui thoughts have been really bad. I think I've realized that my thoughts are there because it gives me a sense of control. And when I realized that, I also noticed that I'm actually afraid of dying from this.

So while I am worried about L and T, I think you're right: my concerns about them are covering up my own fears of death.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I am quite concerned about ex-T because she's almost 70. She was on my mind all last week and I finally had to call her on Friday and I found out that she is sick with a cough/respiratory thing! I was afraid to ask if it is COVID-19. We currently have 12 confirmed cases in my county and I do fear that one of them is her. I feel really guilty that I worry more about her than I do my own mother who is 80, but then like you said maybe it's somehow easier to worry about L than about myself or my own family. Or covering up my fear for myself and my family. Like it gives us something to focus on rather than the unthinkable of losing our family members.

safe, virtual hugs to all who want and be well.

[atisketatasket]

Honestly, I'm more worried about my mother (75) than Info (65+), though I don't want Info to get sick. Partly because I think Info has had so much work done she probably has an impervious immune system filled with collagen by now.

[SlumberKitty]

I am worried slightly about regular T. I'd say she is maybe 65 or 70. But she seems to be taking lots of precautions. I am not as worried about Pastor T getting it, even though he is 64. He seems healthy. He works out and stuff like that. I am more worried about my parents getting it. Both are 65+ particularly my Dad who seems to get everything, in fact right now he is dealing with the shingles! And because he had cancer 10 years ago, which he beat, but still, I worry about a compromised immune system. I'm not particularly worried about catching it myself although that may possibly be some of my own self-destructiveness speaking where if fate intervenes so be it. HUGS to all of those who are worried. Kit

[Omers]

I know I am more worried about T than my parents even though they are about the same ages. I just don’t have a bond or connection with my parents at this point. I haven’t seen either of them in 8+ years. My mother texts about her dog and my father messages me with totally random pictures. So, sadly I am not feeling guilty either. I also worry more about T than H but that is because H is, well, being stupid. We have a stay in place order sand he still insists on getting his coffee at the gas station! We have a microwave, perculator, coffee pot and a Kurig! Why drive to the gas station!! Ugh... venting... the stay in place order is working in my house... social distance went from 2ft between hubby and I to 10+ft.
So, yeh, I am more worried about T and I am just being OK with it. I also worry about Pdoc and Fr .

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks for all the replies, will respond more later. But I ended up telling Dr. T about my fears today, and he was very accepting. He said he appreciated my caring, that I seemed to care more than some other people in his life seemed like they should. Which was...interesting. But I'm glad he made a point to accept it. And he assured me of the precautions he'd been taking. So that all helped. I'd suggest that people do talk to their T's if they have these fears. It also helped start a discussion of fears about my parents, H, D, and myself possibly getting sick.

[ArtieTheSequal]

One reason I'm not as worried about my mom is that I know she has not left her house in like 3 weeks and no one goes in. she is being extremely cautious. and she is in excellent health.

she remembers the polio epidemic when she was a child....

[stopdog]

I don't have any worries about the two women. If they get it, there is nothing I can do. I don't wish them ill necessarily, but even while seeing them there was rarely worry about either of them. There is no reason for me to worry about what happens to them.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I worry about my T, since he'll be 60 years old this year. When I told him, he volunteered some information about himself to show me that he's probably not that much at risk, though aware of the fact that he should take extra care.
I'm less worried about my parents since they're younger and my mom has extensive medical training as well, so I feel she can keep them safe. My grandparents are the people most at risk from those that I care for, but with them I didn't expect them to be around much longer anyways, so it's not that anxiety inducing.

[JaneTennison1]

I constantly worry that everyone I know or care about will die. it's a nice bit of shrapnel I got to take in after growing up the way I did. By far the worst part is realising I care. I dont know how that happened

[Omers]

I just found out through the news that one of T’s family members might have been exposed
Now I panic...

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Omers, that's scary! Immediate family or more distant?

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hugs, Omers, that is scary!

[Omers]

A local elderly in law. I am not sure how close to them T is but just the fact that it is hitting that close to him personally made it super real. I don’t know if they are one of the confirmed cases from this situation or not but it definitely means they were exposed.
T’s schedule is messed up this week so I don’t talk to him until Wed. He had plans to travel so I wasn’t going to get to see him at all. And I don’t know if I should ask if the family member is OK or not. He gave me the information but I doubt he remembers.

