Unmet needs and longings

Sort of along the line of fantasies, L and I have been talking about unmet needs and longings. It's so painful!!! And it's so hard, shameful, and embarrassing. Admitting that I have maternal transference for another woman who is 4 years younger than me! Wanting her to hold me, stroke my hair, tuck me into bed, cuddle with me, etc. I have actually been verbalizing it! And she can't or won't meet my needs. So the pain is not just what I missed in childhood, but also now in my relationship with her. It's like a tease. I want to give up and be done with it all. I won't. This is the only hope I've got: in her, in our relationship, in this process. Otherwise, my life is over.

Can someone please explain to me how talking about these desires with the person you have these desires with, is helpful? Is she telling the truth that you can get safe nurturing touch in adult friendships? And it be normal? Has anyone else experienced this pain? Have you been able to get passed it?

I am going through this with my T too. Honestly I have no idea how it's meant to help just talking to them about it, maybe they hear you and that's meant to be enough. It's not enough for me either.

Yes apparently you can have safe and nurturing touch in adult friendships. This has not been my experience so far though I am craving touch at the moment, as I do not know many people and this virus has taken all my opportunities to meet people away.

My T won't touch me. I don't know if I'm happy for him or really hurt by this.. Maybe both.

It sounds like you are doing everything right, even though it's painful! I hope I am too. I hope someone else replies with how it's meant to help and how they got through it.

She *can't* meet those needs. The time for when those longings needed to be filled has gone. Even if she could give you what you want now, it wouldn't help, and it would never be enough. It needed to be given at the time the developing child needed it. There is nothing she could give you now that will fill the void that was made back then.

The way forward is to face the void. When you can face it and explore it and see inside it really does stop feeling so desperate. When you face it and accept it for what it is then you can begin to fill it with real things.

Yup going through it right now also. I can not see how to find a “friend” who you first have to feel that same emotional, nurturing connection that you feel with your T and then have the be willing to give you that kind of nurturing you need. Friends do not want to do that and if it is a romantic partner then sex will be involved and that just muddies the entire issue.

My T claims my adult self needs to give my child part the nurturing. You are to do it for yourself apparently. So he goes into imaginary scenarios where I am to go in and rescue, care for, feed, tuck in to bed, child part. So far it is not working at all.

I am so sorry for this aching and longing. It is like torture. I left my T for a few months because it was so painful but it festered and grew to a point I could not handle it and went back to him.

This is all so miserable. I really feel for us who weren't loved as we should have been and the pain we live with. I don't know if it is possible to soothe the pain and meet the yearning enough, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how sad it is.

My ex T clearly told me that nobody will ever be able to meet the needs I did not get as a child, only I can provide the comfort and healing that I need to myself. I desperately wanted her to hug me and soothe me and stroke my hair as I cried but she said even if she did that (which she clearly stated she would not do) all I would end up wanting was something else l. I have real trouble accepting that I have to be the one to comfort and fix myself. How is that fair when it wasn’t me who caused the problem. I don’t think I will ever be able to work through everything related to my unmet needs. It’s devastating and utter torture.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. I so understand. I was abused as a child by my mother and didn't know my father.....I find nurturing from my friends. Helping others also helps to take us out of ourselves.

Yes, I know the feelings you describe. I can't say how talking about it with T is helping. It does seem to be helping. And yeah, it is/has been very embarrassing for me as well. It has taken a lot to be able to verbalize the feelings, urges, fantasies... whatever you want to call them. They are very similar to the ones you describe.

I honestly don't know how it helps. I can say that it does seem to be helping me. The best I can say is that it helps strengthen the ego (for lack of a better word) of the part that is longing and has the unmet needs by hearing repeatedly that it's ok to have these wants, that I did miss then when I was growing up, it's ok to grieve not having them then and not being able to have them now... And for me, it's in line with the Parts work as it also lets another part hear that the needy and longing part has a purpose, is ok to exist... and so on. Gives words/acceptance to both parts - redirections when the parts are in conflict with accepting each other, and such. There's a book called "I love you the purplest" I wasn't taught how to think in these terms. Part of hearing T finding words to describe how to see things differently - in a less judgmental way when talking about the wanting, longing, needing; has been helpful in getting the inner parts to feel soothed/better; something. I don't know, it's really hard to describe.

