[KLL85]

So I created a thread a few days ago about whether to try a male T again. I decided to go ahead and book an initial session and at the same time asked him if he would answer some questions about his experience, training etc that I had as I was concerned his expertise wasn’t necessarily in the areas that I need help with. He replied first thing on Thursday morning saying that would try his best to get back to me before the end of the day but if not then it would definitely be before the weekend.
It is now Sunday morning and I’ve still not heard from him. I feel like he’s already gone back on what he has said and already I’m doubting if he can be trusted. However I am aware that my issues around trusting anyone may be making me over react.
What do I do, send another email reminding him but I’m worried that comes across as needy and paranoid (which I guess I am ) or just leave it until the first appointment? Or do I just cancel with him altogether?

[*Beth*]

This early on, I would be inclined to cancel and move on to someone else.

[Pennster]

I don’t think it would be at all needy to send a follow up. I don’t know what you should do about choosing to see him again, but I would probably be inclined to send a follow up, and determine from that reply how to proceed. Though I realize it’s very stressful with a new person, so I think it would be reasonable of you to cancel if that’s what you felt like doing.

My therapist is really great but he sucks at replying to emails or texts, and I often have to remind him. I don’t mind, partly because I also often forget to answer people! And also he’s an excellent therapist despite this flaw.

I am sorry that this is happening though, and I wish for you that he would have just responded in good time!

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd also go ahead and send a followup. At this point, you have nothing to lose in doing so. He could have had something come up in his personal life, been sick, etc. Or maybe he wanted to take time to reply in great detail but hasn't yet found uninterrupted time (with the pandemic, and my daughter and H being home all the time, it's more difficult for me to find time to get work done, for example). I would follow up and give him another chance to respond. Also, when is the session you booked?

[nottrustin]

Based on my experience, in the past I would have run. However, I learned from my current T things can be totally not what we first assume. So I would reach out one more time.

[KLL85]

The appointment is on Tuesday so I’ll give him until the end of today and then make a decision whether to email him again. I guess I am weary of emailing in case he doesn’t reply again and that will trigger my rejection issues. And I just feel like I will seem like the needy demanding client and he will want to get rid of me before we even start! Trying to be rational and recognise these are my issues and I’m projecting but easier said than done!

[Fuzzybear]

I would email again also. I don't think that would make you ''needy''... I also learnt the other day that sometimes I assume a negative from a (new T) which isn't there.

I wouldn't email again and I wouldn't attend the session. I wouldn't be bothered with the hassle of it all, I would want the start of the relationship to be sure and clean.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I wouldn't email again and I wouldn't attend the session. I wouldn't be bothered with the hassle of it all, I would want the start of the relationship to be sure and clean.

This is exactly what I’m struggling with. I think I would feel like the relationship would already be on the back foot before it’s even started. I think I need a therapist to show commitment and trust right from the very first contact if It’s to succeed and although he may have a very valid excuse doesn’t stop my emotional response. And do I really want to have to be dealing with that before I’ve even met him?!

[LostOnTheTrail]

Any potential new T should show respect for your time, and theirs.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'd still give him a chance, and send a reminder email.

I sometimes have to send reminder emails to L. It's not that she doesn't read my emails or want to reply. Sometimes she just forgets due to circumstances.

With T, she double booked my very first session with her and askes me to reschedule!!! I was pissed and upset. I called some of my supports, and they convinced me to give her another chance. I'm so glad I did. I think I worked with her for 4 years? (My memory sucks). Next to L, she's the best therapist I've had. I only left her because she went on maternity leave, but I still email her every month and she's told me she's there if I ever want to come back.

So that's why I say, give him a chance.

[Salmon77]

Honestly I wouldn't want to work with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do, or at least let you know if their plans changed or something.

[InnerPeace111]

I’d give him another chance.

