Couch 232: Not Sully!

Hey couch. Just dropped in to send hugs to all who want/need.

I agree with you. The effects of "the war on drugs."

It's very apparent in the USA how dependent access is on location, quality of insurance which is tied to jobs.

In the UK (friends there), the NHS is a zip code lottery and the wait times for even 6 CBT sessions is awful.

Here there's similar with regards to pain management, sleeping pills, benzos.

Sadly Scandinavia isn't great either. My partner can't get more than 6 telehealth CBT sessions in his rural area.

Do all drivers of luxiry cars have no arms with hands that can hit their indicators when they are changing lanes? I was almost hit by an Audi and a BMW today. Honestly all the effing time.

Thank you .

I almost wish I had a autoimmune thing / physical health thing because then I'd have a physical cause that isn't my fault. So that I wouldn't be judged so much. But ya, I know I don't want to have more health conditions.

I know that I have bad chronic treatment resistant depression, cptsd, DID, and all that can really chew up energy but...
when I have to educate my own psychiatrist (as good as she is)
and GPs tell me I'm a young person (early 30s) with "old people problems"
... and people my age ask me wtf is wrong with me that I can't even work 20 hours a week... I feel so ashamed.

I eat healthy, I do light exercises almost every day yet it's such a struggle and there's no physical health explanation.

I know my likelihood for autoimmune stuff is probably higher than my similar aged bit healthy peers (the ACE study) but I really don't know where to even start. Beyond "I'm always tired all the time."

Ex-MC drove an Audi. (Dr. T drives a Prius.) And I've noticed that, too, with driving here.

Hugs, QM. The mental health cause isn't your fault either, you know...

I was thinking around 4 as well.

That's a good point. A study on the economic costs of the top 5 mental illnesses in my country was done and the results published recently.

I guess I see myself as a economic burden, and blaming myself as well. Feeling like I'm just weak. Doesn't help that someone made a ridiculous complaint against me - work/peer support Zoom thing I facilitate. My job to psychoeducate and of course if people are silent due to anxiety (offered multiple options to ask questions, share their experiences privately etc), I end up talking more. Some completely silent, non communicative dude told the silent male counsellor I talked too much. I didn't even get to defend myself or present my side. Plus part of it felt sexist.

Psychiatrists here don't tend to know much about the mind-body connection, and of course my GP doesn't understand mental health. So I've no explanation for the tiredness or how to solve it.

I don't know what else to do to help myself currently.

I don't know if my new medical provider (Endocrinologist) can help but at least she seemed to be pretty knowledgeable about psych meds and their effects on the body. Apparently, developmental trauma and the DID affects hormones? She ordered a bunch of blood tests to check various hormone levels. I'll see her again in December, she's got a large caseload as one of the few trans friendly, trauma knowledgeable ones in the area.

L just told me some very happy news for her. I'm super happy for her. And I feel jealous and sad for me. I'm crying because I know this is such a good thing for her, and because it hurts me indirectly.

HUGS Scarlet

I just talked to the crisis line and she said something interesting that I'll have to think on. She thinks I'm in love with L. And that's why I'm jealous and sad about her news. I told her I'm not sexually attracted to her, but she said I don't have to be to be in love with her. Is this possible, in your opinion? I'm not sexually attracted to women. And I do love L. What's makes it in love?

Hugs, Scarlet. I don't think you need to be in love with her to be affected by news about her. I think you've mentioned having strong maternal feelings toward her, right? Because it could also be related to that. Or simply jealousy and sadness that it is happening for her, when it's something you want (I assume it is).

I will say that I personally have difficult at times differentiating between "love" and "in love." I think people might define it differently, too. Like what is "love" to me could be interpreted as "in love" by someone else (or vice versa). So, I'm not entirely sure how to answer that.

Ok. Please don't judge me...

L just got engaged. It's a great thing for her. But it means she's even more tied to her partner. And wherever he gets stationed, she'll move to. And then they'll get married and have children, and I'll lose more and more of her. I'm not jealous of her having a good life. I'm jealous that her partner gets to have more of her and is taking her away from me.

Not judging you at all, Scarlet. You also mentioned recently that you were contemplating divorce, so I imagine it could be difficult to hear about someone in the early, happy stages of their relationship as well.

I lost my mind a bit when my T got engaged a few years ago. I don't usually go for the Freudian interpretation of things, but we decided it had Oedipus/Electra complex elements for me. Basically, I (the adult self) am not in love with her or attracted to her, but the child part of me that likely didn't go through that phase with my own parents (due to neglect) was pretty much in love with her and thus saw her partner as an intolerable rival. I still feel flashes of it sometimes, and I see it as a positive thing in terms of emotional development and attachment.

Unrelatedly, I (the adult me) would be pretty upset at the prospect of my T moving away for any reason, so that seems COMPLETELY real and legitimate. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

In therapy today, my individual IOP therapist talked a lot about me needing to trust me that I can handle my emotional needs.

What?!!


I literally have no idea what she is talking about. I know I can handle physical needs that I have like if my car breaks down I am reasonably sure I can deal with that problem. But I have no idea of how to take care of emotional needs. Furthermore I am not sure I am aware what my emotional needs are.

She went on about internal validation verses external validation and how I need more internal validation. So lost. I really have no clue what she is talking about.

Economists call this "moral hazard". People are less careful where they are properly insured.

"In love"? I would prefer a more neutral phase, like "attached to." But the feelings are essentially the same.

It is almost a cliché that the patient regards the therapist as a parental figure. (Unless, of course, the patient is stopdog.)

Then its a fire hydrant. