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  #1  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 10:29 AM
treloarbabe treloarbabe is offline
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Hi There,

I am from U.K. , a full-time wheelchair user. In therapy. Asked for twice a week sessions today. My therapist said no. I am paying privately out of pocket. I now feel incredibly low, depressed, alone, told off and not empowered..

Do you mind if I start my own thread on here? I think Lonesome Tonight and some other people have done it, haven't they?

Been crying for the last four hours..
Hugs from:
*Beth*, ElectricManatee, InnerPeace111, seeker33

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  #2  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 11:37 AM
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Did your therapist give you a reason they said no?
  #3  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 12:15 PM
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I'm sorry you are feeling so upset about being told no. I am impressed that you asked for what you want/need because I know how hard that can be. Do you feel comfortable telling your therapist how their response made you feel? That might useful therapy material, even if the answer remains no.

For what it's worth, going twice a week is not unheard of in the U.S. (I have done it myself.) So even if your therapist isn't willing to increase your session frequency, it was not an unreasonable thing to inquire about.
  #4  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 01:29 PM
Anonymous41549
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Describing yourself as feeling "told off" stands out to me.
  #5  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 02:08 PM
emmaleemochizuki emmaleemochizuki is offline
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I'm sorry thats what happened but still very brave of you to have asked.

did your T give you an explanation why?

I struggle to understand why a therapist wouldn't.

Maybe you can consider trying out with another therapist?
  #6  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 03:11 PM
KLL85 KLL85 is offline
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I’m from the UK and was told no to having twice weekly sessions from my ex-T last year. His explanation was that most counselling bodies within the UK do not believe that more than one session a week is anymore therapeutically helpful than once a week and for some clients can actually cause problems. He said that it doesn’t give some clients enough time to properly process what has been discussed between each session and often encourages reliance on the T rather than taking more responsibility for themselves which is what therapy is supposed to be about. He also worried about over attachment issues and whether the need for wanting more sessions was actually to ‘do’ therapy or just another chance for me to feel a connection with him as I lacked that with anyone else in my life.
He was spot on with every point and although I was resentful at the times, looking back his insight was much better than mine and he made the best decision to help me long term.
Thanks for this!
seeker33
  #7  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 04:10 PM
Anonymous43372
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Originally Posted by KLL85 View Post
I’m from the UK and was told no to having twice weekly sessions from my ex-T last year.

His explanation was that most counselling bodies within the UK do not believe that more than one session a week is anymore therapeutically helpful than once a week and for some clients can actually cause problems.

He said that it doesn’t give some clients enough time to properly process what has been discussed between each session and often encourages reliance on the T rather than taking more responsibility for themselves which is what therapy is supposed to be about.

He also worried about over attachment issues and whether the need for wanting more sessions was actually to ‘do’ therapy or just another chance for me to feel a connection with him as I lacked that with anyone else in my life.

He was spot on with every point and although I was resentful at the times, looking back his insight was much better than mine and he made the best decision to help me long term.
I agree with this post ^^.

I really don't think going to therapy 2x a week is healthy. I know you feel rejected treloarbabe. But please don't.

It's healthier for you and your therapist to maintain some distance from each other, limiting your sessions to once a week.

You don't want to become dependent on your therapist as your only social outlet, much less, your only person who emotionally supports you.
  #8  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 04:31 PM
Anonymous41549
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Sometimes it is useful for a client to learn how to depend on someone else. It is not unhealthy to need an increased level of support.
Thanks for this!
ElectricManatee, GingerBee, NP_Complete, treloarbabe
  #9  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 05:27 PM
Anonymous43372
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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
Sometimes it is useful for a client to learn how to depend on someone else. It is not unhealthy to need an increased level of support.
Yes, well its not the therapist's job to enable their patient's codependency behavior. That doesn't help the patient at all.

