Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

jrae · Apr 21, 2021 at 01:25 AM

man, could i use someone like you to talk to this week - facing some heavy 'body blows'. but i can't reach out to you, i just can't......

in the end, you'll never know anyways

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 21, 2021 at 07:53 AM

The only thing my incessant worry does is to rob my "now" of joy. It doesn't magically protect me and my loved ones, because **** happens sometimes anyway that's just life. Somehow I've convinced myself that when **** didn't happen, it was because I worried enough to prevent it, and when **** did happen, it was my fault because I didn't worry enough. I don't know how to fix this. Obviously you don't either, or else, it just takes a really really long time to fix and the above realization finally coming through is part of fixing it. I don't know but I rather feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I'm only losing the part that I don't need? I don't know. I wish it was Friday already.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 21, 2021 at 08:54 AM

I can be polite about it, but I have straight up had enough of people I come to trust leaving. I can't really believe I'm doing this again, although under slightly better circumstances. At least she had the decency to tell me personally.

Merope · Apr 21, 2021 at 08:56 AM

Ughhh can you just reply?!

LonesomeTonight · Apr 21, 2021 at 11:08 AM

Dear T,
Still feeling kind of rough after the shot--maybe I should have just canceled, but I was feeling better this morning. Just bear with me if I'm a bit spacey. And maybe if I'm really out of it, you'd be willing to make it a half-session? We'll see in 20 minutes...

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Apr 21, 2021 at 01:04 PM

Dear T,
I hope that email helps and you're not mad at me for mentioning that. It would be great if you could reply tonight, but tomorrow morning is OK. I think not feeling well messed with my filter.

I also wonder if whether part of what was hard for me was your talking about similar experiences with your son with gifts when I was talking about my D. And talking about stuff like that made it feel more friend-like. So then the money just felt more jarring.... But I can't mention that to you.

Love,
LT

KLL85 · Apr 21, 2021 at 02:13 PM

Oh T, things were going so well in today’s session but you just had to go mess it up within the last 15 minutes. I really appreciate that you have clearly taken on board what I wrote in my email and you were trying to meet some of my needs that I talked about.
But then calling my childhood experiences a ‘case of parents using old fashioned parenting techniques’ felt like you were completely downplaying what happened to me. We have talked about the fact that I witnessed domestic abuse, I was on the receiving end of violence from my dad, I was verbally abused by my mom and dad and had none of my emotional needs met. It was hard for me to accept that this was abuse when I worked with my previous T, but eventually I did. But now you’ve made me think I’m just being a drama queen and I’m making it out to be worse than what it was and I should just get over it as it was just old fashioned parenting and it’s no big deal. Why did you have to say that? I feel so stupid and ashamed.

*Beth* · Apr 21, 2021 at 03:46 PM

I wish I could be more genuine with you on Friday. Really open up and explain to you how I think I'm doing. But I don't know the words to use. If we were meeting in person I'd be able to explain much more easily. Teletherapy has worn me down. A lot of my inspiration is flat.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 21, 2021 at 10:13 PM

i'm hurting and really struggling tonight L i wish i could talk to you right now for reals not just the 'you' in my head. i'm thinking every negative thought possible about myself right now and I can't shut it off. why does my mom so excel at making me feel terrible about myself?

Quietmind 2 · Apr 22, 2021 at 12:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

i'm hurting and really struggling tonight L i wish i could talk to you right now for reals not just the 'you' in my head. i'm thinking every negative thought possible about myself right now and I can't shut it off. why does my mom so excel at making me feel terrible about myself?

Hugs. Your mom installed those buttons, as did mine for me. I understand the pain. Sending you fierce caring, I'd kick out your inner critic voice if I could.

Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 22, 2021 at 03:23 AM

Today's a good day for listening to Billy Joel. I relate deeply to this song.

The River of Dreams

bottleofa · Apr 22, 2021 at 10:48 AM

I'm trying to loose as much as I can before our next and final appointment, just so you can worry about me a little bit. I know you probably won't, and that we've already had more than my allocated sessions for my treatment, but to be honest I think I'm worse than when we first started. I just wish that someone would care.
Ps. I think we should be able to have more sessions, bearing in mind that I've never met you due to lockdown and all our sessions have been over the telephone. I don't even know what you look like, and so cannot imagine you in my mind and pretend to be having helping discussions with you. I wonder what you would say if I admitted that to you...

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 22, 2021 at 06:36 PM

I haven't done the 2nd part of my homework yet. Oops.

*Beth* · Apr 22, 2021 at 07:58 PM

I'm so glad we have a session tomorrow. I just wish so hard that it was in person. I am entirely burned out on the teletherapy ritual.

