Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

At first, he tried to make his point again, (i.e. that he wants me to stop resisting his attempts to get me to talk with him about my relationship with my BF).Then he thought to ask me what words he actually used, and I provided them ("I am tired of holding the responsibility for your mental health"). That made him pause. He said, "did you think I was telling you that I did not want to work with you anymore?" I said, "yes, because the point of therapy is to hold some responsibility for my mental health, and you told me you were tired of doing that." He said that a) that is not the point of therapy in his view and b) denied that he felt that way. I told him that I didn't believe him. I said, "the words people use are important, meaningful." He said, "do you think I'm not in touch with something in myself?" I said that yes I thought that.

And then he went on about boundaries and the conditions of treatment and how he doesn't want me to keep getting mad at him for bringing up this topic; he doesn't want to be the one leading me to talk about this. He says I can say, "I don't want to talk about this" but then talk about it anyway, or like give it 20 minutes and then say "that's enough," but that I can't dig my heels in and refuse. He kept saying, "this is the treatment that you have consented to." I told him that it felt like he was asking me to bite my tongue or to magically change my attitude about this topic, and that those things were sh**y ideas. He said that no, he wants me to be more reflective and curious. I said I couldn't just flip a switch and make that happen. And then he went on about how he thinks me getting mad at him is just a distraction so that I won't have to talk about things with my BF.

I'm still furious with him. But also I had a panic attack later in the day and I emailed him in distress, so there's that.

I can't stop thinking about an exchange that happened in my psychoanalytic fellowship last night:

Instructor: I treated a patient four times a week for nine years, and he was very devaluing of me the entire time.
Student: He must have found your relationship to be useful, though, if he kept coming back. You must have been doing good work with him.
Instructor: Maybe, maybe not -- patients can attach to bad objects.

Does anyone else get tinnitus? Mine really bad this morning and is making it hard to concentrate.

Hi Kit--maybe it would help to describe symptoms? Mine are similar to what you describe for a panic attack. Also, tightness in my throat, which makes me feel like I'm choking/can't breathe, which leads the anxiety to escalate (and often causes me to cough--which of course would be an issue in public now with COVID...). The other issue with the throat tightness is if I'm out someplace where I'm eating, then it's very difficult to eat, and then I feel self-conscious because I'm not eating. Then the escalating nausea also leads to increased panic due to my phobia of throwing up (emetophobia).

It really just makes me want to run away and hide someplace. And I feel like everyone's looking at me, including whoever I'm dining/sitting with, along with strangers. Even though for strangers, they likely wouldn't even be noticing. Or, as Dr. T pointed out one time, it could be a case where they're concerned about me vs. thinking I was crazy or being annoyed.

But maybe if I explained symptoms to my mom? Though she'd likely think I was exaggerating or something...or say everyone feels like that.

I've had it for as long as I can remember--it really sucks. I suggest some sort of background noise, whether a white noise machine or even just music or the TV (same for sleeping, though white noise machine a better option there).

I had an awful bout of it when I was a teenager due to aspirin toxicity. Lasted 3 days. It was awful. I feel bad for those who have chronic tinnitus.

I do, as part of my hearing loss. (Of course I can hear the tinnitus just fine.)

Sure it's not an ear infection? That can cause it.

That's my point--they resonate more with people who have an anxiety disorder (or acknowledge they do) than those who don't. I cannot imagine drinking a whole pool, so the comparison doesn't help me.

So the stalking comment *was* a joke or a colloquialism?

No i have always had it. I have slight hearing loss and i am thinking maybe i should see an audiologist again. I havent seen one in years.

I always have the radio on in the background i think its just my anxiety.

Teaching today felt like walking through sand, but the sand was wet and hip-deep. And it was on the upslope of a hill.

In one class a student had her dog on her lap and he was watching the class. I swear the dog was more into the material than any of the humans, including me, were.

Sorry when you said you had a class on campus then went home, were there students in the lecture thestre or were you still doing it virtually on campus?

No, from home. No student has shown up in the lecture theater (I love that term) for at least a month now. It’s usually me talking to 100 empty seats.

Ok that would be dull. Don't you call them lecture theatres? Its what i have always called them but i first went to an old university. A couple of years ago i went to a modern regional university and noticed they were just called rooms unless they were bigger then they were called auditoriums but the auditoriums were smaller than some of the theatres in larger unis.

I usually think of them as lecture halls.

I like theater because teaching is increasingly performative, especially a class that size.

What does this even mean? How can you devalue a therapist? Why do they think they are valuable? What would that even mean? I mean - their narcissism is not the client's problem. I would correct one who called me a patient.

In therapist-speak, a “devaluing” client is one who criticizes the therapist’s methods and/or appears to hate the therapist’s guts.

Something like that. Anyway she said she doesn't think that at all of me. That was when I got all emotional, after she said she doesn't think that of me. I was so relieved I cried. I'm glad I asked though and shared how miserable I had been making myself over the thought of it, because it led to a good discussion about my fear of being wrong or bad or whatever. She asked "When are you just going to let that go?" I said, "I don't know." For once, she didn't call me on the "I don't know".

*waves hand* ME!

At least the first part. And many of them thought the second.

If that is all it is -then of course. I would think every thinking person does it then. But you have to hand it to them - they are good - who else can convince people to hand them money to do nothing and convince clients to accept the labels placed on them by those scam artists. I am most appalled when clients apologize to those grifters for being abused by the grifter.

Wait, is only the therapist judging what devaluing is? I call bias.

What do they want, total acquiescence and adoration?

Yes, yes they do.

Hugs @chihirochild. Sending you care.

Glad you and L sorted it out, @ArtieTheSequal.
@SlumberKitty, I don't get panic attacks but I get really anxious after I send an email to T. Even though she only responds to like one third of them.

Thanks QM.

I finally ordered a new screen protector for my phone after I cracked the last one that day I fell down outside the dollar store. I don't know why it took me this long to order a new one! I pulled off the old one just now because I still hadn't checked to make sure the phone itself didn't crack, and the screen is perfect under the spider-web-looking screen protector. Whew!