[MoxieDoxie]

Has anyone done that? Saw a different T for a bit to help them deal with or help them with the painful transference they have with the T they are seeing now?

[JustExisting]

I did.

I was doing narrative therapy and came to a really traumatic story about something like sexual abuse (It is complicated), and I was really confused about my feelings, almost didnt feel entitled to feeling traumatized so I was really trepidatious about talking about it.

The response I got from him sent me the message that he did not think it was a big deal, and he was digging for me to lay bare EXACTLY how I felt about it. It felt almost like an accusation of being too sensitive.


I described that vaguely but just know this was an intense and humiliating experience.

Up until that moment I trusted him and felt validated, but I was suddenly traumatized and I was seriously considering never going back after that session.

So I consulted a counsellor on BetterHelp.com and she was very helpful in helping me sort through my perceptions, projections, and transference within the situation. It helped me see that my version of events at the very least wasn't the most likely, and it would be a shame to sever a great relationship on false info.

So I went back and worked up the courage to bring it up, and all was resolved. He had mistepped, I manifested my own fears, it was a perfect therapy storm.


The counsellor said it wasn't uncommon at all for people to seek therapy to help them deal with therapy. I think a lot of people use online therapists for this, even if they see a regular in person therapist.

[DP_2017]

No but I've heard of it happening. My worry would be that it would just keep cycling. You could try it.

[elisewin]

I have heard it happening here in this forum few times. I would not consider that myself.

I would bring up my feelings with the T I had feelings for. They are the material for therapy itself. It might take a long time and be difficult, but I would do that.

If I felt for a while that I would not get anywhere with the T I had, I would find another T to work with.

[Echos Myron redux]

I did it about 5 years ago when I had horrible painful transference with T1. I had meant to go for a short time, work the transference out and go back, but in the end I felt so much better with current T I stayed with him. It took a couple of years to develop, but the transference is just as strong with current T now, but he handles it much better and the whole thing is much better and more therapeutic.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by elisewin

I have heard it happening here in this forum few times. I would not consider that myself.

I would bring up my feelings with the T I had feelings for. They are the material for therapy itself. It might take a long time and be difficult, but I would do that.

If I felt for a while that I would not get anywhere with the T I had, I would find another T to work with.

I just want to answer this and explain why it is a good option for some people (including me, 5 years ago). My first therapist refused to talk about the transference (and obvious countertransference). He even went so far as to say "I don't believe in the concept of transference" when I tried to talk about it. (Later, when I cited this as a reason for leaving, he tried to backtrack and say he actually does believe in transference - too late).

But the nature of transference is such that "I would find another T to work with" doesn't feel like a viable option. The attachment is so strong it feels like life and death. I literally felt that losing him was losing everything. I had to go see another T, without terminating T1. If I hadn't done that, I never would have been in a position to leave him at all.

[elisewin]

I understand in a way how it can feel like that for some, but also it is hard to really understand it, because I have not experienced a situation staying in a non-helpful therapy. I have had strong feelings for T, but they have not overruled the question whether therapy was helpful or not and I have and would walk if not. But I never claimed feeling transference, just feelings.

[MoxieDoxie]

I have told him how I felt in emails, I have told him how I felt in session. He has never addressed it and just continues on with whatever we are working on. He is just not getting it. I know he has counter transference with me because he has giving me extra time in session like our last session he spent 90 mins with me. I read that is one of the signs of counter transference. He has now also changed his therapy style to being a pragmatic therapists. So that means he deals with problems in present day and what is causing them so I think. Like we spent the entire session on me revamping my business profile and calling myself and expert in a certain modality and charging double the price. When I protested my belief behind what and expert means and it did not pertain to me we spent the time on that.

Because of that session it made me feel like I was going to be a failure in his eyes if I did not take his advice and attempt to do what he said to do. That caused me so much turmoil. If I did not have that painful transference I might have taken that session as a stepping stone to improve myself but instead I feel like i have to live up to his expectations. So yeah this is were transference causes problems and I think any further healing is coming to a halt. I am so in deep with him and he knows all my issues that it is too scary to just stop and not go. It will feel like death and I do not want to feel all that.

