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  #151  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:19 PM
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It was so hard to come to work today. I worked Monday and Tuesday. I was furloughed Wednesday and Thursday. Then I work today, then I have Saturday and Sunday off. I really had to psych myself up to come into work today because of having the two days off in the middle of the work-week and then having to come back to work on Friday. We are hoping to be able to stop having to furlough soon, but we'll see what the economy does. We're in a weird business so it is not necessarily tied to the economy so closely as some businesses are.


I'm tired now. I did a lot of work in my first four hours. Now I'm bored. When I'm bored I get tired.


I told the owner that I am not doing well. Mostly because she asked. She asked me some questions (like am I sleeping) and stuff like that. I told her I see my pdoc on Wednesday on telehealth. She was asking if there were any online emergency psychiatric services I could use. I don't know of any. I guess she has one she uses in NY. I could call my insurance company and find out but they would probably just send me to the hospital. Maybe I need to go. I don't know. We'll see how today plays out. HUGS all, Kit
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  #152  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
That's frustrating. Dr. T has said stuff before about if he keeps reassuring me, then I'll always be dependent on him or another T. Which I don't think is true? He seems to have shifted on that since I came back in September and particularly with everything going on with Covid right now (I get the sense that he's struggling with the lockdown in various ways, too, so empathy is coming more naturally).


Maybe try explaining to him again? How what you need right now to get through all this (like working in ICU) is temporary, that you need comfort to be able to get through the days, that you're not going to be asking him for this indefinitely. It's just what you need right now.


Like...I don't know, say someone's partner broke their leg and had trouble getting around until it healed. That person might need to do a lot for them in order to help them through, take on most chores, shopping, maybe help them to bathroom, etc. But it's temporary, while they're dealing with the injury. Maybe that's a bad analogy, but perhaps something like that would help him understand what you need right now? Have you graphically described what you see day in and day out at work right now? Maybe that could help him get what you need as well? That you just need someone who can give you support and listen and be caring and reassuring?
Just finished a session with T. He says that in order for me to get better I need to do all this mental gymnastics like owning my desires for care/connection, experiencing my feelings without dissociating into fantasies of SI/SH. I said that this work feels intolerable right now, that he is not hearing me or understanding my emotional needs. I said that it feels like I'm lying on the ground bleeding out and he's standing at a chalkboard drawing a diagram of the cardiovascular system. He said that if I was telling him specifically what to do/say then he would do/say it, within reason. I was too tired to repeat for the millionth time that I don't know exactly what I need and that in my opinion part of his work is to join me in figuring that out, that I don't want to hand him a script and have him read from it because that just seems stupid and phony.

I'm so sick of this. I just want to quit but I can't because I'm stupid and attached and hopeful that one day he'll figure it out. I feel like someone in a crappy romantic relationship who just can't seem to separate from their partner because they have this eternal hope that the partner will change. And all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for sticking with him, and a large part of me agrees, but I just can't bring myself to "break up" with him.
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  #153  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:34 PM
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Yay my idiot GP finally acknowledged the stupid pandemic! His office just called to schedule me for a phone appointment next week instead of a live one. Which is a good damn thing, because i was just searching online for another dr and getting ready to write him a dear john letter. Butt hole.
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  #154  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
My one guinea pig is lying down in the pile of hay while eating it... Yeah, it's adorable...
And yet when i do stuff like that, people tell me its not so adorable!
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  #155  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:37 PM
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Neighbor’s daughter called. He’s in hospice (he did test positive for covid but it turned out the real problem was cancer he beat last year came roaring back and metastasized) and not expected to live long. I didn’t know him except to chat briefly with (so no condolences needed), but he seemed nice.

That means loan dog is no longer a loan (she has allergic kids and I offered to adopt him, bronzed perineum and all).

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Butt hole.
“You mean perineum?”—Loan dog
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  #156  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atisketatasket View Post
Neighbor’s daughter called. He’s in hospice (he did test positive for covid but it turned out the real problem was cancer he beat last year came roaring back and metastasized) and not expected to live long. I didn’t know him except to chat briefly with (so no condolences needed), but he seemed nice.

That means loan dog is no longer a loan (she has allergic kids and I offered to adopt him, bronzed perineum and all).


“You mean perineum?”—Loan dog
That's so nice of you, @@
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  #157  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NP_Complete View Post
Can you just live stream some guinea pig cuteness or something? Having a hard day over here.
I guess you dont wanna see me sprawled out gumming vita gummies
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  #158  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atisketatasket View Post
“You mean perineum?”—Loan dog
Dog always did know which side his biscuit was buttered on.
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  #159  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:50 PM
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LostOnTheTrail LostOnTheTrail is online now
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I'm glad LD has you, ATAT.
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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
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Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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  #160  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
That's so nice of you, @@
Well, I did catch him and new cat cuddling together yesterday. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?

