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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert of my soul
Posts: 7,526
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#761
Thanks for today, most especially for answering my question (I liked that I was able to just straight-up ask it without any hemming and hawing). Also I very much liked your response to my dream.
Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Jan 29, 2021 at 06:06 PM.. |
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LonesomeTonight, Lostislost
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
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#762
I. HAVE. HAD. ENOUGH.
There. I said it. |
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Anonymous46689, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, Polibeth
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert of my soul
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#763
Hey L! So I started that Active after I got home that we had talked about yest, and then finished it just before I fully woke up this morning in that liminal space between asleep and awake that I am becoming more adept at utilizing. And afterwards as I got up, got dressed for the day and was making my tea I realized what exactly Active Imagination is - it's a way to access the stuff that we know deep down inside; the very stuff that ego likes to parade around in front of acting like we don't know!! I got some good stuff this morning, my dearest t, some real good stuff and I look forward to sharing it with you next week.
And, I remain ever grateful to you for so much, not the least of which is teaching me this particular technique. Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Jan 30, 2021 at 09:30 AM.. |
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LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
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#764
That was the important word yesterday, you know. Not "want" or "need" but "can". The realization that I CAN.
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LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
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#765
And. And! I am glad we scheduled for next week because of how much came out of this latest Active. Also, I think it's good idea to give myself a week to settle into the other thing we talked about. So far it still feels right but we'll see where I'm at with it next Friday. Thank you.
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LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#766
I started liking you when I started my transition. Before that you were just a normal therapist like any other one I’ve had and I was not clingy. Weird how different things are now. I keep going back to my sleep study of 2019 and not caring at the time if you were concerned about me. I just was focused on the sleep study and trying to figure out myself what was wrong. Now if I did a sleep study I’d be wondering nonstop if you would be worried and concerned about me.
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#767
Well its been quit sometime, and finally got the authorization and ready to resume therapy regularly, but what i cant tell you is that the emotional toll of all that prior has me totally shutdown and still the feeling of apathetic lingers. started gambling so far like 3 times playing lottery and tonight i am drinking. I think about what to say to you and really have nothing. its not you of course but its where I am at. things have been relatively the same since and I know I have not written you since Jan 8 or 9th. its not to say things are awesome but rather I am in the pathetic mood, that talking to you and opening up things just to have it closed til next week sucks, prior it was month and waiting 30 days was ****ing hell. I just am not able to do that anymore. I am sure there is a part of me that cares to talk but I have no idea where she is. You did not care to write to my many emails so I stopped. it hurts and I will not tell you that. sure you would turn it into some attachement thing and really if or not that it doesnt matter. I just do not want to talk about it anymore.
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
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#768
Dear T,
OK, I sort of lied about one thing in that email, but it's Saturday night, I can't bother you now, beyond the emails I already sent. I can't risk the rupture. Love, LT |
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#769
T, I'm exhausted. This too shall pass.
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LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
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Location: In the desert of my soul
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#770
aww, thanks for the link to info about the vaccine for H. if i hadn't already had 2 glasses of wine, i might not have responded with the teaser about the Active I did hee hee I'm terrible aren't I?
p.s. H and I are watching wonder woman (the 2017 movie, not the newer one) and he's all I don't know why you think she's so hot, I guess I don't like dark haired women. i'm like dude look at her. she's a beautiful badass! haha |
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
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#771
Dear T,
I feel like I manipulated you into fitting me into your schedule today. But I think in reality, it's that I generally didn't get my emotional needs met as a child. So if I do get those needs met, like by you, I feel like it must have been via manipulation. Not just, say, you caring about your clients and your realizing that I must not be doing OK if I kept pushing for a session. It does bother me that you mentioned how many of your clients are struggling right now. It felt like you were trying to remind me of what our relationship really is. Even though I think you were just trying to explain lack of openings and also make me feel less alone. I don't know whether to mention that to you? But it felt like a parent saying "These siblings need help instead more than you right now." I don't know how to explain that to you though, because you don't really believe in the transference thing. Maybe it's not a transference thing though, maybe it's just feeling like you were picking them over me? And now you chose me, too. And I know I should be incredibly grateful that you work Sundays and allow earlier sessions. And I am. But I'm also rather spoiled because you tend to give me what I ask for. So this time, when you initially didn't, it hurt more, because I've become used to it. Which..."maybe it's your fault" seems harsh, but you built up expectations in a way. And recently you mentioned being able to accommodate me when I needed more (though I'd understand if that didn't include Sundays). Anyway, thank you, and I hope today's session helps and you maybe understand better why I needed it after I talk to you. Love, LT |
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ArtieTheSequal, Mountaindewed
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Mountaindewed, Quietmind 2
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#772
I watched that Vanderpump Rules TV show you tell me about. I watched 10 minutes of it and I was like “wtf?” All they do is heavily drink, make out, and take their clothes off. I’m slightly uncomfortable you are telling me you watch this kind of stuff. I have boundaries too. Not just you.
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LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
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#773
Quote:
Hope it's OK to reply, but I think I'd react similarly if I learned my T watched that! Did your T actually recommend it to you? |
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Mountaindewed
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Mountaindewed
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Always in This Twilight
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#774
Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. And for adding an hour to your Sunday workday to see me (even if it wasn't a "crisis," just me really struggling). Though I think the most meaningful thing was, when I confirmed via text I was keeping tomorrow, you replied with a thanks then, "Happy Birthday 2u." It's such a little thing, but it meant something. Love you, LT |
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Lemoncake, Mountaindewed
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#775
No she didn’t recommend it. But she didn’t tell me I shouldn’t be watching it or that it was inappropriate. She’s talked about it a few times including last Tuesday and I was just curious what the show was like.
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LonesomeTonight
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#776
Not sure what you would say, but started smoking CBD, drinking a beer and so much have been having coming and going thougths of self harm. And yet, right now, I am not in that place. But i kinda wish I was. its like I am looking through a window and can see it all and so want to be a part of it. and yet this is so not me. see you thursday. what will i say ? what will I actually tell you? probably nothing. .....
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert of my soul
Posts: 7,526
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#777
Hey L. I am kinda proud of myself this morning, I went to bed early last night (like really early) because I was coming down with the cold that is full-blown this morning, and of course that meant I woke up super early this morning. I paced the house for a bit, then took a hot shower, then tried to go back to sleep but ended up with so much going around in my head I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. But I calmed myself down, by taking some deep breaths and connecting with that internalized version of you that I told you about the other day, I swear once I did I heard your voice so clearly saying "See, Artie, this version of me is here whenever you need." Now I'm up, got ready for work, and cooked myself a yummy hot breakfast. Go me.
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Lemoncake, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Poohbah
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave
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#778
Dear T, hold steady please. This is huge for me.
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Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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#779
I didn’t really think about you today. I was busy using the coping skills on my safety plan. And now I’m just thinking about the session and how it will go. I have an email sent just to myself about what went on this week and how I’ve felt everyday. I think you’ll be happy that I had urges a couple night but I didn’t act on them. I used rationalizing and deep breathing. One particular night I was really happy that I was able to rationalize a thought so well. So yeah I’ve been handling things better. I just hope my stomach doesn’t hurt the way it does now.
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#780
Intrusive thoughts are back. It's been a while and I'm not sure what's triggered it. My dreams are all over the place too. The odd lovely one then nights of horrific ones and full on night terrors. I struggle to sleep at the best of times but this is draining the life outta me. Admittedly one part of me just wants to utch up with my head on your chest for some quiet time, but mostly i wish we could continue working together. At least then the dreams were less extreme and felt ike they served some purpose.
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LonesomeTonight
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