Terrible third session

I found a new T. The first two sessions went quite well, I was emotional in both and cried a little, which felt like a real release. The T asked a few odd questions, but I generally felt that I liked her. The T set me some homework in the second session, she suggested I journal (which I do anyway), and also that I write a letter to my mum. I was ambivalent about doing this, and also about being given homework, though I agreed to it. I started the letter, but didn’t finish it. Before the session I prepared some emotional stuff that I wanted to talk about. At the start of the session the T asked me about the homework, I told her I’d started it, I didn’t want to tell her that I was ambivalent about being given homework, as I didn’t want any conflict when I’ve just seeing her,, when I don’t really know her. She asked me persistent questions about it, and said: ‘ I need to know how you feel about it’. I ended up saying something about power in the therapeutic relationship, which she didn’t respond to. After about 10-15 minutes of talking about it she again said I need to know how you feel, I said I feel that you are directing the session, there are other things that I want to talk about. The T said: ‘ you need to think about whether I’m the right T for you’. This shocked me, as I felt we were just getting to know each other, and I expect that we would be able to have discussions about how we will work together. The T said, I’m not directing, I’m a non directive therapist, you don’t have to answer the questions I answer (if I could go back in time I would have said ‘it’s hard not to answer a question when you start it with It ‘I need to know’.. She also said that she had asked about the homework for continuity with the last session as this had been an important thing from the last session. If I could go back, I’d point out that this was what was important to her from the last session, but not what was important to me, what was important to me was the emotional side to it. She made this all into a huge issue, and we carried on talking about it, to my frustration. After 40 minutes of a conversation about this there was a lull and an opportunity for me to talk about what I wanted to, but it felt hard to, which I voiced and we talked a bit more about the questions she’d asked me. At the 50 minute mark I started telling her about the emotional stuff I wanted to talk about, and the T said, we can have a longer session today if you want (I don’t know if she was feeling remorse and suddenly felt that she had, after all, been leading the session), I said I’d rather stick to the hour. Afterwards I emailed her to say that I wasn’t going to continue. She replied: ‘I understand’. I wonder what on earth her understanding of the session was. I had such high hopes as I really liked her website. That was a waste of time and money.

Yikes. It can definitely take some shopping to find the right T for your own needs. Good to know this wasn't the one, perhaps?

I do think you're going about finding your T the right way. You're taking what you need into the session, which is perfect for finding out the T that will work in a way that suits your needs and expectations.

Your T still awaits you!

Ugh, sounds like the right decision to not continue with her. Hope you can find someone who's a better fit!

That sounds exhausting. It sounds like absolutely the right decision not to continue with her. She probably meant well but the fact you felt unable to talk about what you really wanted to and felt pressured into talking about the homework aren't good signs. She may identify as non directive but she was, perhaps inadvertently, directing you and making you feel uncomfortable as a result. From her response to your email it sounds like on some level she was aware that her approach wasn't right for you and was accepting your decision. Such a shame that the first two sessions felt so helpful but sometimes it's just impossible to know early on and it's good that you're clear on this now and can find someone more suited to what you need.

It's a good thing you found out early on. For a therapist to say she may not be the right therapist for you - how awful! So she's the type who will keep threatening abandonment? No, no, no...you will find a much better T. You had courage when you chose not to continue with that one.

So sorry she seem to push you and not understand where you where at. It takes time to build trust. Homework should be something that you should never feel bad at for getting it done, sometimes I have a hard time finishing the assignment that my t gives me and she always has met where im at. There are better therapist out there that are way more understanding.

Thanks, it did feel awful when she said that. It felt like she was saying that if I didn’t like how she worked I should quit. That’s never been my approach as a client, I always try and talk about it.

Thanks, it felt exactly that, like she was pushing me to talk about my feelings about the homework, and I didn’t feel like I had enough trust in her yet to discuss it. She wouldn’t let it go.

I tend to get annoyed when I hear therapists insisting on homework. It is not right for everyone and should not be a prerequisite for therapy.

This T wasn’t exactly insisting on it, what she insisted on was a discussion about my ambivalence towards it, when I wanted to talk about other things.

If she expects clients to do homework and that's not what you want to do, it certainly makes sense to go elsewhere.