He’s very well-behaved and well-trained, always up for a walk, doesn’t seem to have many health issues except age (daughter thought he was around 10).
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  #161  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:52 PM
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What a nice thing for you to do @@!
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  #162  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 01:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
Just finished a session with T. He says that in order for me to get better I need to do all this mental gymnastics like owning my desires for care/connection, experiencing my feelings without dissociating into fantasies of SI/SH. I said that this work feels intolerable right now, that he is not hearing me or understanding my emotional needs. I said that it feels like I'm lying on the ground bleeding out and he's standing at a chalkboard drawing a diagram of the cardiovascular system. He said that if I was telling him specifically what to do/say then he would do/say it, within reason. I was too tired to repeat for the millionth time that I don't know exactly what I need and that in my opinion part of his work is to join me in figuring that out, that I don't want to hand him a script and have him read from it because that just seems stupid and phony.

I'm so sick of this. I just want to quit but I can't because I'm stupid and attached and hopeful that one day he'll figure it out. I feel like someone in a crappy romantic relationship who just can't seem to separate from their partner because they have this eternal hope that the partner will change. And all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for sticking with him, and a large part of me agrees, but I just can't bring myself to "break up" with him.
Your post made me think of this video I saw recently:
. (There's a shorter video of just the machine working, but I couldn't find it.)

Except your therapist wants you to build an empathetic therapist machine. What is the point in giving him a script? Is that supposed to feel genuine?

I like your bleeding out analogy. At my session Wednesday, my therapist brought up for the 4th time working out a schedule of some sort to deal with the monotonous isolation. It really brought my mood down. We talked about it Thursday and I told him it's like you're not seeing the big picture. I'm having violent SI and you want me to schedule what time I eat lunch when I really need you to address the SI. Your therapist wants to keep working on issues that may be relevant to you to work on in a normal world, but right now you need to put that aside and feel supported during an extremely stressful time. I don't understand why he can't hear what you're explicitly telling him.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with therapist issues on top of everything else. Have you considered getting on one of those therapy apps like Betterhelp to get some support right now?
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  #163  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 02:04 PM
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Well if he has won over new cat - what else can you ask for? He sounds like a great dog!
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  #164  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atisketatasket View Post
Neighbor’s daughter called. He’s in hospice (he did test positive for covid but it turned out the real problem was cancer he beat last year came roaring back and metastasized) and not expected to live long. I didn’t know him except to chat briefly with (so no condolences needed), but he seemed nice.

That means loan dog is no longer a loan (she has allergic kids and I offered to adopt him, bronzed perineum and all).
I am sorry to hear about your neighbor but glad the dog has you and that your cat now has 2 minions and possibly a lover. I have a dog and cat who share a love that dare not speak its name
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Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
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Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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  #165  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 02:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
And yet when i do stuff like that, people tell me its not so adorable
You would be lying in fat-free, chemical filled hay like substance.

On a different but similar topic - my sourdough starter is threatening to take over the entire kitchen. I need to start including a jar of it when I make meat bag deliveries
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Please NO @

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde
Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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  #166  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 02:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
you would be lying in fat-free, chemical filled hay like substance.
hey!

Eta - re sourdough - like "An Affair at 7 Rue de M-" by John Steinbeck
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  #167  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 02:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polibeth View Post
Well if he has won over new cat - what else can you ask for? He sounds like a great dog!
Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
I am sorry to hear about your neighbor but glad the dog has you and that your cat now has 2 minions and possibly a lover. I have a dog and cat that share a love that dare not speak its name
In fairness new cat may just have seen him as a soft warm pillow and used him.
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  #168  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atisketatasket View Post
In fairness new cat may just have seen him as a soft warm pillow and used him.
Cats always do.
One of mine takes liberties with the dog in all sorts of ways.
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Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde
Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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  #169  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NP_Complete View Post
Can you just live stream some guinea pig cuteness or something? Having a hard day over here.

Will try to record them later! In the meantime, here's a pic of one sleeping earlier (they often sleep with their eyes open). Note the little paw.

ETA: And their ears often twitch while they sleep, which is really adorable.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg IMG_6232.jpg (267.1 KB, 20 views)
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  #170  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:07 PM
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What's the appropriate protocol when your cousin's 19 year old son dies? Is it acceptable to send a condolence email or do I need to physically mail them a card?
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  #171  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NP_Complete View Post
What's the appropriate protocol when your cousin's 19 year old son dies? Is it acceptable to send a condolence email or do I need to physically mail them a card?

I think considering the pandemic (where you'd have to go to the store to get a card), an email/text/Facebook message (however you know to communicate with them) is fine. And no idea if you had any connection to them, but sorry for your loss.
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  #172  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:21 PM
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Today in rather pathetic T moments, I started crying near the end of session and said, "Now I won't see you again until Monday." I forget what Dr. T said. I said I worried he thought I was too dependent on him right now (especially after that comment). He said he didn't think that, how these are very difficult times, and I'm dealing with a lot right now. I said I appreciated that and just said I worried he'd suddenly be like "You're too dependent." He said no. And seemed very genuine and affected by my fears. Like, I didn't think he was just saying, "No, you're fine" to placate me, but that he really meant it. He's come a long way from arrogant douchebag T... (Or, "ugh, you associated the stone with me?" T.)