Therapists are people with their own boundaries and need their patients to respect their therapist's boundaries.
  #10  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 05:43 PM
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I don't think being able to depend on someone for support is the same thing as codependency. And I hardly think that by seeing your therapist twice a week it means you're trampling all over their boundaries. Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. What works for you might not work for someone else.
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, ElectricManatee, susannahsays, Taylor27
  #11  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 05:50 PM
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Motts, you are making a huge leap by assuming that learning how to engage with dependency is the same as co-dependency. I avoid relationships and I am isolated. I don't know how to accept support. A big part of my work in therapy is learning how to be in a relationship. This isn't co-dependency.

Obviously therapists have boundaries. So do clients. If a therapist states they do not see clients more than once a week because of their personal preference, that's fine. It is hard for OP to hear though. No one is suggesting that clients shouldn't respect boundaries. It is not disrespectful to ask for more support and then be hurt when you are told no.
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, NP_Complete, susannahsays
  #12  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 06:07 PM
KLL85 KLL85 is offline
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I completely agree it totally depends on the therapist and the individual client. I really thought twice a week would be better for me as I had no other support network and really needed to learn how to make a connection with another human being. And I still think more frequent sessions definitely would have helped with this. But I think for me personally, I can see how it would have also caused me more damage long term, I definitely would have used it to become reliant on him to make me feel better. I didn’t see it at the time and I massively took it as rejection which took me a long while to get over, but looking back now I can totally see why he did it. But that doesn’t mean that would be the case for everyone. I just wanted to share some of the reasons why some Ts can be less keen on two sessions a week.
Thanks for this!
NP_Complete
  #13  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 06:31 PM
*Beth* *Beth* is offline
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The first thing I want to say is that I hope you feel proud of asking for what you wanted, and believe you need. That is terrific!

I see my therapist twice per week, and have been since winter. For me, there is absolutely no more "attachment" to her 2 x week than there is 1 x week. I am attached to her, and that's how it is.

Being attached (or not) to one's therapist is what therapy is about. The attachment is how we do the work.

I will say that each T most likely has a specific reason for seeing a client once or twice per week. Of course, we don't know exactly why you're in therapy or what you're working on. And we don't know your therapist.

Whatever the case, there was nothing wrong for you to request an additional session per week. Nothing wrong. I encourage you to discuss how you're feeling with your therapist. I think it's extremely important. Your feelings and thoughts about the subject are so very, very important.

btw, anyone can have their own thread. The subject has come up before, Doc John chimed in and said it's okay.
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Thanks for this!
NP_Complete
  #14  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 06:45 PM
Anonymous43372
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Is it a huge leap to suggest that its healthier to have boundaries than not have boundaries? Dependency and codependency are the same thing. Both are dysfunctional attachment styles.

I don't think multiple therapy sessions in the span of 7 days is normal or healthy for either the therapist or the client. You can hang out with your friends or family that way, but you should not hang out that much with someone who is paid to help you with your mental health problems. Just my opinion.
  #15  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 06:47 PM
Anonymous43372
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
The first thing I want to say is that I hope you feel proud of asking for what you wanted, and believe you need. That is terrific!

I see my therapist twice per week, and have been since winter. For me, there is absolutely no more "attachment" to her 2 x week than there is 1 x week. I am attached to her, and that's how it is.

Being attached (or not) to one's therapist is what therapy is about. The attachment is how we do the work.

I will say that each T most likely has a specific reason for seeing a client once or twice per week. Of course, we don't know exactly why you're in therapy or what you're working on. And we don't know your therapist.

Whatever the case, there was nothing wrong for you to request an additional session per week. Nothing wrong. I encourage you to discuss how you're feeling with your therapist. I think it's extremely important. Your feelings and thoughts about the subject are so very, very important.

btw, anyone can have their own thread. The subject has come up before, Doc John chimed in and said it's okay.
No, that is not the point of therapy -- to form an attachment to your therapist. The point of therapy is to learn coping skills from a licensed professional. The therapist is not there to become your best friend, your confidant. The therapist's only role, is to help you learn coping skills to improve your quality of life.
  #16  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 06:58 PM
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You must be firmly entrenched in the CBT camp. I do not go to therapy to learn coping skills. My therapist is not in his job just to teach coping skills. Coping skills are, in my opinion, just a band aid. I go to therapy to process and try to heal from things in my past. I couldn't do that work without an attachment to my therapist. It's not unhealthy to have an attachment to your therapist.