[sarahsweets]

Do you think that there are some people more prone to transference than others? What I mean is you have issues with one therapist and start seeing a different one to help you through that but then develop the same problem with the new one? No judgement here. I have a friend who seemed to develop transference issues with all of her therapists and would switch them up in hopes of getting over one and then having the issue become a problem with the new one. I think it happened like 4 times with her.

[elisewin]

Does he seem helpful to you? You mentioned his style doesn't meet your needs. And he doesn't want to talk about things you want to. What is keeping you with him?

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Do you think that there are some people more prone to transference than others? What I mean is you have issues with one therapist and start seeing a different one to help you through that but then develop the same problem with the new one? No judgement here. I have a friend who seemed to develop transference issues with all of her therapists and would switch them up in hopes of getting over one and then having the issue become a problem with the new one. I think it happened like 4 times with her.

Yes I do as I with childhood trauma I have an attachment disorder and attach easily and quickly to therapists. I do have another T before this one that I did not attach to. He is just soo laid back, takes days to answer emails if at all, has a slow thought process trying to get his point across.....not really a good T for someone with trauma but was someone to talk out a daily work problem or something. I would never trust that he would know what to do if I ever dissociated or got triggered.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by elisewin

Does he seem helpful to you? You mentioned his style doesn't meet your needs. And he doesn't want to talk about things you want to. What is keeping you with him?

He recently just changed like last week. His first modality was ego state, then we did mapping the system, then he tried parts integration when he thought at one time I had DID, we have tried EMDR many times, and now he revamped his website and calls himself a pragmatic therapist and does not believe in forever therapy. So apparently he is changing his business model for some reason. IDK then again it can be my screwed perception.

I do not know what is going to help me anymore I just know it is painful emotionally to see and not have him in my life in some other capacity. Therapy is a messed up relationship.

[elisewin]

Maybe you really should start to find a new T who knows what s/he is doing while seeing this T and go from there. Maybe you will find one that feels more helpful during that process.

[SalingerEsme]

Your T sounds like he is struggling to know how to be your T . Spending 90 minutes to show extreme care yet ignoring your topic- which is your intense attachment(?). He wants to be useful and of service, and he takes you to a relatively impersonal part of life( but still important) and lavishes time. I kind of extrapolate the message that he might be trained as my T is trained- to show care to clients. patients, but don't talk about your feelings about them directly? I wouldn't even know that if my T hadn't made a mistake and written about my case on Reddit, and kind of broke the 4th wall between us.

I did go and see another T whose book I read and love; he is a Relational Pyschodynamic/ Psychoanalytic clinician. WOW, what a difference. There's non of that neutral stance or withholding personal information; it is more of a gentle quest that is co created.
.
I love my T and am so attached, but I see how his style/ theory of practice sustains my fears rather than heals them. Yet, like yours, he is loyal and puts in this real work with me.

I ended up realizing my T, whom I adore, is the right person for me working under the wrong theories .

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I have told him how I felt in emails, I have told him how I felt in session. He has never addressed it and just continues on with whatever we are working on. He is just not getting it. I know he has counter transference with me because he has giving me extra time in session like our last session he spent 90 mins with me. I read that is one of the signs of counter transference. He has now also changed his therapy style to being a pragmatic therapists. So that means he deals with problems in present day and what is causing them so I think. Like we spent the entire session on me revamping my business profile and calling myself and expert in a certain modality and charging double the price. When I protested my belief behind what and expert means and it did not pertain to me we spent the time on that.

Because of that session it made me feel like I was going to be a failure in his eyes if I did not take his advice and attempt to do what he said to do. That caused me so much turmoil. If I did not have that painful transference I might have taken that session as a stepping stone to improve myself but instead I feel like i have to live up to his expectations. So yeah this is were transference causes problems and I think any further healing is coming to a halt. I am so in deep with him and he knows all my issues that it is too scary to just stop and not go. It will feel like death and I do not want to feel all that.

I did.

Similar to a lot of posters here, I loved my therapist but the therapy experience was too much to handle.

Part of what I struggled the most with was getting my therapist to understand how unbelievably excruciating my therapy sessions were for me. Also to understand the extent of my pain between appointments. Unless a therapist has experienced childhood trauma or worked very intimately with this population, it can become a blind spot. She didn’t see the decline in my mental health, didn’t understand how therapy could hurt someone, and didn’t understand the associated overreactions and anger that cropped up as I unsuccessfully tried to hold to the treatment. It created rupture after rupture, which made further discussions about negative therapy feelings that much harder. Because of the lack of understanding, I did seek out help navigating the relationship from a few different therapists.

