Couch 227 - The Safe Couch

Hi Couch,

I have a Couch etiquette question - I'm wondering whether I jumped the gun. So, is it 1000 posts, or 100 pages that is the cap?

Thanks,

Lost

Lost, I think you are fine. I think it is 100 pages. HUGS Kit

My coworker unexpectedly brought me a DutchBros coffee today when she went on her morning break. I wasn't expecting it and it was very good. They are a newish coffee place in town. I had never heard of them before they moved in. They are always really busy so I have never gone there myself. I might have to now because the coffee was really good. No wonder they have long lines! I heard they only take cards though and I like to pay in cash. It helps me keep track better of my spending money then when I use my card. When I use my cash, when it's gone, it's gone. On my card, it's like, unlimited money. Yeah, I wish!

It's 1000 posts. Everyone's pages are unique to themselves, as you can set the parameter (for how many posts per page) in your profile.

I don't understand why people call me a bubble headed paper clip?!

Is there an option to get gift cards for there, maybe? I imagine you'd have to use a credit card to put money on the card, but then you could have a set amount to spend?

Thanks, that's a good idea.

A 1000 posts but some people *cough*unaluna*cough* start new Couches as soon as we’re within 50. So no worries, there is precedent.

I appreciate people starting them whenever! I only start them early sometimes so folks arent stranded couchless in the middle of the night. I never know when someones gonna go on a jumping on the couch binge!

So Dr. T has been giving me a reduced rate (reduced beyond his normal reduction) for the past...9 months or so maybe? We came to an agreement on it for like 3 months, then he's extended it a couple times when I asked. It's due to end May 1, and he had said when he gave that extension that we'd agree to have it go up May 1. In my post-COVID-shot weakened state, I was sort of saying I wished it could be extended for a month or two--well, actually to have an amount between the reduced and regular rate--but that I wasn't asking. And he said, "I said we wouldn't renegotiate." Which made me feel really bad. Not so much that he said he wouldn't, but that I felt bad about even bringing it up at all.

I'm just not ready to stop 3x a week yet (he's fine with that), and going back to the other rate will make it considerably more expensive a week. It's just difficult for me because he's mentioned basically having more clients than he can handle right now. And he'd said how if I had canceled today at the last minute (due to shot side effects), it wouldn't have affected him financially at all. So that sort of hit me in a weird way...

But then after session, I felt guilty about even bringing up the money thing, so I sent him an apologetic email. Saying how I know he's been more than generous with both money and time with me (he hasn't charged for any emails--for any clients--since the start of the pandemic, for example). But that in a way, it felt like a rejection, that he said no renegotiation, even though I know it wasn't one. How I understood if he was irritated or even angry with me for bringing it up, that I hoped the apology would help dampen those feelings. How much of this is really about my anxiety of things changing (like going back to seeing him in person, reentering the world in general post-vaccine, etc.).

So, now I likely wait until morning for a reply, unless he realizes how bothered I'll be and decides to reply this evening (he typically will read emails throughout the day but mostly replies the next morning).

Hugs, LT. I can understand how him saying "I said we wouldn't renegotiate" would sound harsh, especially considering you had just said you weren't asking. I would have felt like a scolded child hearing that. Probably my own "stuff" but when I read that I heard it in a condescending, annoyed tone. I sincerely hope he did not say it the way I 'heard' it in my head!


Conversations between L and I involving money have always been the most anxiety-provoking (for me anyway). I have a firmly entrenched money complex that doesn't want to budge. I'm working on it but it remains.

HUGS LT, I can imagine that was a difficult conversation and I'm sorry you are feeling guilty. What is it with money that brings up feelings of guilt? If I'm not giving it away I'm feeling guilty about money. Sometimes to my own detriment. I hope that you still feel held and secure in your connection to Dr. T. HUGS Kit

LT, your saying how you were feeling but also that you weren't asking - reminds me of something. I have been seeing L in person again for a little while, for which I am hugely grateful, but without our usual hug as I'm leaving of course. I really miss those hugs. But I've been afraid to tell her that, just to talk about it, even though, like you, I would not be asking for them again, because she might interpret my talking about how I feel about it as asking even if I'm not.

(well that was a comma-heavy sentence haha)

Thanks, Artie and Kit. There is definitely something about discussions on money that brings up guilt. I also really struggle to have discussions with H about anything financial. Like he can just say, "Hey, what were the charges on this credit card?" like to just put it in the budget spreadsheet, and I start apologizing. And he'll say he doesn't care, he just wants to know what they are.


I think it's also difficult to discuss with therapists because it brings up the whole nature of the relationship. That they're ultimately providing a service for money. And the thought of, how, if we could no longer pay them, they'd stop caring (even though they'd likely still care--at least I hope they would--they just could no longer meet with us).

