[krazibean]

i think about my T 24/7 and it can't be healthy. I think about her before bed, first thing in the morning, when i'm driving, when i'm working. all the time. i have her voicemails saved and i listen to them when i want to hear her voice. which is all the time. I imagine myself in her office and try to recall little comments she made to me. I try to feel her comfort. I miss her all the time. I count down the days until i see her on my computer. I cry out her name when i'm upset. Therapy is not just a part of my life, it IS my life, and my life consists of living between sessions. I know it can't be healthy. T and i have talked before about my "need" for her and how she can't be there the way i want her to be. I'm afraid to tell her these feelings because i don't want to be rejected again. I don't know why i'm posting this because you all probably already know or feel the same thing. I guess i'm just looking for reassurance that its normal, even though its not healthy?

[Perna]

Throw out the normal, healthy, unhealthy words. It serves its purpose. The trick is to figure out what purpose it serves for you to think about your T, what it "protects" you from thinking about instead or how it helps you in some way that still allows it to change over time.

How long have you been seeing this T? I saw my T the first time for 9 years and most of that was for "support" because I didn't have much of a life and it was hard for me to function in the life I did have (work, friends, etc.). But over time I could see that things changed such that when I got to year 8 or so and a job interview for a "dream" job, I was able to notice in the interview things that I'd learned from therapy and could use. I was indeed getting "better".

I still use my T's name as a "talisman" when I'm unhappy or hurt, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, it gives a bit of comfort and allows a "centering" to happen.

i totally understand. my first few years of therapy were like this.. Im starting to feel more seperate and hopefully a little more healthy - at least some days.

[krazibean]

i hate it but at the same time im scared to not "need" her. i'm scared if i don't need her she won't be there or something. i dunno. either way i lose...

does needing someone have to mean you lose? what about your yesterday and your today tells you that?

[Kiya]

krazybean... i am just entering that stage. i've been avoiding it for awhile. i keep thinking, "i wish she'd call". i know she won't - she doesn't read my emails until 15 min before session. she has no idea how hard this week is and how far away wed. still is. she doesn't know i did SI again yet and i can't call her to tell her.
i wrote her a long email about all this, and that i need some clarifying things; i need to know if we're working long term (since we just started), i need to know if she'll "keep" me because i'm MPD/DID and that is a hard road for t's. i want her to be at choice about it as much as i am. but since i am starting to get attached, i need to know if she's gonna go the distance before i fully attach.
i'm really scared to need her, too. i'm scared it will make me weak - open up all my defenses and leave me helpless in between sessions.
every hour or so, there is the same whispered-voiced plea 'i wish she'd call"... the the scolding from within for needing her. i almost wish i had the corage to call and just tell her it's a hard week -just for her to know that. but i can't - i can't need her that badly. not yet.
k

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Krazibean,

Yeah. It's rough, needing T and thinking about T all the time. And yeah, it's normal, whatever that is. How long have you been seeing T?

I am going through a phase now where I am pushing him away (mentally) between sessions. I wonder how long that will last?

Peace

(((Krazibean)))
I feel for you! I think about my T a lot, too. I can't imagine a time when I won't need him anymore, although I'm told that there will come that time. I guess we'll just wait and see . . .