Also, these are the things that give me hope for your T, Chihiro.
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  #173  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:23 PM
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Thanks, LT. I just sent him this email:

After we hung up, I felt like crying. I feel like you’re not hearing me. Can I try to say this again?

I feel like I need more emotional support and containment from you in order to do the difficult work that you propose will help me to feel better in the long run (e.g. owning my desires for caretaking, fully experiencing my feelings without dissociating into fantasies of self-harm). I believe that I need to feel like I’m in a safe place before I can do that work. And right now, with everything that’s going on (in the world, in my job, in our relationship), I don’t feel that way. I’m not sure about the exact shape that support and containment might take. (Even if I did know what exact words/gestures/body language/etc. would do the trick, I wouldn’t want to write a script and hand it to you—that would feel ridiculous, inauthentic, demanding.) I would very much like you to work with me to try to figure that out.

I am terribly sick of all of this back and forth about taking things off the table and whether or not either of us are doing the best that we can, whether or not we’re respectively capable of doing what the other is asking. I imagine you’re not especially delighted by it either. I feel monumentally stuck. There’s a significant part of me that wants to give up, to quit seeing you for therapy altogether. But damn it, I also feel attached to you. I feel grateful to you. I believe that you’ve helped me get better. Maybe I’m being pathetic and idiotic, wanting and expecting something from you that you’re never going to provide. Or maybe I have an appropriate level of faith in you?

I don’t know if this clarifies anything or if I’m just dumbly repeating myself.
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  #174  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:29 PM
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chihirochild chihirochild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NP_Complete View Post
Your post made me think of this video I saw recently:
. (There's a shorter video of just the machine working, but I couldn't find it.)

Except your therapist wants you to build an empathetic therapist machine. What is the point in giving him a script? Is that supposed to feel genuine?

I like your bleeding out analogy. At my session Wednesday, my therapist brought up for the 4th time working out a schedule of some sort to deal with the monotonous isolation. It really brought my mood down. We talked about it Thursday and I told him it's like you're not seeing the big picture. I'm having violent SI and you want me to schedule what time I eat lunch when I really need you to address the SI. Your therapist wants to keep working on issues that may be relevant to you to work on in a normal world, but right now you need to put that aside and feel supported during an extremely stressful time. I don't understand why he can't hear what you're explicitly telling him.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with therapist issues on top of everything else. Have you considered getting on one of those therapy apps like Betterhelp to get some support right now?
Oh my goodness that video is adorable. Sad, but adorable.

I haven't tried one of the online therapy app things recently because once I tried to sign up for one and they wouldn't take me because I'm too high risk. But my group therapist did give me a recommendation for a colleague of hers who might be able to take me on. I accepted the recommendation but haven't called the colleague yet. I'm just too much of a freaking wimp.

I'm sorry your therapist is being kind of a dumb-dumb and focusing on practical stuff when that isn't what you need. I really don't get how people who are supposed to be all emotionally intelligent can be so blind.
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  #175  
Old Apr 24, 2020, 03:34 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
Just finished a session with T. He says that in order for me to get better I need to do all this mental gymnastics like owning my desires for care/connection, experiencing my feelings without dissociating into fantasies of SI/SH. I said that this work feels intolerable right now, that he is not hearing me or understanding my emotional needs. I said that it feels like I'm lying on the ground bleeding out and he's standing at a chalkboard drawing a diagram of the cardiovascular system. He said that if I was telling him specifically what to do/say then he would do/say it, within reason. I was too tired to repeat for the millionth time that I don't know exactly what I need and that in my opinion part of his work is to join me in figuring that out, that I don't want to hand him a script and have him read from it because that just seems stupid and phony.

I'm so sick of this. I just want to quit but I can't because I'm stupid and attached and hopeful that one day he'll figure it out. I feel like someone in a crappy romantic relationship who just can't seem to separate from their partner because they have this eternal hope that the partner will change. And all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for sticking with him, and a large part of me agrees, but I just can't bring myself to "break up" with him.

Hugs if wanted. The part I bolded is an excellent analogy. I do agree that he should be playing a big role in figuring out what you need, like trying out different things, seeing if they help.

I understand your wanting to stay and your attachment to him. I've been there in both therapeutic (with Dr. T) and romantic relationships. He seems like he should have the capability to get it, with his training. And why you don't want to give him a script. But I wonder if it might help to give him a script the first time, then he can hopefully adapt it to his own words for future sessions? Just an idea...as I've had to spell out what I've needed from my T in the past, and it ultimately paid off (though was sometimes really difficult and painful in the moment, like the whole standing when I leave thing...).
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chihirochild, Quietmind 2
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