Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I hope I ask you the question today and we focus on that today and Thursday as you will be gone the following 2 weeks. And I hope you don't leave it to me to decide. Because I've already decided that though I want one of those phone calls, I will not ask for one - only accept one if you feel like it would be in my best interest. And if you do not offer one, I will hurt and I will believe that you do not care or at least feel that it is in my best interest. I already want to quit so badly.

And I am not so sure we've solved anything anymore.

Looking forward to our next session, hopefully I won’t have any breakdowns but I’m sure it will be emotional. Actually, I think I feel comfortable with the idea of getting upset in front of you and D, as much as I hate crying in the first place. But these are ‘big’ things we’re going to be unpacking, so who could blame me?

I drank the tea that reminds me of my transference T yesterday before my therapy session with my current T. I figured maybe drinking it before therapy with this therapist will help me get over my transference T. I think it worked a bit. I haven’t thought of my transference T since yesterday morning. And I’m not expecting an email from her anymore. Now I’m just checking my email out of boredom.

But I’m hoping that this thought pattern is permanent and I can finally get rid of transference T from my mind. It was 6 months yesterday that we ended things.

I do sometimes think of the part of the song Wrecking Ball that goes “don’t you ever say, I just walked away” because there were reasons.

I'm going to see how long I can avoid you before someone (aprn probably) forces an appointment on me.

I had a session with J today. I had kind of forgotten that I actually quite liked it there, even if the room is very small and even if I'm not sure how we would work creatively. She has the stuff, so must be able to make it work, but I can't see it, for now. She had the chairs side by side ready, which was good.

I will be seeing her for three sessions before I am due back to see B again. Just trialling. Seeing how things go.

Sat here in bed though I think I realised why I thought B was quite good. She was active in the therapy. She didn't just wait for me. She took the initiative to move her chair around. She asked me how I would like the room in future. She asked questions and she had the suggestion about using the paper to write out th boundaries. She didn't just wait for me, and I think that is why I thought she was quite good. I don't like her use of the word boundaries though, and I don't like her boundaries either, but I'm conscious that that could be old stuff talking. I never was given many boundaries as a Teenager, and I rebelled against any that were set, so it's not something I have a particularly healthy experience with. Maybe that in itself is a reason to give her a go.

She said she totally understood that I was in a process of finding someone to work with, and that it was no problem to cancel if I felt I needed to. She said that she advocates finding the right person to do this with, which is a good thing I think.

I didn't think I would, but I told J a little bit about our relationship today, how it enabled th integration of Little One, how you said you loved me on that final day, about the work we did together.

She is the third person now to mention speaking to you. I don't think you would go for it though, for some reason. I don't know why, if all these people seem to think it is something that can be done.

She talked about maybe me trying to take back some control by setting a date, by which I would close the door on you if you hadn't got in touch. I guess this is what led to me opening up about the work we did and about the relationship because I remember saying that I didn't think I would ever close the door on you. Not for your sake but for mine... It feels cruel, like shutting the door on Little One. I said I would always leave the door open, even if I didn't think you were on the other side anymore.

I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you will come back in some way.

Well that went about as badly as it could go

I don't know what to do. I can't stand the new pdoc and it really bothers me that the 2 of you don't have a connection like you and Dr. W. did. I feel bad because you're having to hear all my complaining, but I don't know what to do.

I'm worried about how some of what I have to say might come out, but I've reached a point where I need tomorrow's session.

Speak to you in the morning.

I told my mom in the car today that everything that happened to me in the last 2 years (I was talking about good things) happened as a result of my transference T. So I don’t know. Besides that conversation I just had a brief thought of her and I had this like weird feeling that felt like it got caught in my throat.

But mainly today I’m worried about going back to virtual with my current therapist and having this history repeat itself of having to say goodbye to another therapist through telehealth.

There’s talk going on about that stuff happening. But if she’s against the vaccine then maybe she’ll just choose to stay open. Honestly I only saw 2 other therapists in that office one time. And I’ve been the only client in the waiting room the last 2 times. So I’m wondering if everyone but her has already gone back to virtual.

I’m also wondering though if I’m putting myself and my family at risk continuing to see her in person. It’s just a weird time in the world.

I am ready-freddy for Friday to get here!


I plan on spending some more time with my dreams after I get off work today. I have I suppose been avoiding doing that round-table kinda thing with that one dream, I always seem to avoid those. I dunno. It's just weird, I guess. But I'll do it.

there's a lot more of them in the past week and a half since we last met. I've worked with a couple but not all of them yet. Too much fertile ground lately, for pete's sake. I'm trying to see you less often, but my annoying dream-maker appears to want me to see you more often. Navajo rabbit. But no! I know how to work with my dreams. I just haven't been doing it again. At least there's still time before Friday for me to do so... there will be no more 'dream dumping' and I mean that.

I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you.

Why does this happen? Why do you say hurtful stuff at the end of session? Why do we have ruptures when we have breaks? I've always assumed it was my stuff but I was talking to a friend tonight who said they wondered about your attachment patterns and that was a bit of a revelation to me.

Emailing you is the last thing I want to do. But I don’t know what else to do. Hopefully I can just sleep this off.

I might have flipped **** to much yesterday. My husband doesn't want to talk about anything until I get home. He doesn't know that spikes my anxiety. I imagine them all gaining up on me when I get home.