I understand being afraid to tell her that. I think she'd understand though? Especially if you say you know that you can't right now because of COVID (I assume that's why, right?) But I get what you mean, how if you mention it, it will still *seem* like you're asking for it, even if you say you aren't.


I think it's going to be difficult for me to start seeing Dr. T in person again next month without being able to shake his hand, but I have no idea when, if ever, he'd be comfortable with that again. He intends to meet without masks (though clients can request he wear one), and will only meet with vaccinated clients. But he also intends to stay 6 feet apart, which of course would make it impossible to shake hands.

Me too, Kit. I think that's what my money complex is filled to the brim with - guilt. I don't know where it comes from specifically, except something from my childhood. That's why I'm struggling so much with H and I's plan to move to a newer house. I feel guilty wanting that, even though it makes sense to want to live in a newer home as we are both approaching retirement. Less maintenance, etc. Our current house is like 35 years old.

Oh yep, I should have said that, we stopped the hugs because of COVID. And we still stay 6 feet apart and she took the water pitcher/glasses out of her office.

Maybe you can do an elbow bump instead of a handshake? I've seen people doing that in various places like at physical therapy.

Although even an elbow bump would be closer than 6 feet so....

I kinda like this having half a day off in the middle of the week. I started on the 2nd slipper for my brother (made the first one back in Feb), went through a box of junk from a closet and threw out most of the stuff that was in it, and ate a bowl of ice cream. Now I think I am going to go read or maybe play a computer game.

Info tried telling me yesterday that she paid me. I couldn’t let that go by, so “how?” Answer: “I pay you with my time and attention.”

Um, no. That is not how it works. Or does she think I randomly give her money for being awesome?

Challenged that this was not logical, she responded “Only if you use adult logic.”

LT, what your post suggests to me is that to you money is a way of keeping score in your relationship with your therapist: does he care enough to do x money-wise? If he doesn’t need your money, maybe he doesn’t need you.

ETA: there’s no real reason for a therapist and a client who are both vaccinated not to hug or shake hands, especially since they’ve just spent 45 minutes together indoors. Info’s been offering hugs at the end of session. (Maybe that’s how she “pays” clients.)

Speaking of guilt, though not about money in this case, I am feeling guilty about being hospitalized for mental health when I've had to be hospitalized on a 72 hour hold.


I want to visit my sponsored child through Compassion International (I don't mean right now when the pandemic is going on but afterward when they are back to doing trips again) but you do have to pass a background check (which I appreciate for the safety of the children and the team members) only I wonder if PSYCH HOSPITAL would come up on the check and disqualify me? I don't have any arrests or anything like that, just stays in a psych ward. But since we are dealing with vulnerable children here, I wonder what all they check. I asked their customer relations team but they gave a non-answer. Something like, we are not able to assist you at this time, as we are not doing any trips, once we are on schedule to do trips again you can fill out an application and see what transpires. Turds. Like why can't you answer the question?


I'm saving up anyway. Sort of. Doing my best to. When they do trips they go to each of the countries they sponsor children with every two years so who knows when their trip to Ethiopia would be and I don't have an idea of the cost. So I'm just trying to save generally. Next year my finances will be much better off because I will have paid off my last credit card and my car. So then I will be able to save a lot quicker. If I don't give it all away to charity.

I just feel guilty now about my psych holds. And worried that it's going to keep me from visiting my sponsored child. And my anxiety won't be squashed until I pass the background check which could conceivably be months or years away from now. Bah.

They're all over Oregon. Guess they're moving south. I went once and they were way too friendly for my taste. "How are you doin'? You have any good plans for today?"

Good to know. That would annoy me too. Just give me the blankety blank coffee thank you.

Maybe you should both get those hands on a stick they use for dog training and shake with those. Like these: https://heathermackenzie.files.wordp...andsmedium.jpg

So what would have come next if he hadn't shut down this line of thought? You're worried about your ability to cope with fewer sessions? You're worried about negotiating the larger hit to the household budget with your H if you don't reduce session frequency? You're stressed about even having to make that decision? You'll miss your T and you feel shame about that? You wonder if the relationship with your T would change? You feel powerless around issues of money? I love hypothetical statements like that in therapy, and I'm sorry Dr. T made assumptions about what you meant (that you were asking when you explicitly said that you weren't) rather than exploring the meaning of the desire with you.

Well, I sent in my appeal for the rental assistance. Fingers crossed! It would help us with $17k.

I talked to L this morning. She helped calm me.

I, too, feel uncomfortable about talking money and finances with L. I feel bad not paying her full fee especially considering how much H spends. Like if we could afford xyz, why can't I afford her rate. She says she has it built into her practice, but I still feel a lot of guilt.