Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Asking what I need

Brain freezes like computer

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I'm glad we are meeting Wednesday. I'm doing fine, but I am just ready to dive back into what we were talking about on Friday.

I'm starting to feel low again.

Three hours studied yesterday. Two today.

193 days without self harm
86 days without you.

I realize you haven’t actually ever told me anything. I think you are brilliant, as it has taken me a year to come to this realization.

I feel so annoyed at my mother. In our culture it's common for families to arrange marriages, so she did go an ask another family. I do know the other person, but he's not even someone I could get on with and an arrogant as ***** doctor.

It's my life and I'm done with it being controlled for me. I have spent the majority of my life trying to please my mother and I'm done. They actually were s**t parents and I don't owe them anything.

Hey, my PMs are open if you ever want to vent. Different culture but also heavy on the guilt trips and emotional blackmail and "you owe me!!!". I'm also a little familiar with arranged marriages as I've friends in cultures with it. Some obeyed, some left.

I feel as if I'm operating in thick fog, and I don't understand why.

So much emotional pain today, I miss my mum even though of course she was never truly there....but she still exists and sometimes I think it would be easier to never have had a mum at all....it hurts having a mum and not having a mum and being a mum all at the same time. And I miss you and I think really that’s just because I miss my mum or my not mum or perhaps my never-having-had-a-mum gaping hole is just particularly massive at the moment. Or maybe I do miss you. I don’t know. Will it ever get easier? It’s a lot.

My PM's are open if you want to chat about this. I have a long history of an abusive mother and have had that deep mother hole for as long as I can remember. Its one of the hardest things I have dealt with but it does get better.

Dear T,
I'm not sure how I feel yet about your pushing back in-person. If you're waiting for APA to give the OK to meet without masks, I'm concerned you may be waiting a long time. Honestly, I'm concerned it would be for the rest of this year, even. I hope they provide other guidance.


I mean...isn't part of the point of getting vaccinated to be able to return more to normal? And if you're talking about things like me working toward eating inside restaurants, yet won't let me in your office unmasked, I feel like that sends a really mixed message? At some point, I feel like it has to be up to you to decide what you're willing to do--like you said, the APA provides guidelines, and you wouldn't be stripped of your license for meeting with vaccinated clients in person without masks.

OK, I guess this is bothering me somewhat... I guess I just hoped that potentially seeing you in person later this month would help me get back out there more. And would get me to leave the house a few days a week for a specific reason.

I just don't see why you should be grouped with all "healthcare professionals" (as it mentioned in that statement). You see a set number of clients on a regular basis, which is very different from, say, an ER doctor or nurse, or even a primary care doctor.

Maybe this is another case of it very much showing how this is a professional relationship, because I imagine if your friend or family member were vaccinated, you'd be willing to see them in person indoors unmasked, per current CDC guidelines...

Love,
LT

LT, for your sake, i would hope he would not! Because then he would be subjecting you to whatever cootie his friend or family member may have come in contact with and unwittingly passed to him.

Geez, it's like the beginning of AIDS / HIV all over again. Only it's not "you're sleeping with everybody x has slept with."

IMO, until the pandemic is over, the CDC is just trying to keep the proper influence on whatever groups of people they might be able to influence. Like medical personnel.

Would be nice if the churches would agree, but church is political - which seems unamerican!

Otherwise, business is more important than the CDC in the USA. Your t is just saying your family's health, and his family's health, are more important to him than business. Thats his bottom line. Isnt that where you want it?

Ugh. I wish we didn't have an appointment today. I am in a horrible place and I am upset with everybody who doesn't understand my grief. If I talk about it we always go down the path of someday I will get to the point that I will not grieve the loss but celebrate thr relationship and remember the good times. You will also try to use CBT which is not helpful in making me feel better. I always feel like you are telling me I am wrong and should not feel the way I do.

I do wish we could meet in person instead over video. I hate it.

Don't want to get in a long debate about this, but the CDC also says it's safe for two vaccinated people to meet indoors unmasked. In theory, there shouldn't be cootie spread (well, COVID cooties--my D's illness last week reminded me that other germs, like norovirus, are alive and well--yes, we did have her tested for COVID, and she was negative).

It just feels like they're mixed messages from the CDC? So I have no excuse to avoid gathering with my family and in-laws anymore (as we're all vaccinated), but I can't see my therapist in person unmasked. I'd prefer it be the other way around!

