how does talking help?

This is a real question I have - for those of you who feel therapy is useful - do you know how it helps? Sitting and talking to a stranger made no sense to me and I have no idea how it was supposed to help. It didn't but I don't know what was supposed to be going on. I asked the therapist and she just flat lied and said she did not know.

I think it might depend on what the individuals issue is before they start therapy?

Personally I have never been seen or heard or understood since I have been alive. People always wanted me to be something else, or to use me.

I have experienced abuse and different types of trauma, from people I know and people that were meant to care for me.

Psychotherapy (when with the right therapist) provides a non judgemental and accepting place for who I am. They are curious about who I am and accept me as a whole. To build trust with another person when you haven't been able to trust people in your life can be healing and help you work through your issues ...and help you feel like you are enough as you are, or give you the confidence to grow in to who you want to be.

One thing I struggle with is I frequently feel like the therapist is just 'saying what I want to hear' or going through the motions and techniques they learned. It's hard to feel the authenticity there, and I have no way to prove they actually care about me. But it's all I have available so I try to work with it.

Sorry if this isn't very clear, just trying to explain how it has helped me.

I personally find it cathartic. No one in my life ever listened—actually cared to listen— to what was going on inside my head. Nobody acknowledged that mental health is important. So I guess it feels validating to me, like I matter. I also find the relationship healing, like he fills a hole that has been there since I was a kid.

For me talking helps with immediate issues that have a straight forward fix, social skills training/practice, and understanding any revelations that I may have. Life changes are different. They occur by doing, not analyzing what I need to do to make those changes. I come up with my own solutions and execute them without anyone's help.

Talking always made me feel better. Of all the therapists I've seen the only benefit has been getting to talk to someone, even if they didn't have any help to offer. I have one friend in the world and talking to them also makes things better, but they're not paid to pay attention and I don't want to burden them with my issues, so I don't unload as much as I would like. I guess I could also just as easily go to a bar and bother the bartender, but I don't drink or smoke.

I try to journal and that does help get the crap out of my head, but it doesn't feel the same without the other person hearing it. Like I'm talking into the wind. Alone. Which is why I probably post too much here.

For me, part of it was having someone who understood and could point out patterns of thought and relationship that I wasn’t able to identify from my individual experiences. She heard my trees and was able to tell me about the forest.

In my case there was also a lot of intentional and unintentional gaslighting going on in my life. I really needed someone to hear my experiences and let me know I could trust my own experience and thinking. Sometimes I’d hear things come out of my own mouth and think—whoa that doesn’t make sense. Just the act of articulating them to another person helped me realize how irrational things had gotten.

For me, with L anyway (not the first 2 t's I tried) it's a lot what Lost said above - she listens without judgement and accepts me for who I am. Having her sitting there talking with me and accepting every part of me even the parts I hate - helped me to gradually start accepting all of me as well. She's been kinda like a guide holding a lantern for me walking beside me on this journey to light the way. I hated myself for so much of my life. And talking with her, learning to first accept myself, who I am, and then finally actually finding grace and love for myself - I feel like therapy this time around has been instrumental in getting me there. I've grown in a lot of ways over the years. I'm still going because there's always more to learn about myself, always more self-growth to find, and it really has become something almost like a spiritual practice, this inner work. There's just something about the connection that I feel with her. Like, she really sees me. I don't feel genuinely seen really anywhere else.

Also what Lost said - I struggle too with when L says something that sounds like "what i want to hear" or like she quoted it out of a textbook. I didn't used to call her out on that, but I sure do now. Most of the time she sounds authentic and from the heart and that's what I respond to. I don't want to hear something that sounds unnatural and textbook-y.

She watches for patterns in what I talk about - I'm not good at seeing those in myself (I guess a lot of people aren't) so it's very helpful when she points them out to me.

Ok I need to stop now. I don't know if I answered your question or not, stopdog.

eta: what WFS said: "She heard my trees and was able to tell me about the forest." so eloquent and true for me also.

I just thought of another thing. She asks really good questions. And when I actually take the time to sit down with said questions between sessions and work on answering them, good stuff results.

Why does talking help?

For me, it helps to have a different perspective on a situation. Most of the time, there is a real possibility that I am beating myself up for no reason. I am aware of this, and yet find it difficult to stop.

I feel it is easier to understand what is going on in my head if I can voice it in the presence of somebody who cares and wants to understand. I have had experience with therapists who do neither, and that doesn't help.

When I cannot articulate the thing that is bothering me, it wears me down. Doing this in the presence of a compassionate other brings something that feels like peace.

I find Info most useful when she lets me rant or otherwise get things away from me. Generally speaking her responses are not useful or helpful, though she occasionally surprises me. She is just a bit more effective as a listener than a cat or a wall.

I don’t know if that is exactly what you mean by talking, though. Do you mean conversation? The exchange of ideas? Validation?

ETA: I would actually not be surprised if therapists had any real idea (that would satisfy someone as logical and fact-oriented as yourself) how therapy helped, precisely.

Talking with my T helps me to notice when I am making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, or my thinking is distorted in some way. I think these are hard things to realize without another person's help. In general I think it helps to have another person to challenge my perspective, otherwise (like many people) I tend to confirm my own biases and preconceived ideas, even if I'm trying not to.

My T also encourages me to spend time talking about emotions, ideas, fantasies, etc. that I tend to shut down because I think they are uncomfortable or unrealistic. This helps me to understand how I really feel about things and consequently to live in a way that is more honest and generally makes me happier.

One way my T helps me is by pointing out the dysfunctional interpersonal crap I do (e.g. “punishing” someone I’m upset with by retreating from them and sulking privately and forever holding resentment) and helping me find less-stupid ways of handling things (e.g. waiting until I am calm, talking to the person about what happened that made me upset, and making a plan for navigating similar issues in the future).

Speaking you emotions brings them out of the cellar and into the workshop where they can be processed and broken down for disposal.

Ranting about my person's illness was one useful thing because it didn't matter what the therapist thought or was feeling and I could just tell her to stop saying idiotic things unlike people I actually care about when they said stupid things about it.
I did not particularly find the therapist validating but I wasn't looking for that. I am not certain I could say the woman was more effective than my cat.

I appreciate the responses but if what is being described is all those people are selling - it would not have been something I ever tried if they had explained what you all are describing.

My basic reaction to your basic post heading question is "it doesn't". Therapy is much more than talking for me. Now, to read your actual post and the comments.....

For me, there's two parts. One is that I get insight into why I do certain things and how I can change them from somebody else, for which I have to share a lot by talking.
Two is that I find that repeated talking about traumatic memories decreases the amounts of flashbacks I have. Probably because my brain gets used to going over it again and again while not being completely emotional about it.

Talking helps me alot. Makes me focus.

I went into therapy primarily to have an objective set of eyes on my depression and other symptoms. I knew that at the time, I probably wasn't always as self-aware as I needed to be, and I didn't feel comfortable putting that kind of burden (not quite the right word maybe) on people in my personal life.

I found therapy to be about more than just talking. I talk all day, but therapy was more about verbalizing what was going on inside me that I normally wouldn't talk about. Getting those unspoken thoughts out of my head and into objective ears (meaning a person with no personal stake in my life), was cleansing to me. It was sort of like a relief valve on a pressure cooker.

Having the added benefit of those objective ears being someone who had training in psychology, gave me a person who could help direct me toward insight for those unspoken thoughts, so they weren't just a tangled mess of thoughts anymore. It helped me untangle them and make some sense of them because, for me, they were so voluminous and overwhelming, I didn't know where to start on my own.

Over time, I got better at being able to read and understand my thoughts and untangle them on my own, and eventually I worked my way out of needing those objective eyes to help me.

This is very similar to my experience. I think I've even used the phrase "relief valve" with my T before to express how some sessions, I just needed to get some thoughts and emotions out. And then I would feel lighter afterward. And could go back and manage with my daily life obligations.

In being able to share those thoughts in a therapy session, it also helps keep me from dumping them all over my personal relationships all the time. I mean, sure I dump my share, but I'd like to think it's a more manageable amount, particularly for my H. T has referred to it as "outsourcing" before, like outsourcing some of my needs to therapy (and friends).

