Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Yeah I agree. I think though that part of me wants to feel something special regarding a therapist. Even though that’s not good. I guess I’m just kind of desperate to replace my transference T and so far it hasn’t happened. But I think that’s more healthy and a good thing that I don’t have any feelings about the 2 therapists I’ve seen.

I was asked by my current T who’s the same age and who’s kinda more attractive about what it was about the transference T and I couldn’t give her an answer because I don’t know myself what was so different about her.

So, I sent an email to the lady I saw on Wednesday, on Wednesday evening, but it's now Friday evening and I didn't hear back from her yet. I send another, just to make sure she got the first really. It's like being in a restaurant and your order isn't arriving. You want to be patient but you also don't want to just sit there like a lemon when in actual fact something has gone awry!! That juggle between how soon is too soon to ask. Ah well, see what happens I guess. Maybe she got cold feet about working with me. Maybe she is considering a way forwards. Maybe she is just very busy. Maybe something happened to her like it happened to you. Maybe she is trying to show me the pitfalls of email. Maybe my email got lost or deleted by accident. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Go away thoughts, not being helpful right now!!

Current T you haven’t responded to my email. And it’s Friday and my appointment is Monday morning. I’m kinda worried you are not going to respond and are just going to yell at me about the crisis emails since you already told me last session that you don’t sugarcoat things and you are a very straight forward person.

So I guess I’ll just see what happens on Monday. I hope I didn’t blow things.

Hi T. Think I will make it through? I hate depression.

Dear T,
Uh, what was up with your massaging your shoulder with the ball for much of session? I imagine you have some sort of injury/soreness, but it was still kind of weird?


I'm glad I managed to address the vacation thing, even if it came out a bit awkwardly. Particularly the caring about you thing (though of course you already know that). It seems like you've just come to accept that I feel that way about you. And are no longer weirded out by it (or at least you hide it well!). And good to know that you'll manage to fit me in twice that first week. With it being the first week of school, I'm going to be a ball of stress, which I know you realize.
Love,
LT

So much for my defiant talk. I gave in about the room.

Creepy guy came over under the pretext of needing my charger. Wanting to talk to me about how I actually feel about him. Asking if I wanted to date him. That we could try it for a while if it worked it worked .That he would be okay with not doing sexual stuff.

I just told him I'd get back to him. I don't do relationships and I don't expect anyone to fall in love with me.

Thank you for such a kind and helpful reply to last night’s email, truthfully for some reason I wasn’t expecting a response like that, in spite of it being from you. Which just shows while I’m making progress, I still need to try and be less cynical.

Hi R,

What you said yesterday about the theatre company newsletter got me thinking...and I composed an email in the afternoon. I've just sent it.

I don't like making a fuss, but when the end result of the original email was more pain...it was the only thing I could do.

I would rather not talk about the return to face to face, until you know what's going on. I struggled with your bringing it up towards the end of last session.

I'm in a vulnerable place at the moment. I can only view the world through a one inch picture frame. Bigger picture is beyond me.

Dear T,
I'm really worried about your upcoming trip. I know I expressed some of it today. And it sounds like you're worried, too? But maybe I need to talk about it some more or at least fears of what could happen if you get sick.


You mentioned recently that client having long Covid, where he coughed every other sentence. And you said if that happened to you, you could no longer do your job. And I have this thought of, if you were no longer able to do your job, then your family and friends could still talk to you. But I could probably never talk to you again. Like maybe I could send an email update or something, and you could maybe reply with something brief (like "thanks for the update"). But the thought of just suddenly not being able to talk to you again sort of crushes me. I know it could happen for other reasons, or be a circumstance where no one could talk to you, but in this sort of circumstance, where you'd be alive and mostly functional but would have to retire suddenly from your job...and because I'm just a client, I would essentially cease to exist in your life--that's really difficult for me to deal with. (Or, God forbid, if you didn't survive, it's not like I'd be able to go to your funeral or would maybe even know when/where it was.)

So, OK, I guess we need to discuss this, no matter how awkward it might be or what harsh truths you might need to share (like "Nope, I'd never be able to speak with you again" or worse, "Why would I speak to you again? You wouldn't be my client anymore," though I don't think you'd say that in those words). If you could maybe possibly say that in that sort of scenario, I could still talk or otherwise communicate with you on occasion, even like once every month or two, that would really help. Or...something. Or maybe I need to know the harsh truth?

Love,
LT

Hey E--I feel a little better after our first art therapy session tonight. It is expensive, but I think it'll be worth it.

So, funny story, through various coincidences and links I know who one of T's other clients is. Yesterday they got retweeted into my feed. So I went to their profile to mute it, so that I wouldn't see it accidentally like that, and saw a tweet about "flirting" with T.

I do not really know how I feel about this. I wish I had not seen it.

That’s so awkward, Salmon77. It’s unfortunate they posted that before you could mute them.
Dear T, thank you for being you. That’s not even in response to anything you’ve said lately. I hope you enjoyed the book. I like the idea of other clients reading it and getting some amusement, too.

Oh T, where are you? I think I am resigned to doing this without you now, but that doesn't mean that this is resolved. It isn't, and I dearly hope that you can see that. My trust in you is still there, please don't destroy it by not accepting that we do need to finish this properly. Honestly, I think it will take more than one session, but I am also aware that it can't go on forever, either. Trust me to know what is right for me, please. Trust me and allow me to maintain that trust in you. Please don't walk away from this, from me. Let me walk away from you. I hope you are ok. I love you.

I'm at capacity at the moment, and really don't know how to hold everything that's being asked of me.

Anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious etc.

t, i’m so sad and don’t even know why. see you wednesday.

e, i already have thoughts on a couple of pieces for art therapy homework. i guess that’s good!

I never got an email from you but I did get a confirmation email and text this afternoon about our appointment tomorrow Which thankfully is still in person.

I feel like I’ve just gone off my rocker but I feel like if my next therapist can only do virtual sessions it won’t be too bad. I’ll just do the session in my moms car.

The car session worked that one time and the minus zero degree temp really lit a fire under my *** and the session was super productive.

I haven’t thought much about transference T all weekend. I thought I saw my unprofessional T in a drive thru and I kinda freaked out. Then once I saw that it was not her I said to my mom “she really traumatized me didn’t she?” And my mom agreed. I also thought I saw her walking behind me in the grocery store.

Is this me just being paranoid or did she truly scare me?

I saw the full moon tonight and wonder if you saw it too. I took a picture to send you tomorrow. The nightmares have started again. Guess I have to learn to trust someone else now. Hopefully it will come a little easier this time than last, but three nightmares in three sleeps is making me wonder!! Miss you.

I wish that you were on what I was on but you were only on my mind.

Trying very hard at the moment. Have scheduled an email that you will receive the day before our next session. I've sent some notes I made after today's...episode.

One specific line, in one specific song, reduced me to rubble.