[KLL85]

So I emailed him late afternoon yesterday, just asking if he could get back to me before the session so I can make a decision as to whether I think we would be able to work together and no reply as yet. Appointment is tomorrow so I’ll give him until early evening before cancelling.
Why is it so many therapists are complete tw@ts, I can’t believe it’s so difficult to find someone decent.

[LonesomeTonight]

Some T's don't look at email on weekends, so hopefully he'll get back to you today.

[KLL85]

So he’s replied. He apparently forgot he hadn’t replied and deleted my email. He has also refused to answer two of my questions - why did he want to become a therapist and does he have any past client reviews. First one was because of his professional boundaries and second one was because of client confidentiality. He finished his email stating that if we choose to work together then he will not accept his boundaries being compromised and just to bear that in mind with any future questions. I feel like I have been told off!! Think it’s time to cancel and yet again start searching

[Flinders40]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Honestly I wouldn't want to work with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do, or at least let you know if their plans changed or something.

I agree. You already have some questionable vibes with this guy and have spent the last few days questioning yourself. In my opinion that’s a red flag to keep looking.

[Flinders40]

Originally Posted by KLL85

So he’s replied. He apparently forgot he hadn’t replied and deleted my email. He has also refused to answer two of my questions - why did he want to become a therapist and does he have any past client reviews. First one was because of his professional boundaries and second one was because of client confidentiality. He finished his email stating that if we choose to work together then he will not accept his boundaries being compromised and just to bear that in mind with any future questions. I feel like I have been told off!! Think it’s time to cancel and yet again start searching

Excuse my language - but dump this pompous a-hole. Those are standard questions and you have EVERY right to ask them. You’ve apparently dodged a bullet .

[SlumberKitty]

I certainly don't like the way he worded the reply.

[LonesomeTonight]

Ugh, yeah, it does sound like you need to keep searching. I feel like "Why did you become a therapist?" is a pretty common, basic question. I don't see that being a boundary compromise at all. He just sounds too defensive and closed off.

I will say that my current T was pretty closed off with boundaries early on--like I could have seen him writing a similar email. I think of an early one where he talked about why clients need to refer to him as Dr. [last name] and not [first name]--when I was actually asking why he referred to my marriage counselor that way, when I referenced him by his first name (not about him at all). And some of those boundaries caused major conflicts at times and put a big strain on the relationship. He has eventually come to relax them quite a bit, like he seems like a completely different T now. But that was over the course of 3 years, which is a long time. So I think you're making the right choice to cancel.

[nottrustin]

I would cancel. I can understand not being able to provide reviews because of confidentiality reason. I have asked my therapists why they bacame a therapist and in the very beginning they gave vague but acceptable answers. Like I was the person growing up who everyone went to for advice and was encourage by teachers or whatever to consider becoming a T. After working with my Ts for a while they gave more personal information.

The last part would totally have turned me off. He could have said I appreciate your questions but I would rather discuss them in person rather than over email. He handled it poorly.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

The last part would totally have turned me off. He could have said I appreciate your questions but I would rather discuss them in person rather than over email. He handled it poorly.

Yes, I agree. His boundaries were not "compromised" by you asking a question. AND he could have chosen to decline to answer in a much nicer way than he did. This is not somebody who is sturdy enough to do hard work, so you are wise to keep looking, especially if you have attachment trauma in your past.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Yes, I agree. His boundaries were not "compromised" by you asking a question. AND he could have chosen to decline to answer in a much nicer way than he did. This is not somebody who is sturdy enough to do hard work, so you are wise to keep looking, especially if you have attachment trauma in your past.

Yeah massive attachment trauma which is one of the biggest things that I need help with.
I’m just so demoralised, I feel like I’m never going to find someone who I connect with and who is also capable of really helping me.

[Flinders40]

I know it’s frustrating, but please keep looking. I went through more than a dozen therapists before I found mine. And don’t be afraid to trust your guy early on - it can save you a lot of grief.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with the others. Questions are not violating boundaries. It sounds like he has his own issues that need to be worked on. I'd cancel. You don't need someone like that.