Also, I can share things knowing they will be kept confidential. I might share some thought that I know sounds really awful, but I know it won't, say, get back to a family member. And my T doesn't react as if they're awful (well, I imagine he has some limit!) and is accepting and validating of most of what I share (with some exceptions, and he will definitely challenge my thinking at times).

I guess, in a way...he's sort of like a diary that talks back? And that I don't have to worry about someone finding under my mattress.* But also, as you mentioned, someone with psychological knowledge who could help identify and process some of the thoughts I'm having.

*That's continuing the diary analogy, to clarify!

Telling the therapist things I would never tell other human beings was not a relief or release for me. And when the therapist responded - I felt even more like an idiot for saying them. There was no making sense or untangling of anything. I do believe the therapist thought it happened -she one time made reference to working through something and I responded with wth are you talking about because my experience was definitely not that. The only thing that therapy left me with was confusion and a feeling of being duped (these are not how I normally react to interactions with other human beings).

I'm sorry therapy didn't help you, it's definitely not for everyone! In a perfect world, if you could invent a type of therapy that would've helped you, what would that look like?

I don't think talking really helps me to be honest. With my former T, what helped was the relationship that we had, though it hurt like the dickens when she got sick and we had to quit. Just having someone there supporting me, loving me, not judging me, even if she wasn't able to help with all the stuff from my life, even like with the self harm. She helped some but I didn't stop with her. And that was the whole reason for going to therapy in the first place.


I didn't have a relationship with ex T or with Dr K although I do with my pdoc. So I think that's why I am not getting anywhere with ex T or Dr. K. I am trying a new guy via Betterhelp let's just call him J because I already have a Dr. J (my pdoc). He seemed to be more than a little concerned about my level of safety and it frankly irritated me. So we are not starting out well. We'll see how the chat session goes.

I don't understand how a relationship with a therapist does anything. I have read it is what those people say. But it absolutely is like mandarin to me.

"Norcross's second finding makes you stop and think: "When therapists treat patients, they follow the prescriptions of their theoretical orientation. But the amazing thing is that when therapists treat themselves, they become very pragmatic. In other words, when battling their own problems, therapists dispense with the psychobabble and fall back on everyday, commonsense techniques—chats with friends, meditation, hot baths, and so on. In a survey by Guy and James Liaboe, Ph.D., for example, therapists said they were hesitant to enter therapy "because of feelings of embarrassment or humiliation, doubts concerning the efficacy of therapy, previous negative experiences with personal therapy,..."

I answered the woman's question - then what was supposed to happen after that? The therapist refused to answer or lied- how the hell does one know?

"The dismaying truth about psychotherapy is that sometimes it just isn’t very effective despite the therapists best intentions and extensive training. Overall, outcome research gives quite pessimistic results, suggesting that only 60% of clients benefit from therapy, and 15-24% of adolescents leave therapy in a worse state than when they started (Lambert)."

Dismaying as it may seem, a success rate of 60% is actually pretty amazing when it comes to treating any kind of human ailment. If a new drug were successful in treating 60% of patients or if it ameliorated symptoms by an average of 60% it would be hailed as a major breakthrough. With respect to harm, a number needed to harm of 4-6 is not that unusual in any type of treatment.

The other question is whether those 15-24% who are worse post-therapy are being compared to a no-treatment control group. (ie were they harmed by therapy or is the natural progression of the condition that a subgroup of its sufferers worsens? What if the no treatment group is 30-40% worse after the same period elapsed?)

As you no doubt know, I fully believe that therapy has the potential to harm. My experience is that there are many people of very questionable competence practicing therapy. I also question, as was brought up in recent thread, whether therapists have a “first do no harm” ethic. As a profession, I don’t think they truly grasp the tremendous potential of a normal, average therapist to cause harm in discharging their duties (like leaving out therapists who are overtly unethical or abusive).

Still, as a stats/epi nerd, I’d argue that the study you cite actually supports psychotherapy as a reasonable treatment modality.