Grief seems to be a big part of it for me - having that grief, hurt, and anger witnessed and supported.

I struggle with this a lot too. You verbalized it very well, thank you. I say to my t all the time "why is it always me!!!!"

I find it helpful to imagine that my T is brushing my hair, or that I’m a child cuddling on her lap. Maybe imagining it sets off the same brain circuit as the real thing would?

Recently – finally -- it seems like some threads in my life are coming together. Bottom line – for me to be whole, the horror and intense pain of abandonment and rejection had to be re-experienced in full.

That happened ONLY when my last T terminated me. Then, I had feelings I did not know and had not felt in my adult memory. Six months later the same feelings showed up in my consciousness from when I was a child. But no resolution, no nothing, just misery.

A support group provided a sense of being OK and belonging, somewhat. But then, several months ago there was an unresolvable conflict within the group and it broke apart. Leaving me feeling destitute of belonging in the world once again.

So, I tried a Betterhelp T. I told her I wanted feedback about how I came across. I didn’t say exactly why, but it was basically because I wanted to know what it was about me that caused the last T to reject me. Yes, it was her issues, etc., but still there was/must have been something about me that she didn’t say and I didn’t really know for sure.

The Betterhelp T was nice but somewhat inexperienced so I freaked out that she would not be able to do what I felt I wanted and needed.

So I looked up regular therapists who say they deal with personality disorders and lucked into one who picked up the phone!! Amazing! I might not have left a message otherwise. He answered the phone even though he didn’t have any openings, and said that he would email me the contact information for some people who did. And he did! So I called the one whose website looked most interesting. And SHE answered the phone as well!!!

I also went to my MD and got a prescription for an antidepressant. They had helped take the edge off depression in the past, and I was feeling desperate.

At the third appointment with the regular T I discussed the ending of the previous therapy and some of the trauma-related experiences that had come up then along with some unresolved, disconnected aspects of my early life, and how that might be related to some things my adult life. And things began to fall into perspective.

I have discontinued with Betterhelp and will continue with the regular T every other week for awhile. I have told her I’m not interested in delving any more into my inner life, but want to focus on adaptation. And she gets that – her website says that she tailors her approach to the individual client and so far that is working for me.

In my case – it’s not just the unmet needs. It was the unfelt, unaccepted pain and disappointment and anguish from when those longings were ripped apart or away way back when. And . . .the world is still to me an unfriendly place. Of course, that means that feeling that way I am not a very friendly person! But faking it just meant I had a fake life, not seeing/feeling the negatives, and that didn’t work either in the long term.

I’ve found some solace in non-religious spirituality and meditation. I loved my cats unconditionally, and I know that, but that’s not enough for me to love myself. I have needed a sense of something beyond myself. When my late husband was alive, he met that need. But he’s been dead for more than 20 years and I’m still here.

Who am I, all by myself, alone and independent? The little 3-year-old, “abandoned” and terrified on the operating room table. I did survive. But damaged in unbearable ways. And that injury affected my relationships, or avoidance of relationships, with women in ways I did not see, feel very thoroughly, or understand.

What can be made of my life at this point? I don’t know. Has it been “worth” the journey and the search for the lost pieces of myself? I’m not sure that I really had much of a choice – something felt wrong, I “longed” for them to come back together maybe? But I want both – the lost pieces of myself AND a sense of belonging in the world. It wasn’t possible to have both when I was a child. Is that possible now? Who knows.

