Couch 224: 2day, 2morrow, 4evah!

I Looooooove those! They keep the dream alive for me! I could totally move back! If i dont mind showering at the Dunkin Donuts down the street!

Thanks for your thanks, warmfuzzy! SD outdid herself this time.

Oh wow. Some are cute! I’d have to say that a couple of those apartments were larger and cheaper than some of the places my daughter lived in London. I used to say she lived in a closet. It was literally open the door and lie down on a bed

Yowsa! I imagine that NYC would feel like a whole different world from where I live. I've never actually been there. The first one is how I imagine apartments there. The 2nd 2 are cute!

Do it plus donuts on your way out!

This is also an idea for your next high school graduation. The ending was cute though.

h has been sick the last few days including a low grade fever, it's never been above 99.8 F (which it was today last time he took it) so i'm hoping he doesn't have covid. Unfortunately he has some of the other symptoms as well (slight cough, sore throat, headache, fatigue, nausea) but he's not short of breath, so I'm crossing my fingers it's just a cold/flu. I'm trying not to overly worry because the symptoms themselves don't seem to be too bad. I've read that it's usually a fever of 100.4 or higher, but who knows... he's over 65 and diabetic so I worry. my brother sent everyone in our family an oximeter thingie so I'm going to start checking his oxygen level regularly while he's still sick.

Feeling terrible anxiety over my upcoming gender psychiatrist appointment. I don't know how to tell her that I have other selves and it will affect if we medically transition.

I found this, which helps, but I'm still terrified I'd be called crazy.

Transitioning while Plural

Woke up from another apocalyptic-type dream this morning. I don't like these dreams much and of course I didn't get around to mentioning them to L the other day. Oh well. I'm going to spend some time researching the possible meaning of apocalyptic dreams after work today. Maybe they'll stop if I pay attention to them enough to research.

Hopefully your psychiatrist will have seen similar cases, but maybe you could write it down or give permission for your normal T talk to the psychiatrist.

I've dreamt of snow storms two days in a row and being told to prepare, but I know I have been watching new clips on youtube about the situation in Texas though and about "Mattress Mack".

How do you feel in the dream? Are you being chased? Maybe it means the end of one phase of your life into another and the fear of that change?

I slept badly last night too. One dream was a sex dream involving my chiding German chair and in the other I was riding in a helicopter with LT and a bunch of misogynistic male jackasses.

Wouldn't L say research all you like, but you still have to deal with whatever the issue the dream is bringing to your attention?

(I refuse to deal with whatever issues my dreams last night were bringing to my attention.)

Thanks for sharing the article. I understand it being scary as it was for me to talk about my gender experience without being pleural.

I do identify as fragmented. I think a large amount of my fragmentation comes from my gender dysphoria and a binary societal world. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that many trans people have this type of internal struggle if they were raised in a way that did not respect their internal gender identity. Perhaps you could talk about more in terms of parts of you having different feelings about it without having to specify right away what those parts are. I hope your gender psychiatrist can reassure you that it's ok to have different feelings about it. I know when I had to seek a 2nd letter for the hysterectomy's surgery, it was with a LGBTQ focused therapist. They guided the discussion based on learning about the history of my awareness to my gender. We didn't really focus too much on my doubts. When I was going for my top surgery, I was worried that if I shared with T my uncertainties, she'd pull the letter. Where I live for top surgery we only need 1 letter from mental health. T reassured me that she wouldn't pull the letter without me asking her to and we were able to talk about my fears. T even visited me in the hospital after that surgery (the clinic we were meeting at was part of the hospital so she was already on site).

Like the article, I needed to confront those topics within me as well. To be honest, I think every trans person that is looking at doing any type of physical/chemical transition need to confront those topics. I see it as part of being informed; internally informed. I was really clear on my transition of the things I didn't want - deeper voice, facial/body hair. I can't say those are not happening, I do keep my testosterone at a low enough level that the changes are not significant. I do not know your system, do you feel you have a good handle as to what your system looks like (the major players), how they help you live and survive, their strengths, and where they weigh in on your gender? Would any of them be/feel damaged/betrayed by your transition?

I have noticed being sensitive to the testosterone in my emotional/mental world. The higher my testosterone is, the less I cry even if I want to cry, sometimes it even feels like I lose the ability to cry. It is also easier for me to be "mean" to myself (SH, food restrict, overwork). There's this place on the hormone level where I feel young/very young and long for T. I know that sounds like just my standard transference; however, I've been on the testosterone long enough to do trials and there does seem to be a link to it. I use a gel so it's a daily dosing and I have more control over adjusting the dosage day to day.

