[confusedbyself]

I posted a couple days ago but asked it to be removed cause I did to many personal details and was afraid my T might browse threads and see what is happening in me and I don't want that either.

I am struggling so so hard right now. I have tried extra meds to sleep for last couple days but not my head and body hurt so bad I don't want to take more. Yes, it's bad enough that I went to the place we don't talk about when someone called and I was able to stop it yesterday. I just feel like I lost the only person I ever felt cared about me and he said that it would never happen but it is my fault that it has and I feel like I am continually dying inside every second and can't stop it.

On his defense, he had surgery last week and is in recovery for several weeks but he said that he would be sending texts to help me get through the time because he cared about me and didn't want me to have to deal with the entire time alone. We have both already learned I have a horrible ptsd trigger when things change and every ounce of me knows that anything safe and good is being lost. A few days into the recovery he sent a text and I was SOOOOO excited. My phone couldn't open fast enough to read it but then the text said hi and he would be texting when and if he had a chance. I knew immediately that meant that what he said was going to happen changed and I see now that I panicked and went down deep and texted panicking back and then added more meds to stop the pain and I think I texted a couple of times, I don't even remember. Now yesterday I think he sent a text saying he is taking the recovery time for himself and won't be contacting at all now until he goes back to work.

I know this is reasonable for a therapist but to me it changes everything including the fact that he said before that he cared and understood how hard it would be for me with my past and that's why he set up the plan but now everything tells me he doesn't really care so it meant nothing to him to just take it all away for weeks knowing I am completely alone and terrified in my life. He was the only human contact I really had with anyone and I am struggling so hard and am not handling the seconds right now. I want more meds to sleep and forget more but my head and body hurt so bad from laying in the bed and the meds aren't helping the sleep stay so well now.

I didn't know what else to do except try to come back here where people might understand.

That's so painful and I am sorry you are going through this. It can be very painful when we need our T's and they are not available. Even though it probably doesn't feel like it, things will get better as all things change and these intense feelings will as well.

It can be so hard when T's need time away to take care of themselves. Has T been someone to rely on in the past? Is it like them to not follow through or could it be your T really needs more time then they initially thought to recover?

Did your T leave contact information for someone else you can talk to just during this time?

[confusedbyself]

He has made plans to help and changed them in the past and it has always been so hard cause I just panic when he does and he knew. He knew that happens and that's why he set up the texts but I was bad and text several times when his text sounded like he was changing it again so he took it all away now and said he will talk when he goes back to office and just left me alone

[ArtleyWilkins]

He's had surgery, and probably underestimated the difficulty of the recovery. His intentions were good; the reality was different. Try to remember, this change is really not about anything negative toward you -- it is about your therapist taking care of his medical recovery. I'm sorry it is a difficult time for you. What can you do for you that can help you cope with this time in a healthy way?

[KLL85]

Therapists can only do the best for their clients by looking after themselves and putting themselves first. He is practising self care which he needs to do so that in the future he can continue to be a good therapist.
Yes it’s painful and it hurts, but we can’t expect our therapists to always be on call 24/7.
He probably underestimated how hard his recovery was going to be which is why he had to change what he had said.
I think the important thing is not to focus on how abandoned and hurt you feel but how you can also practise some self care and help to look after yourself whilst your T is not accessible.

[*Beth*]

I can well understand how awful you feel. The thing is, I am sure your T's change of plan is not about you, at all. Surely he had the surgery and is not feeling as well as he'd hoped he might. Be patient. Give him the chance to heal and he'll be back 100%!

[confusedbyself]

Thank you guys but I am sure the change WAS about me because I got scared and sent several texts about not leaving me alone and that's when he stopped it all. I am so struggling so bad

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by confusedbyself

Thank you guys but I am sure the change WAS about me because I got scared and sent several texts about not leaving me alone and that's when he stopped it all. I am so struggling so bad

No, that doesn't mean it's about you at all. It means he needs some self-care time. Your therapist, like all of ours, is just a human being. Have you ever had surgery? If you have, you know how important it is to recover properly.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by confusedbyself

Thank you guys but I am sure the change WAS about me because I got scared and sent several texts about not leaving me alone and that's when he stopped it all. I am so struggling so bad

It's okay. It will be okay.
You weren't "bad". You were triggered. The unexpected change in him texting caused a trigger (intense emotions related to the past) and those little ones were *scared*. It came from a very young and scared place, and you were did the best you could with that at the time. I hope you can have some compassion for you around this. You were just scared. And scared is completely different to "bad".
T also will know that you were scared rather than "bad'. Helping those scared parts will be something to work on sometime during the course of your therapy with him. You can talk about it when he returns, or much later in therapy, or not at all. That will be up to the two of you.
But right now, he just needs to focus solely on his recovery. He could have had surgery complications or anything. He could be in a lot of pain and find it hard to focus right now. So he has set that boundary about no texting until he comes back. That doesn't = you being "bad". It = him needing to set limits on what he can and can't do right now. And right now he can't manage texting. Physically, emotionally, mentally or whatever - he is sub-par and can't do it at the moment.
But he will be back when he is recovered and he will see you again then .
He will.

[stopdog]

I don't think it is a problem that you are upset by this. You get to be upset. It won't change anything, but there is no reason you don't get to feel pissed off or whatever by it

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think it is a problem that you are upset by this. You get to be upset. It won't change anything, but there is no reason you don't get to feel pissed off or whatever by it

Good point.