I think something else that has been helpful to me in some ways, is finally beginning to find compassion for little me. It's been a long, long journey from hating her and wanting to annihilate her for ever existing, to where I am truly starting to learn to feel love and compassion for her. It came on me like waves after my session before last. I sorta blanked out on t for a couple seconds as in my head I was transported back to the past in one specific memory of physical abuse. I wish I had opened my mouth and walked t through it with me but I didn't. I pushed my way out of it and back to the present. (I think I want her to be a witness to the memory, though.) After that is when I started feeling the waves of compassion for little me who didn't know what she had been doing was wrong and couldn't understand why she was being punished for it.

I honestly could have written your post myself. You are not alone! It is a very tough and painful process. I’m still in the midst of it, and I’m hoping it gets easier. I feel like it’s too far along to stop, as that would be excruciating, but it also can feel very painful at times. I often feel rejected for things that I know aren’t actually her rejecting me- things like not making more time for me and having limited boundaries, etc. Even though on some level, I understand her need for this, and that limitations aren’t about me specifically, I still feel this very childlike pain that if only I were good, smart, kind enough, etc., then she would be more willing to essentially “adopt” me, whatever that may look like.

I’ve been trying to challenge the ways I think about relationships- I struggle emotionally with trying to put things into boxes or labels and tend to see things as black and white (ie. she’s just a therapist doing her job, as one example). When really- yes, that fact is true. And her being a therapist and holding those boundaries can help me long term because if I behaved this way with a family member or friend (which I honestly wouldn’t do) then I would burn her out. But at the same time, just because that fact is true, doesn’t mean she doesn’t actually care about me, or feel a sense of love for me, or feel “motherly” towards me. Both things can be true.

But she can’t fill that unmet need. No matter how bad I feel, no matter how I behave. It won’t make a difference.

I think for me it’s about accepting hard truths about myself and my past. It’s about saying this totally isn’t fair that I will never get those needs met, but how can I learn to move forward in a way that isn’t so destructive and painful for me. It’s hard to maintain hope but that’s all I can do sometimes.

This is what my T is trying to get me to do. To have compassion and to nurture the child part of me when it is triggered. My child part however does not want adult me it wants T or someone else. It has always been us doing everything alone and suffering alone.

This.

But then, I have yet to learn how NOT to be alone. Even when someone does try to help, I have trouble letting them.

This is important insight.

My husband didn't want his therapist to meet his unmet needs and longings; instead, I was the person he was wanting that from. For years, no matter how much I was always there for him, it was as if at times he couldn't recognize it. His expectation was that I wouldn't; therefore, he only was able to see what he expected instead of what was right in front of him.

Our therapists helped me see that I couldn't, no matter how dedicated and loving I am, ever truly fill that missing part for him because that missing part wasn't about me - it was about his childhood. I had to learn to stop actually trying to be for him what I could never be, and he had to learn to acknowledge and recognize what I WAS doing and what I couldn't be for him.

With those healthier emotional boundaries, he learned to simply talk to me about what he was feeling instead of expecting me to fix what he was lacking, and I learned to not try to be what I couldn't be for him--and vice versa. We have a 34 year marriage, and understanding we cannot possibly fill or fix what happened or didn't happen to each other in our childhoods -- all we can do is listen, validate, and support -- has finally created a much healthier relationship.

I think therapists already know they can't "be" that missing part, and it takes work and processing for clients to find out how to share what they are missing, honor that wound, and figure out how to function without that expectation that someone else can fill that wound all these years later.

For me, the problem is not the expectation that somebody else can fill the wound, but the knowledge that my attachment wounds are permanent and will always cause me pain. Showing compassion or whatever to myself has for the most part not helped me. In fact, that makes everything more painful because then I feel sad for myself, which in turn leads me to

I keep telling myself that L is not the one who has caused me this pain. Yes, our relationship triggered it, but my pain comes from my past. I still don't understand why she can't do certain things (i.e. sit next to me and let me cry on her shoulder). Somethings are so close to what she allows already, so I don't understand why a line is being drawn.