Getting outside support was a great avenue to let out what was going on in therapy for me. What I was going through was a very unique problem and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to share it with. I had been a lurker on this board for many years, and at the time, some of the more vocal posters about the risks of therapy weren’t here. The majority of folks were posting about sticking things through and letting the process happen. Talking to other therapists let “my secret” out so to speak, and there was definite value in being able to discuss the situation with people who weren’t ‘in it’ and could be objective.

What I did encounter in those outside sessions was more encouragement to “keep working” at therapy. The consults I saw were all willing to take me on as a client and see if things could be different with them. In truth, I was so enmeshed and obsessed with my therapist that I think all I wanted to hear was that I was on the right path. I don’t recall anything of great meaning being said from their side.

As a whole, I am glad I did it. Carrying around such an enormous secret in my everyday life would have felt too crushing.

[Rive.]

I would not be inclined to consult another T. What if transference or attachment etc. is developed towards that other new person? Maybe a one-off session at most, but certainly nothing regular.

I think it would be more productive to address it with the T in question, provided it is well received by them.

[Xynesthesia2]

I definitely think it can be useful if one is stuck and does not feel comfortable with the current T, or the current T is simply not competent enough to use it constructively. One can take it like having a consultation to get a second opinion.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

No but I've heard of it happening. My worry would be that it would just keep cycling. You could try it.

Yeah I understand that if the issue is not healed or resolved it will just keep happening. Not sure if you can repair the damage done pre-verbal and in childhood. I am going to end up like the cat lady who compensates with tons of cats except it will be dachshund for me.

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Yeah I understand that if the issue is not healed or resolved it will just keep happening. Not sure if you can repair the damage done pre-verbal and in childhood. I am going to end up like the cat lady who compensates with tons of cats except it will be dachshund for me.

There are worse things to accumulate than cats and dogs. Or even therapists.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Has anyone done that? Saw a different T for a bit to help them deal with or help them with the painful transference they have with the T they are seeing now?

i sought out another T while still working with my original T, but probably not in the exact context that you are asking. when therapy and the relationship with my ex-T was stuck, i sought out neurofeedback therapy from a clinical psychologist. i mainly was interested in seeking NFB to help ease my trauma symptoms: overwhelming anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, suicidal ideation, lack of sleep, severe dissociation, hypervigilance, IBS, migraines , etc. the NFB actually was quite successful for me in calming my anxiety and emotional dysregulation, and as gained an overall sense of calm in my body and mind, that in turn helped to ease the strong transference that was occurring with my ex-T. as the transference faded many of my fears that seemed to fuel the transference faded which lead to finally experiencing a lot of successful forward progress in therapy. just over a year after having started the NFB, i finally felt ready to end therapy and the therapeutic relationship with my T. currently, it has been two years since ending and i continue to feel pretty content and fulfilled about my life.

have you considered trying a different modality of therapy to help? body centred therapies seem to be very beneficial for pre-verbal early childhood/developmental traumas.

[LonesomeTonight]

The reason I originally went to see current T was to help me with transference for my now-former marriage counselor. I was able to talk some about the transference with ex-MC, and he was generally understanding and normalizing about it. But we were really limited in how much we could address it because it was marriage counseling (though he let me talk about it in session a bit, it was mainly through some emails and phone calls). So I needed someone else to help work through it, and ex-T wasn't helping. (She'd say things like, "Your transference is intense as it gets!" Which...was not helpful. And felt more judgmental.)

My initial plan was to consult with another T for a month or two in the hopes of getting a different perspective and, hopefully, getting unstuck. Much like what happened with Echos, I found his perspective helpful and opted to stay with him and leave ex-T. The difference here is we kept seeing ex-MC for some time while I was seeing T. A rupture with ex-MC a few months into seeing T ultimately (a few months later) led to my leaving ex-MC. I think it was more the rupture than seeing current T that led me to be able to terminate. But T has really helped me get through leaving him.