RoxanneToto · Apr 22, 2021 at 08:01 PM

I’m not sure if I’m getting a slight attachment to you or not. I kind of missed seeing you today, since you needed to cancel, but it was a very mild feeling. Almost not even there, really. Then again, this is the reason I started coming to see you. It makes me feel abnormal.
On another hand, I sometimes fantasise that I don’t have these issues - in my fantasies you’re also not my T, but instead we’re just really good friends.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 22, 2021 at 09:49 PM

Dear T,
So, the conversation and email about the money were making me think more about how this is really just a professional relationship, and I need to accept that. But then you randomly send me something in the evening that you think might help my friend. And that, to me, shows that you care not just about my well-being, but that of my friend, too. And that means a lot.
Love,
LT

Lostislost · Apr 23, 2021 at 04:00 AM

I woke up with a jump this morning from a horrible dream, my head still hurts and I don't feel like I can tell you it because it will take far too long to discuss. I have no idea what any of it means.
Hate starting the day like this.

littleblackdog · Apr 23, 2021 at 05:29 AM

Why did you say that? Why did you tell me that you care about me and that you want to keep working with me?
Knowing that there is someone who cares about me and wants to help me and believes in me, but who I will have no more contact with just makes me feel so much worse..

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 23, 2021 at 10:29 AM

So glad I'm seeing you later today. Much to talk about!

LonesomeTonight · Apr 23, 2021 at 01:34 PM

Dear T,
It also means a lot that you volunteered to see me on a few Sundays to help me wean down from 3 times a week when I'm ready. I know you typically see a few clients on Sundays and have seen me then on occasion, but last you said, you'd rather not see any more then than you have to. So your offering it without my asking is significant to me. I need to think on how I want to do this. And like I said, I think it would be easier if I just kept the same frequency for May, then looked at June as a time to maybe start making changes. Because it's going to take some time for me to get back out there in the world, to get other things in place, and to be trying to do that AND start reducing sessions in May seems like way too much. But it really helps to know that you're willing to be flexible once I'm ready.

Love,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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jrae Grand Member Member Since Jun 2008 Location: WYLTK Posts: 766 15 410 hugs given	Apr 21, 2021 at 01:25 AM #281 man, could i use someone like you to talk to this week - facing some heavy 'body blows'. but i can't reach out to you, i just can't...... in the end, you'll never know anyways

Merope Veteran Member Member Since Jan 2018 Location: Somewhere in a cloud Posts: 719 6 479 hugs given	Apr 21, 2021 at 08:56 AM #284 Ughhh can you just reply?!

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,832 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Apr 21, 2021 at 11:08 AM #285 Dear T, Still feeling kind of rough after the shot--maybe I should have just canceled, but I was feeling better this morning. Just bear with me if I'm a bit spacey. And maybe if I'm really out of it, you'd be willing to make it a half-session? We'll see in 20 minutes... Love, LT

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Apr 21, 2021 at 03:46 PM #288 I wish I could be more genuine with you on Friday. Really open up and explain to you how I think I'm doing. But I don't know the words to use. If we were meeting in person I'd be able to explain much more easily. Teletherapy has worn me down. A lot of my inspiration is flat. __________________

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,291 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,789 hugs given	Apr 21, 2021 at 10:13 PM #289 i'm hurting and really struggling tonight L i wish i could talk to you right now for reals not just the 'you' in my head. i'm thinking every negative thought possible about myself right now and I can't shut it off. why does my mom so excel at making me feel terrible about myself?

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,291 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,789 hugs given	Apr 22, 2021 at 06:36 PM #293 I haven't done the 2nd part of my homework yet. Oops.

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Apr 22, 2021 at 07:58 PM #294 I'm so glad we have a session tomorrow. I just wish so hard that it was in person. I am entirely burned out on the teletherapy ritual. __________________

Lostislost Veteran Member Member Since May 2020 Location: Uk Posts: 557 4 890 hugs given	Apr 23, 2021 at 04:00 AM #297 I woke up with a jump this morning from a horrible dream, my head still hurts and I don't feel like I can tell you it because it will take far too long to discuss. I have no idea what any of it means. Hate starting the day like this.

littleblackdog Member Member Since Jan 2017 Location: UK Posts: 189 7 11 hugs given	Apr 23, 2021 at 05:29 AM #298 Why did you say that? Why did you tell me that you care about me and that you want to keep working with me? Knowing that there is someone who cares about me and wants to help me and believes in me, but who I will have no more contact with just makes me feel so much worse..

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,291 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,789 hugs given	Apr 23, 2021 at 10:29 AM #299 So glad I'm seeing you later today. Much to talk about!