[Lrad123]

I have some fears around my T getting sick. I’m in healthcare and seeing patients every day, so was relieved when he stopped doing face-to-face visits. The part that’s a bummer for me is that I decided I am not comfortable with phone or video sessions, so I’ve put my therapy on hold until this all settles down, and who knows when that will be. It feels like the option to see him was taken away from me abruptly. He’s not an emailer, so I essentially have no contact with him. He’s in his sixties and looks healthy to me, but who knows how he or anyone else I know will fare. Maybe it’s the not knowing that’s hard.

[ElectricManatee]

LT, I wonder if you're worried about losing your T since he is kind of your primary support right now. It seems like you have been working on getting out to activities more, having lunch with friends, etc and having quite a bit of success with that. Now your world has shrunk considerably because of the pandemic restrictions, and it seems like your H isn't necessarily on the same page as you when it comes to the virus and isn't able to be there for you and your anxiety. If your H can't understand how you feel and your friends aren't as accessible, I could see where you might feel extra anxious about losing Dr. T.

I am somewhat anxious about both of my therapists getting sick, but I have talked to them both about what they are doing, and it seems like they are taking every precaution. They are both in their forties and seem fairly healthy, so I am hoping for the best. It has been a bit difficult to adjust to teletherapy, but it is getting easier with each session.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

LT, I wonder if you're worried about losing your T since he is kind of your primary support right now. It seems like you have been working on getting out to activities more, having lunch with friends, etc and having quite a bit of success with that. Now your world has shrunk considerably because of the pandemic restrictions, and it seems like your H isn't necessarily on the same page as you when it comes to the virus and isn't able to be there for you and your anxiety. If your H can't understand how you feel and your friends aren't as accessible, I could see where you might feel extra anxious about losing Dr. T.

I am somewhat anxious about both of my therapists getting sick, but I have talked to them both about what they are doing, and it seems like they are taking every precaution. They are both in their forties and seem fairly healthy, so I am hoping for the best. It has been a bit difficult to adjust to teletherapy, but it is getting easier with each session.

Thanks, EM. I feel what you said in the first paragraph rings really true for me. I was saying to Dr. T when restrictions started happening that it was like my self-care options were going away one by one. No more yoga (in person). No more Paint Nites (they have them virtually now, but not the same). No more lunches with friends. And stuff I do regularly that I look forward to, going out to dinner, going to a bar/taproom to have a drink after session, going to a concert. Those are all gone. And I have no idea when they'll be back. It would be different if I knew "OK, only need to get through 3 more weeks," but this...what if everything stays closed through summer?

And of course I've also lost in-person sessions with him--I said recently how his office felt like a sanctuary to me, and he said I'm not the first client to describe it that way. And things have been going well with him lately.

And I was starting to do better with drinking and making other positive changes in my life, to the point that I was thinking maybe I could even try once a week sessions soon. And this has set all of that back. Not just slightly, but fairly dramatically. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I feel I've slipped into a major depressive episode.

He feels like a lifeline to me right now. I have some friends who are providing lots of support as well (and I'm doing my best to provide support for them as well), but it's a different sort of thing with T. (You know something really telling? When I initially typed that, I wrote "I have other friends who are providing..." then was like, "Wait, I just grouped Dr. T in the friend category. Hm...")

But he's given me lots of empathy and validation these past few weeks. He seems to genuinely feel bad that I'm struggling so much and wants to help me more, but isn't sure how because this is such an unprecedented circumstance. Like there's no obvious solution regarding me, or with D, etc.

And you're correct that I don't feel I'm getting the empathy or understanding from H. A couple days ago, I was telling him (H) all my various fears that had gone through my head while awake in the middle of the night, up to ending up alone in hospital on ventilator. And he was basically just like, "Wow, that really escalated." I was hoping I'd get a hug or something, but instead it seemed like he just thought I was overreacting. Or this morning, I tried going for a walk, had sort of a panic attack partway through, then ended up crying for the second half of it, as nearly every song in my iTunes made me emotional for assorted reasons (this song is about New York, and lots of people are dying there, etc.) And I told H (over text), and he didn't react much. Then a bit later, he came down and was just rambling to me about some minor work thing.