Hey L! Well, I did that round table thing you suggested with the 4 from that one dream. I may or may not share it with you. I'm tempted to judge and call it "stupid" but it's what happened, so... anyway. Now I'm working on typing up all the stuff I've been scribbling in my journal for the past week and a half. I think I'm going to need 4 hours on Friday. Ha ha!

Hi T. Why do you put up with me? It seems I am never willing to change, and yet you are still here.

But literally too. I seriously want to ask you for a double session. I am working all this overtime right now so why not?! I wonder if you'd do it. I have SO much material for Friday. Way too much. Egads.

Soooo, I went to see another new lady yesterday. I don't think she is the right person for me. She would have been, 5 years ago maybe, but not for this phase of work I don't think. She was lovely, but not very 'robust'. I'm not even sure what I mean by that really, but that was what my gut feeling was.
Something happened though, and she said something, which has given me cause for thought. She started talking about not knowing about my history, but that she could make an assumption, which she said she was trying not to do. Something about me being very hurt.

I started to feel emotional but I refuse to let myself go there, not with someone I don't know. Not in an environment I don't feel safe in. A book I am reading talks about dissociation and likens it to getting in the spaceship and departing the body/room when things get too much. I think I could liken what happened to that. She asked how I was feeling, because she was feeling emotional, and thought maybe that was because of the feelings in the room. Silence. Head turned away. Looking at the cracks in the wall. Nope. Not going there. No way.

Old T got back to me today. In the grand scheme of things 4 weeks is nothing, no time at all, they pass so quickly, usually. But for me, this past 4 weeks have felt like 4 months as I try to get to grips with everything. But she got back to me and said that she has been speaking to someone who she thinks would be a good fit for me and who would be able to work with me in the way that I am used to and the way that I need. But this lady is still finalising premises near me, so isn't in a position to start working yet. She also mentioned that the lady is 'thinking about it', so maybe she won't want to work with me anyway. One of the things Old T has said a few times is that this will likely be 'long-term' work still, whereas you said that maybe this will be short term work, maybe I would only need 6 months now that we have done a lot of the groundwork.

I don't know. I don't know if it will be short term or long term, I really can't get a sense of it at all, swinging between the two is where I am at right now, but I think I need to be open to the possibility that it could be either. Anyway, getting to the point, (you know I like words!) the fact that what she said in the session yesterday caused me to get into that spaceship and fly as far away as I could get leads me to think that maybe this will be long-term work after all.

I wish I had you to help me make this decision. Instead I am doing something that I know you would be pleased about. I am talking to R and I am talking to a friend about it too. Someone who gets it. It's not the same, as it is small snippets here and there. It isn't the focus that a session provides, but it is better than doing it alone, I think.

Oh, something else positive that Old T said was that this lady she know is aware what a commitment this work will be on both sides. I think that's what is putting me off with B, you see, the fact that I will be just 50 minutes in her otherwise very busy week. I don't know that I will be able to go there with knowing that, without feeling like it really is important. Who knows though, I certainly don't! I don't feel like I have a clue what I am doing at the moment.

I'm just trying to find a way forwards as best I can right now, and I guess I should give myself a bit of a break about it.

Thank you for today. I guess you could tell that I really needed the connection. The sodding virus scan didn't help, although the growl was probably more than that.

Well, it was definitely more than that. This is a season where there is so much to talk about that I find it really hard to prioritise. I know that I need to, and it's really bloody hard to do elements of this work whilst we are working remotely.


You are here, and yet you are absent.

You say some nice things to me and I'm all loving you again.

Dear T,
Not sure how I feel regarding the disclosure about having to take your son to the ER while you were on vacation here last month. Especially as I felt like I probably couldn't ask any questions.

I think maybe we need to have a discussion about those sorts of things. I mean, that's something where I completely understand that you might not want to provide any additional information. But there are other disclosures where maybe I want to ask more--where I'd ask followups to pretty much any other person, including someone random I'm chatting with at a restaurant or a colleague I didn't know that well (back when I still worked in an office), but then don't know if it's OK to ask you. I suspect you'd say it's OK to ask, that you may just opt to not answer. But then I worry that I'll feel rejected if that happens. It still might help to know that you won't be bothered by my simply asking the question?

I guess I just don't know where the line is. I knew at one time, but you've redrawn it since the pandemic and share quite a bit more. Like I wasn't sure if it was OK to ask where you were going next week--and I guess I didn't ask you *where*, just the nature of the trip, but I feel like it had become pretty obvious anyway (particularly with your being uncertain of when you'd have to leave for it). So I'm glad you were willing to tell me.

And I'm glad you went ahead and scheduled me for Sun/Tues just in case you find out you need to leave Wed, so that I can still have 2 sessions. That means a lot.

Love,
LT

I’m sorry I sent you that email. I’m sorry if it’s a problem. But it wasn’t a crisis email and I just want some reassurance from you about some stuff that’s been bugging me all day that I did this morning.

Hey T, I almost wrote you an email last night, apologizing for hearing your words, knowing they are right, and still not changing. I realized though that I know what you would say, and you wouldn't be disparaging about it. I guess that is progress?

Hi E, Kind of excited to show you my art tomorrow.

I miss you so much

Thank you for having that conversation with me through email yesterday. I really appreciated it when I sent the first email asking if I could discus something with you and you replied back “of course. I’ll try to answer to the best of my ability or suggest we discuss it further in our next session.

I’m glad we talked about it a bit and discussed my feelings about it since it was so distressing to me.