Couch 214: The chihiro couch

That's frustrating. Dr. T has said stuff before about if he keeps reassuring me, then I'll always be dependent on him or another T. Which I don't think is true? He seems to have shifted on that since I came back in September and particularly with everything going on with Covid right now (I get the sense that he's struggling with the lockdown in various ways, too, so empathy is coming more naturally).


Maybe try explaining to him again? How what you need right now to get through all this (like working in ICU) is temporary, that you need comfort to be able to get through the days, that you're not going to be asking him for this indefinitely. It's just what you need right now.


Like...I don't know, say someone's partner broke their leg and had trouble getting around until it healed. That person might need to do a lot for them in order to help them through, take on most chores, shopping, maybe help them to bathroom, etc. But it's temporary, while they're dealing with the injury. Maybe that's a bad analogy, but perhaps something like that would help him understand what you need right now? Have you graphically described what you see day in and day out at work right now? Maybe that could help him get what you need as well? That you just need someone who can give you support and listen and be caring and reassuring?

My one guinea pig is lying down in the pile of hay while eating it... Yeah, it's adorable...

Butt hole.

Neighbor’s daughter called. He’s in hospice (he did test positive for covid but it turned out the real problem was cancer he beat last year came roaring back and metastasized) and not expected to live long. I didn’t know him except to chat briefly with (so no condolences needed), but he seemed nice.

That means loan dog is no longer a loan (she has allergic kids and I offered to adopt him, bronzed perineum and all).


“You mean perineum?”—Loan dog

Can you just live stream some guinea pig cuteness or something? Having a hard day over here.

“You mean perineum?”—Loan dog

That's so nice of you, @@

Just finished a session with T. He says that in order for me to get better I need to do all this mental gymnastics like owning my desires for care/connection, experiencing my feelings without dissociating into fantasies of SI/SH. I said that this work feels intolerable right now, that he is not hearing me or understanding my emotional needs. I said that it feels like I'm lying on the ground bleeding out and he's standing at a chalkboard drawing a diagram of the cardiovascular system. He said that if I was telling him specifically what to do/say then he would do/say it, within reason. I was too tired to repeat for the millionth time that I don't know exactly what I need and that in my opinion part of his work is to join me in figuring that out, that I don't want to hand him a script and have him read from it because that just seems stupid and phony.

I'm so sick of this. I just want to quit but I can't because I'm stupid and attached and hopeful that one day he'll figure it out. I feel like someone in a crappy romantic relationship who just can't seem to separate from their partner because they have this eternal hope that the partner will change. And all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for sticking with him, and a large part of me agrees, but I just can't bring myself to "break up" with him.

Neighbor’s daughter called. He’s in hospice (he did test positive for covid but it turned out the real problem was cancer he beat last year came roaring back and metastasized) and not expected to live long. I didn’t know him except to chat briefly with (so no condolences needed), but he seemed nice.

That means loan dog is no longer a loan (she has allergic kids and I offered to adopt him, bronzed perineum and all).

And yet when i do stuff like that, people tell me its not so adorable

you would be lying in fat-free, chemical filled hay like substance.

Well if he has won over new cat - what else can you ask for? He sounds like a great dog!

I am sorry to hear about your neighbor but glad the dog has you and that your cat now has 2 minions and possibly a lover. I have a dog and cat that share a love that dare not speak its name

In fairness new cat may just have seen him as a soft warm pillow and used him.

Can you just live stream some guinea pig cuteness or something? Having a hard day over here.

What's the appropriate protocol when your cousin's 19 year old son dies? Is it acceptable to send a condolence email or do I need to physically mail them a card?

Your post made me think of this video I saw recently: . (There's a shorter video of just the machine working, but I couldn't find it.)

Except your therapist wants you to build an empathetic therapist machine. What is the point in giving him a script? Is that supposed to feel genuine?

I like your bleeding out analogy. At my session Wednesday, my therapist brought up for the 4th time working out a schedule of some sort to deal with the monotonous isolation. It really brought my mood down. We talked about it Thursday and I told him it's like you're not seeing the big picture. I'm having violent SI and you want me to schedule what time I eat lunch when I really need you to address the SI. Your therapist wants to keep working on issues that may be relevant to you to work on in a normal world, but right now you need to put that aside and feel supported during an extremely stressful time. I don't understand why he can't hear what you're explicitly telling him.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with therapist issues on top of everything else. Have you considered getting on one of those therapy apps like Betterhelp to get some support right now?

Just finished a session with T. He says that in order for me to get better I need to do all this mental gymnastics like owning my desires for care/connection, experiencing my feelings without dissociating into fantasies of SI/SH. I said that this work feels intolerable right now, that he is not hearing me or understanding my emotional needs. I said that it feels like I'm lying on the ground bleeding out and he's standing at a chalkboard drawing a diagram of the cardiovascular system. He said that if I was telling him specifically what to do/say then he would do/say it, within reason. I was too tired to repeat for the millionth time that I don't know exactly what I need and that in my opinion part of his work is to join me in figuring that out, that I don't want to hand him a script and have him read from it because that just seems stupid and phony.

I'm so sick of this. I just want to quit but I can't because I'm stupid and attached and hopeful that one day he'll figure it out. I feel like someone in a crappy romantic relationship who just can't seem to separate from their partner because they have this eternal hope that the partner will change. And all my friends are telling me I'm crazy for sticking with him, and a large part of me agrees, but I just can't bring myself to "break up" with him.