So the thought of something happening to Dr. T, yeah, it scares me for selfish reasons because I want him to be there to support me through all of this, however long it lasts (even if it has to be through a computer screen). It scares me, too, because I genuinely care about him as a person.

He has told me about precautions he'd been taking in his office during the period where he was still seeing a few clients (including me) in person. Now he's only doing remote. And he seemed to suggest he was doing that in his life as well, but I still worry.

Perhaps I need to talk about all this more with him...the fears, I mean.

[ElectricManatee]

I am curious about your H's reactions. Has he always been kind of disinterested in how you feel? Or did that develop over time? Have you ever asked him for a hug in a moment like that? Is he unable to understand what you're feeling and/or what he is supposed to do, like if he's on the spectrum too?

My spouse and I have been leaning on each other more than usual because we are each the only adult the other can interact with in person, so I can see where his... disinterest? obtuseness? might create an even larger gap for you right now if it's just you and him.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I am curious about your H's reactions. Has he always been kind of disinterested in how you feel? Or did that develop over time? Have you ever asked him for a hug in a moment like that? Is he unable to understand what you're feeling and/or what he is supposed to do, like if he's on the spectrum too?

My spouse and I have been leaning on each other more than usual because we are each the only adult the other can interact with in person, so I can see where his... disinterest? obtuseness? might create an even larger gap for you right now if it's just you and him.

Thanks EM. I guess in some ways he's always been this way? At the time, when we were initially together, I thought maybe it was a good counterbalance to my anxiety. But it's caused a lot of issues. Dr. T has actually said to me a few times that he wonders if H is actually on the spectrum. He is officially diagnosed as ADHD (just the inattentive type). I've never mentioned Dr. T's theory because I don't know how he'd react. It could explain a lot though...


But H comes through at times, like I think of when I learned ex-MC's wife had died, and I was just sobbing, and he wordlessly came over and hugged me. Or with our last two guinea pigs, when they were sick/dying/died, he was really emotional.


But then there has been stuff that's come up in marriage counseling before, where I explicitly told him how I would want him to respond in the case of, say, me having a panic attack. And it maybe helped one time, but then he sort of reverted back to the mean. Like, it didn't stick. And it used to be really hard in marriage counseling when I was siting there sobbing about something (not even necessarily related to my relationship with H), and H was just sitting there, while ex-MC was trying to comfort and validate me. That made it feel much more apparent to me.

Maybe I need to be more explicit in what I want and need, I don't know. Like, "I could use a hug right now" or "I just want you to listen about my fears."

[atisketatasket]

LT--I'm not saying this to defend your husband or to criticize you. You're both at the mercy of things you can't control.

But, it is really hard to live with an anxious person. 2ex was anxious (I'm not comparing you to him, either--he was abusive to boot). Even if you understand that they have anxiety, and even if you understand the anxiety, it wears you down. With 2ex, he needed constant reassurance. He couldn't let things go. And if it turned out he didn't need to be anxious about something, he'd just move to something else to worry about. And after a few years (or even a few days or hours of him worrying about the same thing and not letting it go) I'd have to do things like retreat into myself just to protect my own psyche, because I couldn't make him whole and I'd try. Plus with 2ex his anxiety felt like it meant everything was about him and there wasn't space for my needs or issues. His being explicit about his needs wouldn't have helped much, because I'd need time to recharge and he wanted 24/7 reassurance. And I doubt possible autism has anything to do with it; I think in the face of the kind of need 2ex expressed, most people reacted the same way (including friends of his).

So I'm not saying that's what going on with your husband, or you're at fault or you're like 2ex--you are who you are, and he seems to accept you. Just that it'd be interesting to know how your husband is affected by your anxiety and if that's coming up here.

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks, @@. Dr. T brought up something similar a while back, about the possibility of "caretaker fatigue" in terms of partners of those with mental illness. And he was suggesting that maybe H had that. So then I felt really awful about it. And finally asked H about it. He said that wasn't the case at all, and he was angry at Dr. T for suggesting it, because he didn't know what was actually going on with him. I still worry about it though, and I know I can be a challenge as a partner. I try to get as much outside support as I can, from Dr. T, friends, here on PC, in a few FB groups (like for parents of kids on the spectrum, etc.) to take most of the weight off of him. Dr. T has said before that he thinks H probably really appreciates him (as in Dr. T), some of my friends, and PC because they take some of the pressure off of him (as in H).