[InkyBooky]

Part of me knows my therapist is no longer a good fit for me. The reasons are subtle, but also profound. I won't go into all the details. It's nothing nefarious or unethical, but I think I've known for a long time that she isn't right for me. However, I continue to struggle with letting go.

The problem is that I am DEEPLY attached to her. I do have severe attachment trauma from my family of origin (in addition to issues around loss, abandonment, trauma bonding and abuse). So even though I know I need to let her go I am literally clinging to her like a terrified child....doing everything I can possibly think of to make it work. Without going into specifics, I know for a fact this is a reenactment. However, she has not seemed to notice. Or at least she hasn't acknowledged it.

It feels like if I lose her I will die. Of course, my rational mind /adult self knows that's not true. I'm fully aware that it's in my best interest to move on. Yet, I absolutely feel that I can't do it.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did it work out?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm sorry you're in such turmoil.

When my T, who I was very attached to, went on maternity leave, I started seeing L. I got extremely attached to L and chose to stay with L when T came back. It was such a hard choice. I love(d) T, but L was a better fit for me. I didn't want to make the decision because I felt like I was betraying T, but I did. Thankfully, T was more than supportive of my decision and agreed to maintain a (healthy, ethical, professional) relationship with me. I contact her once a month and have a session with her once a year. She is also backup therapist when L is out.

Maybe you can still maintain a relationship with your T AND can find a new T? I'm so glad T and L are working together and I get to keep both of them. I hope something like that might be possible for you too.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I experienced something similar many years ago although I wasn't as deeply attached as you are. However, I really struggled to let go. What I did was look around for a more suitable T whilst still seeing the original T (I didn't tell her) AND started to reduce my sessions with the original T from weekly to fortnightly. It wasn't easy but I tapped into the adult part of myself who knew this was right. The reduction in sessions naturally calmed the attachment down a bit and I found a T who was more suitable so I started to lean more on her. Could you maybe try something like this? The trauma response is so engrained and terrifying it's near on impossible to break it without having someone else there to move on to, or at least that was my experience.

[Mountaindewed]

I experienced this with my last T. It was tough because I was in the process of moving and the video sessions were rough and I knew I’d never get to see her in person again. Finally after months of struggling I just had to tell her what was going on. She was really nice and understanding and we were able to come to a good solution regarding getting a new T. I was able to start video sessions with a new T in the area I’m moving to.

[ElectricManatee]

I got into some messy intense rupture/trauma reenactment with my primary therapist almost exactly two years ago. It was terrible, and it was so disappointing that she should have seen what was happening and stopped it, but she didn't or she couldn't. I ended up seeing a different trauma therapist who had some other techniques that my primary therapist doesn't have (mainly DBT and EMDR but there was a little IFS in there too). The plan was always to hopefully work things out with my primary T and go back to her, and in the meantime, the secondary T and I processed what was going on with my primary T and how the issues were reactivating old traumas. I saw just the secondary T for several months and then have been seeing them both for over a year now. I'm finally getting back to where I feel solid enough to just see the primary T, although I could still see going back to the secondary T for more EMDR as things come up for me, especially once we're back in person.

It's awful when the person you trust seems untrustworthy and when the forces of relational trauma are pulling you all over the place so you can't even think straight. There was nothing shady or unethical going on with my T either but for a long time I was unsure whether I could go back because of how she made me feel. But my secondary T (who used to work with primary T) believed in my relationship with primary T enough that I was eventually able to see that the relationship is worth salvaging. So that's my story that's sort of related. I hope it turns out well, but it's still too early to say.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

Part of me knows my therapist is no longer a good fit for me. The reasons are subtle, but also profound. I won't go into all the details. It's nothing nefarious or unethical, but I think I've known for a long time that she isn't right for me. However, I continue to struggle with letting go.

The problem is that I am DEEPLY attached to her. I do have severe attachment trauma from my family of origin (in addition to issues around loss, abandonment, trauma bonding and abuse). So even though I know I need to let her go I am literally clinging to her like a terrified child....doing everything I can possibly think of to make it work. Without going into specifics, I know for a fact this is a reenactment. However, she has not seemed to notice. Or at least she hasn't acknowledged it.

Oh my...You have described exactly how I am feeling with my T but was unable to articulate. I too am deeply attached and although she has done nothing wrong it feels like a reenactment of sorts and I am beginning to feel like I need to try something different.
Maybe taking a break might be helpful. Or taking a break and starting to see a new T to discuss what is happening may help give you more clarity and confidence to move forward. This is what I am considering.

[Brown Owl 2]

I’ve experienced something similar. I was deeply attached, but knew I had to stop. It’s happened to me more than once. Stopping bought up really difficult emotions for me, which only really resolved when I restarted therapy with someone else. I had thought that a break from therapy completely would be best, but if I had to do it again, I’d restart therapy with someone different ASAP. I found it hard to start therapy with someone else while I was still seeing her as the new relationship felt shallow/ distant in comparison to the (painful) depth of the old.

[InkyBooky]

Thank you so much for all of these comments and for sharing your different experiences. You guys have some great ideas. It is helpful to hear I'm not the only one who has experienced this bizarre and painful dilemma within the context of therapy...