This week has been an absolute roller coaster ride. My previous post was about my therapist retiring. Of course, that consumes our thoughts and causes us to worry greatly so I have been emailing with her because I can't feel like I'm left hanging with all of this.

She has done a lot of reassurance - that she won't let go until we're ready, that she will continue to see us, that she just needs a 'break' and will likely come back for part-time practice and that we are one of the people she definitely wants to see again while she's doing that. Her office will be an hour and a half away, but if I move to where graduate school is it would be only 30 minutes. She has done a lot of calming the last week trying to tell us it will be ok - that we will make it - we will get through it. All I have to do is have faith. We were accepting this and taking it in, feeling a lot better.

Then, what I think was a poor choice of words, dropped a bomb once again on our world.

The little ones had told her how she had changed since Christmas. She doesn't say "I love you" at all. This makes them very upset - they do not understand how one can love you one week and then decide to take it away - it reinforces our belief we are unlovable and that we can "lose love" because we're so awful. With the help of some bigs we wrote out an email for one of the littles, writing out his concerns of him saying it all has changed etc. Well, she denied things have changed, but in the same email said that she "wished she didn't use that word" (love). This caused an IMMEDIATE shut down of the little boy who was the first alter to front to her, and the one struggling with the loving feelings. He took it as regretting the whole relationship and regretting loving us.

Thursday is a decision day. She is making efforts to continue to see us even after she moves away. She is making efforts to calm and work with us. However, the email with the little one has thrown us into a loop. If he shuts down, and one of the core little girls follow suits, there is no point in continuing - they are the ones that need to be worked with in therapy first for us to work through some of the yuck stuff.

I do have to say though - after one of the "protectors" emailed her about the little boy shutting down she emailed us RIGHT AWAY and told us she didn't NOT mean that she regretted our bond/love. However we are getting really mixed signals...

Thursday is going to be a nerve-wrecking day where we will either come to a middleground, or mutually choose to walk away from eachother.

[Perna]

Very difficult for the littles to understand there are many expressions of the word love but that the bond is there, that that particular expression is safe. The word only means one thing to the littles even though it has much more texture and meaning overall, some of which is not appropriate for therapy.

I wish you all luck on Thursday, hope you find a way through all this and that some of the protectors can understand the nuances enough to help the littles with them.

[MissCharlotte]

(((stormy)))

I have been struggling with what part of me perceives as mixed messages from
T. It is devastating to hear one thing and feel another. And, it is also difficult to integrate those things that our adult self knows are healthy and okay, sometimes because our child self doesn't know these things yet? Just a thought.

Peace.