This week has been emotionally exhausting for me. Today, I've gone numb. L says I've dropped below my window of tolerance: I feel dizzy and cold as well as the numbness. This week I was very suicidal over all of this pain, so being numb is sort of a blessing. We had a good session today. We talked about my neurology appointment instead of all of this heavy stuff. It was nice to have a break.

The thing with these kind of longings is, that after you are finally in peace with yourself and your inner child and have freely prosessed in therapy those longings and what you were once left without, they cease to exist. I remember wishing so bad that my T would tug me in. And now the idea makes me laugh a bit. I really don't want her (or anyone) to tug me in bed or treat me as a child anymore. But once I did.

I've been thru this Transference fear and frustration, too and still working on it. Even if T's can't ethically give you all you need, it doesn't help to be told the hard facts like, nobody will ever be able to make up for the love you didn't get as a child. It also doesn't help to say that you should be your own good parent. And advice to just find some good friends is so painful when you aren't ready for that and there is nobody like T out there anyway!
What is good therapy is for T to let you SAY what you want and what you miss. Saying it out loud is what will gradually help. Cutting the patient off at the door with the Hard Truth is sure to just break my heart again with no good therapy in it. Or make be shut my mouth about it or go to someone else.
It helped me to read up on the "boundaries" therapists set and why they won't be physical enough with me. What did help a lot was to feel safe to tell T any love and need I had for her without being preached at. Even tho this isn't too great advice I give, I have found that talk, talk, talkity talk to T is what builds strength inside,, even tho is so painful T has the stinkin boundaries.
Moxie-Doxie I think you did right to go back to T you love and try to do therapy with him, even tho he is so enraging.

My T surprised me last week. He actually spend the week reading up on IFS after 2 years of me referring to it because my x-T used it. He said after reading he feels it is the best model for therapy out there. He tried using what he learned in session. I was really flattered that he is willing to give something else a try since his preferred modality was simply not working. It shows he actually cares about me.

I can relate to this and I think this is one of those situations in therapy and counseling which isn't enough talked about.

For me it becomes both a longing for a mother figure like in a role of a little child but also a longing to be part of my counselor's family. The more adult side of me envy her family life and I also get into thoughts about her sex life. Which I don't know anything about but I do know she's married.

My counselor isn't a therapist and by that I know she doesn't understand the concept of transference and I wouldn't try to mention any of my thoughts to her.

After much experience I would say it's rare to find a therapist who really knows how to work through transference, who can cope with the feelings the client evokes, who can wait for all the feelings to be worked out.

I think many therapists themselves feel for their clients and that it easily becomes like a "kind of friendship" where both parties like each other on a human level.

It's very easy to become a bit too close, and I then don't mean in a romantic or sexual way, to share mutual experiences and then when the client talks about the need for nurturing or a hug, the therapist suddenly realises the relationship has gone too far in a direction he/she can't handle.

I don't really have any simple or straightforward answer to your post but wanted to share my thoughts.

My current contact with my counselor is far beyond boundaries in that way that we talk like friends or colleagues and the day she can't continue with me I'll feel like I've lost a friend. Several reasons make me stay with her but I know how bad it all can end.

I’ve been meaning to reply to this for a while, because I FEEL like I have a lot to say (and because I relate to pretty much every post) but I’ve actually realised that I’m struggling with expressing how I feel.

I don’t know how talking about unmet needs with someone who your emotional brain recognises as a potential fulfiller of those needs helps. In fact, I think my emotional (child) brain sees my T as the only one who can fulfil those needs. The other side of me knows this can’t happen, at least not in the way I want it to happen. But still, I guess something happens in my brain, on a chemical level maybe, that triggers a warm fuzzy response whenever he bends his boundaries for me. Sessions that run over; “too much” self disclosure; non-therapy related outside contact initiated by T; compliments; even the tiny bit of unconscious flirting he does (which is weird because most times I long for him as if he is a parent). All of these things get to to feel as though some of those needs from long ago are being acknowledged and met. And then there’s the more concrete stuff, like the fact that he’s still here, that he hasn’t abandoned me, that he’s treated me with respect and kindness, that he’s interested in me as a person, that he pays attention. All of these things do SOMETHING to those unmet needs, but I’m not sure what that SOMETHING actually is.