What part of your gender journey are you seeing this psychiatrist for? What part of your journey are you at? I know you are in a different country and that you just recently got out from under your abusive parents. Have you been able to give your different parts the space needed to explore gender in general? I would hope that on the outside chance this psychiatrist (gate keeper) does cause a delay, it is just to give you that space, to ensure that all of you are on board with a way of life. It always sucks when there is a gate keeper in our lives that get to judge what our lives should be like simply because they are granted some authority. Have you been able to do any research on this person and see which philosophy they take in terms of informed consent verse gate keeping? In your country, are they trending more open or more conservatives towards gender identity issues? I'd think if this is a person that specialized in gender items, they would be on the forefront in that trend. What has your T had to say about this person - did your T refer you to them? And no, none of that logical stuff will override the fears - they are valid. You have hopes and someone you don't know gets to judge your ability to reach those goals and achieve those hopes. I'll be thinking of you - I hope it goes well.

I have been full-on back at work in my dreams.

This is my seventh day of work in a row and I have two excruciatingly difficult patients (one of them slapped the nurse a few minutes ago) and I am about ready to scream. I have tomorrow and Tuesday off but then I start another seven day stretch and I am already exhausted. Eff this.

Also my T is being a real jerk.

Nope, i wasn't being chased or anything like that. I was helping to turn an empty swimming pool into a secure shelter. I think it has to do with exactly what you said. Which is one of the possible meanings I read about.


Yes, she absolutely would, she would suggest that I do an Active Imagination with it and talk to some of the other people that are in the dream. I pretty much know why I'm having these dreams... it's the whole house-hunting and moving thing I'm sure. Like Lemon said the moving into a new phase of life and stuff. And the decrease in frequency of my therapy sessions lately is probably involved as well.

I know L doesn't agree with this, but sometimes I think dreams don't mean a dang thing... like one I had a month or so ago where i caught a fish, and it was kissing me like a dog would.

Art, I think it's significant that in your dream you're creating shelter. Also, swimming is an important refuge for you already, and the pool is empty and being repurposed. Whether it feels like it's about creating a different kind of refuge or whether it feels like the pool has been taken away as an outlet in order to address more immediate safety needs might be an idea to ponder.

That's a really good thought about the pool! Thank you! Most of the houses we have looked at don't have a community pool available. I think I'd better put that back in the top features I need, I would be lost without swimming in the spring/summer/early fall.

And creating a different kind of refuge - that also goes along with decreasing frequency of therapy sessions, I would imagine, having to find that place internally on the off week, that I get in L's office. Or something.

That's kind of funny, because I think you were in *my* dream last night as well, ATAT. I'd gotten chosen for some sort of poetry award as part of a group you were in charge of. We were supposed to go to some presentation, then head to Delaware to meet with Biden (apparently this was before he was President).

Except I was completely disorganized and was trying to grab random clothing and stick it in this bag, then freaked out because I realized I wasn't wearing a bra, so went to find one of those. And I was afraid you were all going to leave without me.

Also, for some reason, we had to take these old glass bottles of Coca-Cola with us, and they were all dusty, so I had to clean them off first.

I woke up before we actually got to meet with Biden. I just remember being in the car on the way there and needing to pee, but we were all on some 2-lane road in the woods, so I didn't know where we could stop.

Thats the main reason i stay with my place. Its like my dad used to say about living near a corner store - you might pay more than the grocery store, but its nice to have it there when you need it.

To be fair - nurses are often super assholes and who among us hasn't wanted to slap one of them? I have this discussion all the time with a family member who is a nurse.

Your therapist is a jerk
I hope you get rest

Ps, as a public defender - we were always getting whacked by clients.

Thank you. Rest is relatively imminent, thank goodness.

The heartbreaker is that this particular nurse is one of the good ones, and immediately pre-slap was just trying to get the pt on the phone with her daughter (which the pt had asked her to do). Bah.

One of the nicest pds got punched more than anyone else too. One time the client broke his jaw. I don't know how many pairs of glasses this guy had broken by clients with low frustration tolerance.
I know I would have left a bloodbath around the nurses station when my person was ill if I had not had a slightly higher ability to function than, for example, my clients.

I have begun dehydrating things and now I want a freeze dryer. Not going to happen as they are expensive and I have no actual need for one - just that I could play with more things. I now toss powdered greens into everything and have made some dried beet capsules (I like beets to eat -but I don't want to eat them all the time)

Are these having forpoopitous effects on your health?

Eta - LOL i am so funny i cant stand myself. I know many of you feel the same way.

I swear we need an LOL button on here in your honor.