[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi, all.

I hope you're doing well. I'm wondering how you handle pleasantries in therapy. Do you ask your providers how they are?

A relative asked me a question tonight that spotlighted the weird one-sidedness of the therapeutic relationship.

Anyway, would love to know your thoughts on whether you do, why or why not.

Thanks,

Lost

[stopdog]

It did not matter to me how the therapist was and the woman would not have answered other than fine. To me, it would be pointless to ask.

Sometimes. I don't always ask because I don't always care how she is and occasionally I hope she is experiencing emotional distress so I would not ask at those times. Sometimes she starts rambling on about some incidental physical ailment and that annoys me, sometimes she shares something from her emotional life which is more interesting to me. It's mostly a social nicety for me and I don't think it is a loaded question in the way that many therapists or some clients would like to describe.

[ArtleyWilkins]

While I was in therapy, we saw each other so regularly, that really wasn't something that came up. I mean, we regularly chatted a little about our day-to-day lives a bit in my sessions, so I pretty much knew what was going on in his life - generally at least.

I've been out of therapy for many years now, so when we run into each other or correspond (like we just did this week because he wished me a happy birthday and asked how the fam is doing - he knows my whole family), of course I also ask how his family is doing, how his dancing is going (his latest hobby and social outlet), etc.

[nottrustin]

I always have. It is just normal for me to ask people how they are especially if I know they will ask me.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I always did, just habit I guess.

[susannahsays]

No and she only asks me like half the time.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

No and she only asks me like half the time.

Really? That's interesting. That was like the first thing we started with each session. How am I doing?: sleep, mood, anxiety, etc.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Really? That's interesting. That was like the first thing we started with each session. How am I doing?: sleep, mood, anxiety, etc.

Yes. Maybe because I usually inform her of how I am doing without being asked. Now that I think about it, when she does ask, I usually say fine regardless... then launch into my various grievances with life and how horrible I feel. So there's not much point to asking.

Yes, we talk of many things like that

[healed84]

Sometimes.. if I knew he was coming back from being sick or being on vacation I would ask how it was or how he is doing. But it’s not something I do not every time.

[LonesomeTonight]

I said "sometimes," but it's not that often. More like, similar to what Healed said, if I knew he'd been sick or had an injury. If he just came back from a trip, I might ask, "Did you have a good trip?" (and he'll usually just something like, "yes, thanks.")

With ex-MC, when there were times he had to cancel at the last minute, I've said something like, "I hope you're OK" or "I hope everything is OK" in an email. Though I suppose that's different than just "How are you?"

It's definitely a weird relationship...I mean, a first question I tend to ask a friend (or family member) in a message or email would be "So how are you doing?"

[SlumberKitty]

Yes, I always ask. It just seems like a good way to ease into talking about what's up with me. Either they ask me and then I ask them or I ask them and then they ask me and then the real work begins.

[Salmon77]

I used to make small talk to begin a session, when I first started therapy. My T always said "why don't we get straight to what's on your mind" or something like that. I figured he had a point, I'm not going to therapy to find out how his day is going or whatever. We do chat a little, if I'm curious about something I'll ask, so we are friendly. But we don't do small talk.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

No, I've never asked my T that.

[SlumberKitty]

My case manager whenever I ask her, she always says, "I'm looking forward to talking to you!" So she doesn't really tell me how she is, but that is still nice to hear.

[CharlieStarDust]

I said yes - but just as a formality. It's not like she'll answer honestly (and I don't think I care enough to know if she did).

[nottrustin]

For me it has to do with me needing time to ger xomfortanle, ger "connected" and warm up. We both know I cant just walk in and dive in. Sometimes I spend half the session talking about minor issues before I can being up painful topics.

She does answer although it is always a positive response

[Flinders40]

No, because that’s not why I’m there. It may sound harsh to some, but my therapist is not my friend, colleague or family member. Additionally, I refuse to ask a question in which I won’t get an honest answer. Will she actually tell me if she’s doing poorly? No.
So why bother with fake pleasantries just for the hell of it.?

[ArtleyWilkins]

I found my therapists quite honest when times were rough for them. Very fortunate that we had pretty transparent communication that way. It wasn’t about friendship; just honesty.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't always ask my T(s) how she is doing. If she asks me how I'm doing, I'll return the question to her. And if I know something came up for her (illness, emergency, etc.), I'll ask her how she's doing. Both will answer honestly.

[Hobbit House]

Yes, I do. Because I trust my T, also, because I found out that her son had gotten in a car accident and burned to death. I found out when they called to reschedule our appointment. Lost her son and was back at work two weeks later... Best T ever.

[Flinders40]

There’s no guarantee that a therapist will answer honestly. However, that might be because I’m trained not to take people at their word. But for those of you who truly believe they are being forthright - that’s great.

[velcro003]

No, I don't think I ever have. She always asks how I am, and we go from there.

[feileacan]

No, I don't ask. He does not ask me either. But we are not in US and exchanging such pleasantries is not the compulsory part of saying 'hi' in my culture anyway.

Although, to be fair, most of the time I don't say 'hi' to him either, although he always does say it to me.