Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

T, I'm hurting and what does it even matter. So if I do show up this week then what? You watch another client crying during this time. What's the purpose of that. What a joke. There is so much going on now. Perhaps it's best to stuff it back inside, survive and make it through. It's too much! Her diagnosis, his cancer changes, his death anniversary, my many issues past and developing. Now these problems with you, really? Yep, waaah waah wahh, woe is me. But really what's the point.

To old T: so far things are going well with forgetting you. It’s been easier today. Even though I’m writing this right now. I don’t feel that deep aching feeling I felt during the week. If I don’t feel that then I’m getting better.

I still ate an Aero candy bar today because of you but I didn’t drink the tea.

Okay, tomorrow's Monday. So please be back at work.

Dear T,

Really anxious about tomorrow with D returning to school. Kinda wish I was seeing you at like 9:30 instead of 12:30, but maybe it's better that it's the middle of the day.

Love,
LT

...............

I'm sorry you're burning out and can't work as much as earlier, but seeing you once a month or less frequently is not enough, especially because I'm just checked out of a psych yard. What shall we do?

I’m pretty sure you are going to wonder how today went with the new T. I don’t think I’ll be pushed out of your mind that soon. Even though that’s what I’m trying to do with you.

I think I'll be bringing my tree sketch to show you on Friday, because this morning when I look at it I see anxiety and sadness in it. Huh. That's not where I was at when I was drawing it, so let's talk about that a little. Mostly though I will be approaching my session with an attitude of curiosity regarding that stuff you said on 2/19 that I didn't much like at the time. I have questions and want to learn!

I can’t wait to see you this week!

Nicely timed cancellation, you cankerous old todgeweed.

Thanks a lot for yet another 3-hours-prior-to-session cancellation. Go **** yourself.

Seems like they are all at it. Absolute horrors, the lot of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo Seems like they are all at it. Absolute horrors, the lot of them.

I'm sorry, c. Seems so, doesn't it

You said twice that you are excited to work with me. I am a pretty interesting “case” to most therapists. I look forward to meeting with you too. I’m so glad you do in office sessions. I was scared to ask but glad I did.

Also old T wtf? You said you’d call new T last Thursday and I was confused for several minutes wondering if you had talked to her until I found out you hadn’t. Seems like a bit of a ****** thing to do to me honestly.

Dear T: I'm mad at you. You've messed with my head. I hate you right now. Kit

I hope you're ashamed and your face turns red when you read my email. I hope you understand why I'm so hurt. And I hope like hell you don't cancel tomorrow, too!

So I printed out the worksheets from that book. 27 pages of them, zoiks! I'm on page 46 and am reading about anxious attachment styles right now. Her descriptions sound a lot like me. Especially where she says "women with an anxious attachment style are commonly overwhelmed with emotions (particularly worry) and fear of being abandoned or forgotten".

I have a question for you. Why am I still so screwed up 9+ years into therapy?!?!?!

And why has it taken me 9+ years to ask this question?

Hi T. Just wanted to pop in and say that I appreciate you. You keep trying and refuse to give up on me. It means a lot.

It's about 21 months since our last session and i still miss you and therapy. Do you ever think of me? I mean other than the couple of times i made brief contact. I'd be curious to know if you feel / felt a sense of closure or not seeings though we argreed the work was unfinished. I could have really done with having you around last couple years.

T, please reply to my emails. Non stop flashbacks are awful.

I like that you smile and actually show emotion instead of being a blank slate robot. I swear it almost seems like it’s company policy at my other place that no one can show emotion. I have never in my 2 years of seeing my Pdoc seen him even crack half a smile.

We need to pick up the thread you came to at the end of last session, about the way in which my experience has shaped my beliefs on anger. Also, I'm getting my first dose of vaccine tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

Dear Info,

I finally agree to try EMDR again with you, a therapy I have serious difficulty with since it involves letting you get way too close physically and psychologically, as you saw last time, and now you’re losing things all over the place, so how can I rely on you in EMDR?

ATAT

Dear T,
Thanks for being understanding and accepting today as I talked about transference and your new wearing of the wedding ring and such. And for your warm email reply confirming that you're OK with it all. You seem like a completely different T from a couple years ago. I have to wonder how much I influenced that, made you see things differently? Or maybe it was mostly the pandemic, though I really think things shifted after I left then returned in fall 2019. I'm glad I didn't give up on you. Don't make me regret that!
Love,

LT