I went once a week for maybe 6 or 7 months before switching to twice a week. 45 minutes once a week wasn't cutting it for me. There was too much to talk about in my daily life to even get to processing anything. Adding that second session opened up some space to allow getting at things on a deeper level.

You're obviously entitled to your opinion, but it's not as black and white as you seem to think it is. Maybe do some reading about how the relationship with the therapist is what is healing. That may not be what everyone wants or needs or responds to, but other people can and do.
Hugs from:
Lemoncake
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
  #17  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 07:11 PM
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Also, dependency and codependency are not the same thing.

The Difference between Dependency and Codependency
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
  #18  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 07:48 PM
*Beth* *Beth* is offline
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Originally Posted by Motts View Post
No, that is not the point of therapy -- to form an attachment to your therapist. The point of therapy is to learn coping skills from a licensed professional. The therapist is not there to become your best friend, your confidant. The therapist's only role, is to help you learn coping skills to improve your quality of life.

It certainly is. It's the basis of the therapeutic alliance. Read about transference.

If, however, you are referring solely to coping skills - short-term therapy (6 to 18 sessions) - that is a different school of therapy than, say psychodynamic therapy is.
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  #19  
Old Jun 29, 2020, 07:49 PM
*Beth* *Beth* is offline
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Originally Posted by NP_Complete View Post
You must be firmly entrenched in the CBT camp. I do not go to therapy to learn coping skills. My therapist is not in his job just to teach coping skills. Coping skills are, in my opinion, just a band aid. I go to therapy to process and try to heal from things in my past. I couldn't do that work without an attachment to my therapist. It's not unhealthy to have an attachment to your therapist.

I went once a week for maybe 6 or 7 months before switching to twice a week. 45 minutes once a week wasn't cutting it for me. There was too much to talk about in my daily life to even get to processing anything. Adding that second session opened up some space to allow getting at things on a deeper level.

You're obviously entitled to your opinion, but it's not as black and white as you seem to think it is. Maybe do some reading about how the relationship with the therapist is what is healing. That may not be what everyone wants or needs or responds to, but other people can and do.

^^^ This
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  #20  
Old Jun 30, 2020, 04:06 AM
Oxolyric Oxolyric is offline
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Hi Trelorababe
I’m from uk too and my ex T was paid initially by my insurance company to provide 16 weekly sessions of CAT -after that (which I hated btw) we discussed an out of pocket more analytical route and it was once every 2 weeks (his rules) with the odd in between one for a specific reason eg when I had to go to court that day to face my abusive husband-then it was straight back to once every 2 weeks- he had been 25 years as a professor of clinical psychology running the regions mental health services for theNHS ,lecturing post grad medical students etc before setting up in private practice so I think this type of timescale between appointments is definitely part of the UK system-
I understand deeply that feeling of rejection and admire your courage in asking for more as I couldn’t have done that -and also understand that therapists have boundaries-/experience/potential overload etc balancing this is difficult and each therapist has so much autonomy that rejection and feeling a lack of any sovereignty can be overwhelming - The push/pull emotional relationship I had with this man for over 4 yrs literally broke me and I walked away-2 years on I’m definitely not over it
I know it’s a different profession but as a veterinary surgeon I also have more needy /“difficult” clients and am heavily invested emotionally particularly with elderly pets and owners who only have each other- I’m not allowed to set limits on how often they want to see me -time and urgency dependant obviously (often to go over the same things as can happen in therapy) or call the out of hours service (which could be me)

Please be careful -talking to your therapist about his reasons for refusing your request may help you understand his perspective-if he changes his mind try to be conscious of not feeling special as this can be very painful as well

I feel for you
Take care
Hugs from:
Lemoncake
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
  #21  
Old Jun 30, 2020, 08:06 AM
*Beth* *Beth* is offline
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Originally Posted by Oxolyric View Post
...The push/pull emotional relationship I had with this man for over 4 yrs literally broke me and I walked away-2 years on I’m definitely not over it...

Good (entire) post, Oxolyric. I'm curious about something. How were you able to "walk away" from the therapeutic relationship you had?
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