Couch 214: The chihiro couch

LT, That seems like it could be fun to be a part of a painting group. I've been painting here and there just for fun, and would probably have the same fear as you do if I were to join a group.

I went to my mom's yesterday and bought her flowers and card. My father bought me breakfast and flowers today, which was nice. Going to take the kids with H to go on a hike.

Thanks, SheHulk. I found a couple Facebook groups that seem supportive, like they actually say you can't make negative comments, so trying those for now.

Attempt at a Mother's Day Facetime with my parents went pretty poorly with my D. We eventually had to send her to her room (too complicated to explain here). H and I kept talking to my parents some, and they were understanding. It's the first year in my existence that I haven't seen my mom on Mother's Day--she'd always come up to visit me at college on that day (and otherwise, I was relatively local). I think that's much harder on her than it is on me.


Honestly, I'm glad I got to meet (Zoom) with Dr. T today. When talking with my parents, I remembered a funny thing he said. TMI alert: My D has been struggling with constipation issues again lately that were especially bad yesterday (they've been, er, resolved). Dr. T was asking about her diet. I sheepishly admitted that in the past few weeks, her breakfast has been a couple mini chocolate donuts and a handful of marshmallows. Dr. T: "I want to come live at your house!"

I screwed up. Something my therapist said in Friday's session got under my skin* and I ended up emailing him about it while feeling really emotional about an hour later. My email "annoyed" him. Fair enough. It was probably annoying to receive. He ended up sending me another lengthier email later in the evening. It wasn't overly harsh but he did double down on his stance, said he wasn't mad, and was looking forward to our next session on Monday. But I feel like I'm going to session to get scolded and shamed and lectured about me abusing email and I don't think I can handle that right now. I don't want to cancel entirely, but I want to send him an email telling him that I can't deal with being shamed and that I'd prefer to meet on Zoom. I can't decide if I should send it today or wait until morning (appointment is at 1 pm). I have no idea if me not coming in person would affect his schedule somehow. I have a feeling he's going to find this email annoying too. Maybe part of me wants him to reassure me and talk me into coming in person. How pathetic. I can't decide what to do.

*He said something about how he didn't feel able to give me everything I needed. He's said this before. It makes me feel like a burden (although he tells me all the time I'm not) and like I'm defective. My STBX loved telling me how crazy I was, which always hurt, so these statements are a trigger for that feeling also. In my email, I asked him wasn't he ethically obligated to terminate if that was the case. I also said something about how meaningful our relationship was to me but I'd go somewhere else if that was best. I told him not to respond because I was probably just wanting attention that I didn't deserve. So, yeah, it was annoying. My only defense is I'm having a terrible week mentally. I knew I shouldn't have sent it, but at that moment I was hurting and I just didn't care.

Hugs, NP. Telling your T how what he said affected you isn't doing anything wrong, but I understand why you feel like you screwed up (as I've been there...). You should be able to tell him things like that. I wonder if his comment on not being able to give you everything you need is his feeling bad that he can't do more for you? That he's limited (by your relationship) in what he can do? Rather than his implying that you're a burden? I don't think he's trying to get rid of you.


If you're worried about him scolding you, it might be better to just send the email tonight. Just briefly say what you're worried about. Hopefully he will say that's not what he intends to do.

If you want to PM me the email exchange, I could let you know what I think of what he said, but if you don't want to, I completely understand! I just know sometimes it can help to have another perspective.

Hi couch,

I have left the family home. I cannot accept that my father has been violent to one of my brothers and I'm the bad guy for saying that is wrong. He insists that it's his right to beat and hit for "discipline"... Yes we're all adults despite the taboo of leaving the home before marriage.

Staying with a fellow survivor friend. All the details on my blog for those who want the full gory show.

Big hugs, QM.

Oh wow, QM, that's a big step. You're very brave. Adding big hugs... stay safe...

I'm glad you got out of that house, QM. I hope you can use this momentum to keep moving away from them and their abuse.

Hugs. You all are so kind

Finished with my five-night stretch!!! Came home and had a glass of wine and half a pint of Ben and Jerry's at seven in the morning to celebrate... which I know is weird... but I'm freeeee!

I feel semi-crisis-y today. Not a full blown crisis, but not feeling particularly very well either. Not even sure what it is about. I've been having lots of flashbacks about being at the ER and the hospital, so I don't know if that's it, but otherwise, the hallucinations and stuff have been okay so I don't think it's that. So I'm just letting myself feel the semi-crisis. I'm not attending to it, but I'm not blocking it. If it wants to stay around it can. I'm not going to push it away and try to be fine and try to be normal when I'm not, but I'm not embracing it either. I'm trying to just be mindful of it and know that this is the state that I'm in and that, that state is okay to be in. It will pass when it's ready and I don't need to freak out over it. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

it's interesting how extremely divided my friends are politically, that i never realized until all this virus stuff. i have some friends who are so far to the right they are into all the current conspiracy theories, and then some who are so far to the left that they are posting tons of dire warnings making me start questioning everything *deleted the triggered stuff because it was too damn much* The far left and the far right stuff they are sharing on facebook are equally as damaging to my mental health. I unfollowed a few people this morning for the time being....

Hey artie. Yeah sometimes i have to remind myself, how does this (what a bunch of people who i dont know do in d.c.) affect MY life? Then there is, "think globally, act locally". Ya know, BE the change you want to see. Then again, if they ever did a national city rating, i think our town would definitely make one of the top ten most smug. Not sure how they would measure that. Nbr of Whole Foods times lawyers?

Your town is only the second-smuggest place I’ve ever lived.

I’m done grading. I don’t feel the usual elation. It wasn’t the worst semester ever, but it was certainly the weirdest.

I celebrated by getting into a Twitter argument with someone insisting that countries doing best with covid response all had female leaders and it was entirely due to gender.

Time to go bake a cake. (Loan dog and new cat won’t let me nap.)

What kind of cake @@?

Golden. With chocolate frosting.

mmm! make me an angel food cake okay?

It's unfortunate that the virus has been politicized like that. It seems like we should all be on the side of science and saving lives first. The thing that drives me crazy is that some people seem to think the virus has somehow been defeated and we can slowly go back to normal. There is absolutely no way that is true. We would need much better testing and tracing abilities in place to even contain this thing, much less get back to anything resembling normal.

I have an ex from Michigan who was smug out the wazoo, so I have a guess where you live, ha.

I am feeling fragile today. I want to wrap up in a blanket and slip under the covers and shut out the world for a while. Too bad I'm at work and can do neither of those things. I did put my sweatshirt on which is making me feel a little bit more "held" together but it is definitely not the same. Plus it is my new sweatshirt so it's not "broken in" yet. I wouldn't mind some hugs. Thanks, Kit

Ha, i beat you to the punch. I been eating Twinkies and Ho-hos.

I read that about women leaders too. I think the subtlety of the argument might be lost on anyone who cant imagine having a woman leader?

They are cancelling the art fair this year because of the covid. All my major relationships blew up at the darn art fair. This might work out for me after all!

Maybe, but also it’s just flat-out wrong. Because Belgium, islands, small population countries.

Don’t you want to know the smuggest place I’ve ever lived?