Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

L wants to teach me DEAR MAN skill. And I feel insulated and 100% resistant. I try so hard to communicate clearly, directly, expressing myself using "I" statements, try to use dialectics, etc. I don't know why I have to learn these stupid acronyms.

Somehow, I'd get angry if my T said that. In my view, that fear is self protective and although it might hinder your current life now, hence the need to change, it's not as simple as "just let that go"? It just seems so dismissive?

I'm sorry if it's I'm wrong about L, Artie.

Maybe this would help explain panic attacks
Why Do I Feel Like I'm Dying During a Panic Attack?

So doesn’t everybody here qualify as a therapist-devaluer? We’ve almost all questioned or criticized their methods.

I bought an under-desk elliptical, which I’ve moved in front of the TV when I watch baseball. My legs are churning away as I write and not being couch potato legs. I doubt many calories are being burned, but it feels good to still be in motion while resting.

I have tried to set a good example on how to deal with those people.

I have one of those at my office at school. I had a ball chair thing but I kept bouncing on it and so it was not good to have student conferences when sitting on it

Thanks. Yes, the fear when it was 'born' so to speak when I was a kid was just that, self protective. And her comment, coming at any other time than during the specific conversation we were having today, it would have felt dismissive. For some reason though, it just fit today, it was like briefly there, we were talking flawed human to flawed human and not t-hiding-behind-a-mask to client, and that was how I heard it. That moment did not last long, but it was long enough.

Incidentally one of my homework assignments is to tell my mother something big that I'm afraid of telling her (I'm going to have to anyway soon so I really should just get it over with). I think that once I do tell her this thing, I will be taking back the power that she obviously still has over me emotionally even though I am 58 years old. Once I take back that power - I don't think I will be worrying so much anymore about being bad/wrong.

I need one of these for when I watch baseball (which is all the time) - didn't know they existed!

Ah, I love when you guys make these wide sweeping statements about all therapists. It gives me this feeling that I can only describe as chaotic energy.

I have a cubii but I think there are several brands out there by now.

I think mine is a desk cycle but I could be wrong - I got mine used from a second hand shop. Mine is pretty old - I have had it for about 10 yrs now

I saw one on Amazon that can be used under your desk with your feet, or on top of your desk with your hands. Interesting.

Hugs. I'm glad it fit in that specific conversation. Definitely wishing you luck to tell your mother the big thing.

Ok we are having my daughters surprise party at a restaurant. Now i have to choose, she likes Italian or Indian. Should i ask if the other guests have a preference? I dont want to go somewhere where someone doesn't eat.

Something is very off with me. I haven't had SH urges or SI in 1 1/2 years.

I can't hear my alters (it's not usual for me), and I keep thinking of specific things in past sessions and then feeling angry or hurt. I am not deliberately dragging up old therapy sessions from my journal or anything. It was all stuff from sometime back when trying to show 1 of my alters that T is safe. Those same sessions which were OK/good are suddenly not. Is it paranoia? If so is transient paranoia a thing when under extreme stress?

I sent T an email this morning about those memories and texted (she'll read when she can, her boundary is no replies) the gist of what I wrote above.

I can't easily ask her to call me as she has a lot of patients, works back to back, and there's not enough privacy for a proper phone call. I have privacy but she has to call from the receptionist desk in the small waiting room.

Thank you for being you SD.

The weirdest product I saw yesterday was a waterproof shower case,which clips on the wall so you can have your phone in the shower too.

Maybe only ask the ones who have an allergy. If not pick yourself.

It makes sense one of your alters wouldn't feel safe if you're struggling with anxiety and panic attacks.When can you see your T next ?

6 days from now. I don't know if I can or should ask for an earlier session.

C you really do deserve a better T. Just as an outsider looking in it seems like your therapy sessions are just leaving you more and more destabilized. Do you feel like this T is really helping you at the moment?

You'll be moving soon maybe just try to work on wrapping up everything.

I hope you do ask if she has something sooner.It can really help.

Hugs. Don't mind me if my thinking is really weird. I feel like it's too "dangerous/unsafe" because of how I blew up at T via email.

It wasn't just the triggering stuff I wrote about some days back, some other triggers unrelated to her factored in. She replied asking me to pause and asked what did I need her to respect or understand, and to ground + calm myself + reread a few times before replying.

I tried and tried (no excuse for this) replied with 8 points pretty sharply. She rightfully told me my tone was harsh and that it could trigger defensiveness in people. She also distilled my 8 points down to a few themes, and asked me if she understood me. And asked me why the sudden outburst, "how have I not been collaborative? If I wasn't, I would have XYZ", and how could she help me recognise my agency in therapy.

I apologised, said being triggered isn't an excuse for my harsh tone. Said I think I agree with her themes. Listed triggers and expressed worry because it's been many sessions since I was paranoid like that. Asked her what agency in therapy looks like. (Because I don't know and I'm feeling ashamed and stupid because I know I am an adult.)

She didn't reply for 3 working days (she only replies to like 1/3rd of my emails). I was disappointed, really anxious but I thought I was OK. Then another trigger happened, so the paranoia is now back.

She wants to space out sessions as I've been at once a fortnight "for a long time", been seeing her long-time etc. I don't want to over-stay my welcome.

Hugs, QM. I hope you hear back from your T and that you feel better soon. And it's worth asking if you can see her sooner, with the understanding that she may not have any openings.

Is it bad that I don't want to ask because I'll take "No" badly? I'm not like this with anyone else in my life. And I don't want to give her more reason to think I'm getting more dependent because even when I had chronic passive SI and was actively SHing, I still saw her once a fortnight or once a month.

Even the session after a sexual assault where I was incredibly dissociated in the session, it was still "see you in 2 weeks time." And I was lucky or it would have been a month.

Late edit: I realise I could have asked. I was passive and felt she has more acute patients even back then, because I'm fairly sure she does/did.

Penelope is being a super-major love bug this morning!! She's up on my desk rubbing the whole length of her body starting with her head down to her tail along my arm, lays down, then gets up and turns around and does it again. It's hard to type but I love it! She's really turned into a sweet cat, it took a looooong time to go from the wild-child rescue kitten that we first brought home. She didn't "talk" for a long time either, now she's the loudest of the bunch when she wants something! I heart her so much.