I did intentionally choose a male T with the thought that my transference could have possibly, well, transferred to him, and I would have hopefully been able to "work through it" with him in ways that I couldn't with a marriage counselor (I now have greater uncertainty of what "work through transference" means or if it's possible in the way that ex-MC explained it to me, but that's a separate thing). I have had transference for a male high school teacher before, so I think I tend to attach to male authority figures.

I do have some level of transference and attachment to current T, but it's nowhere near the level as it was with ex-MC. I think a big part of that is that ex-MC clearly had strong countertransference for me, being very inconsistent with boundaries (like talking to me individually for a half hour on the phone about my feelings for him, then the next week saying we need to just focus on the marriage counseling, etc.) He also often kept us over time (though he did with other clients too, I think). Current T has said that he feels ex-MC had some level of enmeshment with me. My T has stronger and more consistent boundaries (though still fuzzy and inconsistent at times...), and I think that's helped keep the transference more at bay. He doesn't seem the type who would get enmeshed with his clients. Ex-MC seems to have a strong need to be needed, and I think that played into his countertransference for me. I don't get that sense from T.

The negative is that T isn't particularly into talking about transference--would rather focus on what's going on now or else on stuff from childhood instead of my feelings for him. However, he's come a long way with that from when I first started seeing him and now seems to understand why I need to talk about some of that and how it can help me. And how working through certain things with him can help me with relationships in my outside life.

I'm totally rambling now, sorry! It's just very complicated. But I definitely think it could be worth trying a different T. Even if you just went to one or a few sessions with them to consult. I actually had a one-session consultation with another therapist when I was struggling with some aspects of the relationship with my T a few months ago, and it helped give me perspective (only went once, don't feel need to see her again, but could change in the future). The other thing is, if your T seems to be shifting to a model of shorter-term therapy and just focus on the present, he might not be the right fit for you right now. So I'd check on your other options and try someone out--just going to one session is not a commitment.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I do have some level of transference and attachment to current T, but it's nowhere near the level as it was with ex-MC. I think a big part of that is that ex-MC clearly had strong countertransference for me, being very inconsistent with boundaries . Current T has said that he feels ex-MC had some level of enmeshment with me. My T has stronger and more consistent boundaries (though still fuzzy and inconsistent at times...), and I think that's helped keep the transference more at bay. He doesn't seem the type who would get enmeshed with his clients. Ex-MC seems to have a strong need to be needed, and I think that played into his countertransference for me. I don't get that sense from T.

yes, this was my ex-T too. a lot of his own messy counter transference being brought into my therapy and our relationship, inconsistencies, and many of his own needs getting into the way. so much of my therapy was revolving around the drama of our relationship and rupture after rupture. to this day, i'm still not sure what would be considered the real therapy that was supposed to be happening in that relationship and to whoms benefit it was more for, his or mine? so with my attachment and complex trauma issues getting interwind with his own unresolved stuff it made for perfect a therapy 'sh#t storm'...

i'm glad that you are not having similar issues with your current T.

[Merope]

I’m considering seeing another T to discuss the transference I have for actual T. But first, I’d like to try to talk to my actual T about my feelings for him. He hasn’t tended to bring up the relationship in session but lately he has started to do so. I failed to take the bait however and now I’m kicking myself at the missed opportunities to talk about my transference.

I’m not sure how to bring it up without wanting to melt into the floor. I’d find it easier if we got there from talking about something else...

[MoxieDoxie]

I contacted a T I saw short term and have used every now and again to sort things out. I explained my transference in detailed, no hold bare, even told him I told T about my feelings, and asked to come in and try to get my thoughts and feelings in order or maybe hear what he has to say. In short he said to work it out with the guy I am seeing now.

Pfft.....well that was no help.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

In short he said to work it out with the guy I am seeing now.

Normally I would think that makes total sense. I had the similar experience few years ago when I experienced a long period of very negative transferential feelings. I called couple of therapist and no decent therapist was willing to see me - they said that we seem to be in the middle on something and that it would be important for me to continue that work with my T. (Some T-s would have taken me on but I realized myself that those people did not understand much anything and thus would not have been safe for me.) Anyway, in retrospect I see that it was correct decision to keep going.

However, this guy you are seeing now - is he even interested in this type of work? I mean, you simply cannot do it alone when this guy is not coming along.