I’ve reached a point now where I am fully aware of how deep i managed you crawl into all of this. And how dangerous it seems to me. I genuinely think I love him (and the warm SOMETHING that he triggers in me) so much that I would die if I were to lose him before I’m ready. I’m not even exaggerating, I genuinely feel like every cell in my body would shrivel up and die. And it terrifies me that he has this sort of power over me because...ahhhh!!!!! Does this feeling get better? Is it something to be worked through? Does it need time? I genuinely have no idea; I read that it needs time etc, but did the journals/articles assume it’s this intense?

I didn’t go into therapy thinking this would happen. I didn’t mean to make him the centre of my ****ing existence. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it feels so dangerous I feel like I could crumble. I feel like someone is pointing a gun at my heart most of the time, but I can’t walk away because I’m in love with this feeling. Maybe this is what working through unmet needs is meant to feel like? I can only hope it gets less intense, because if it doesn’t, this whole process has the potential to do more harm than good and I’m absolutely terrified of the person I could become if this were to happen. I feel like I have no control over what is going to happen, I ca just wait for things to happen to me.

Merope, I totally understand your feelings. I had very similar feelings about my long term T. When people mentioned she was a maternal figure in my life, I always scoffed at that because I had an amazing mother who died way to young and when my children were younger. So in my mind she was an aunt. We had a lot of poll outside contact. She gave maternal advice on child rearing, taking care of physical issues, and gave really warm hugs. I sometimes thought about quitting because of intensity of my feelings for her because I often needed and received her reassurance. The idea of her retiring or moving away scared me. I even started with a second therapist for trauma in hopes of being cured so when long term T did stop working I would never need therapy again because I could never imagine working with anyone after her. I knew nobody would be like her.
I never told her this was why I was seeing the second person just that I thought she could help with trauma so we could work on other things. I also am pretty certain we would have some contact after she retired.

She told my second T about how she played a maternal roll in my life. She filled in and helped meet the needs that I longed for after my moms passing.

As often happens in life, nothing went as plan and long term T was taken from me very suddenly. I literally thought my life came crashing down. I couldnt imagine not finishing my work with her or ever again. Here we are 2 1/2 years later and it is still very painful and I still have days where I am in disbelief over it all. I am alive and making progress with my second T and sometimes that progress is backing up so I can process the grief and know that I do not need that maternal person in my life. Also, that it is okay to trust and depend on current T.

I worry sometimes that L is crossing boundaries with me. She plays into my fantasies, gives me love and touch, discloses little bits of information about herself. That's just some of the things that seem to meet some of the longings. It's also that she allows so much contact, she mirrors with me, she listens to me and seems to really get me, she doesn't punish me, and she says it's her intention to not leave me. Also, because of my request, she never uses the word promise. Even with all of that, I still have unmet needs. (Please don't judge L for this. I'm only putting it out there so maybe others can relate).

This week the longings have been about simple being with her in-person. The back and forth between video and in-person is killing me. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. And H is making me reduce down to once a week come December. I feel panicked. I feel like he's taking her away from me. He says he's not and it's only because of financial reasons. L says we will work something out even if it mean reduced fees. I hate not paying her her full fee. I also tried talking to my dad about it. His advice: prioritize, focus on future, get over the past. Gee dad, I wonder why I have longings: a dad who was absent and a mom who hated me.

I'm pretty sure that's why I have maternal transference. I never intended to get attached to L, but it happened right away. I tried to work it through with T before she went on maternity leave, but it was too late. I've become so attached to L, that I decided to not go back to T when she returned.

Thank you all for your replies. I totally relate. I feel sad that others are struggling with this, but am also glad to not be alone.