Session with new T who is not you on the 15th.

Dear T,
Why am I so sad about this? It feels like it set me on this "What's the point?" spiral. I doubt you'll understand. But I think it's tied into my thinking that vaccine = path back to normal, except it clearly isn't, really.
Love,
LT

Thank you for being upfront with me about feeling sad today so I didn't have to wonder. Or ask.

exT,

You are like a bowl of ice cream and my new T is a bowl of carrots. You are what I really want and she is what I really need. Carrots will help me more in the long term to be healthy so its what I need but damn, sometimes I just want ice cream

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight Dear T, I'm not sure how I feel yet about your pushing back in-person. If you're waiting for APA to give the OK to meet without masks, I'm concerned you may be waiting a long time. Honestly, I'm concerned it would be for the rest of this year, even. I hope they provide other guidance. I mean...isn't part of the point of getting vaccinated to be able to return more to normal? And if you're talking about things like me working toward eating inside restaurants, yet won't let me in your office unmasked, I feel like that sends a really mixed message? At some point, I feel like it has to be up to you to decide what you're willing to do--like you said, the APA provides guidelines, and you wouldn't be stripped of your license for meeting with vaccinated clients in person without masks. OK, I guess this is bothering me somewhat... I guess I just hoped that potentially seeing you in person later this month would help me get back out there more. And would get me to leave the house a few days a week for a specific reason. I just don't see why you should be grouped with all "healthcare professionals" (as it mentioned in that statement). You see a set number of clients on a regular basis, which is very different from, say, an ER doctor or nurse, or even a primary care doctor. Maybe this is another case of it very much showing how this is a professional relationship, because I imagine if your friend or family member were vaccinated, you'd be willing to see them in person indoors unmasked, per current CDC guidelines... Love, LT

^^^ I could have written this myself.

I love that in the midst of emotionally charged appointments we can find humor and tender moments. Watching you expression as you called yourself a sadist for poking people to bring up painful memories and emotions was priceless. Fortunately, I know you enough to know have taken it the right way so both had a good laugh at both of our expense.

Then to flip to talking about out work together and how much we both like the work we do together. When you did I am a great client because of all the hard work I put in and how much growth you have witnessed was nice. Also, about how you enjoy that faith and religion is a big part of my therapy and that you love that you can incorporate it in our discussions. I takes me wonder if you read y post about not wanting to attend this week. I am thankful kful I did.

Dear T,
Well, I may have to switch to twice a week (or once?) sooner than I thought, because it looks like I screwed up with something I submitted to one of my accounts, submitting an old version of a document I edited. And I'm worried they'll fire me. Even though I've been doing quality work for them for 10 years and have no idea how this could have happened. Except I was distracted and really anxious last week. I just hope I hear back from them before my session. I wish I'd somehow realized what had happened when there was still time to fix it--likely too late now... I'm such an idiot...

Love,
LT

L,
Please, please, please respond! H has been really bad last night and this morning. I need you so much right now!

Dear Dr. K. I am doing your homework. I am coming up with more things than I thought. I still don't like homework. But I know it is for my own good. Please be a good T for me. Thanks. Kit

I know that eleventh hour emails the day before session aren't a good idea, but there are some things I want to share that I'm worried about not being able to, given the circumstances.


Please be gentle with me?

Thank you for responding to my emails in such a lovely way today. It is a hard time but I am trying to celebrate my mom rather than allowing it to get me down. But, man, is it hard to do.

Dear T,
I think everything is OK with my job and I've managed to make up for it successfully. Part of me wants to email an update, but it can hold until Friday.


I'm of course not glad it happened, but I am glad that it helped you realize the extent of my catastrophizing (though I'm not entirely sure how you didn't realize that before?). And how, like you said, it extends to different areas of my life, like friendships, too.

And it helped that you expressed compassion toward my reaction to your putting off resuming in person. Were you tearing up again at one point? It seemed like it. Around when I said how it felt like just one more thing that had been pushed back and another delay to getting back to normal in some way. It seemed like you felt bad for causing additional frustration/sadness for me around that, even though, as I said, I know you're just trying to be cautious. But it's still a decision of yours that affects me, even if it's based on professional board recommendations.

Love,
LT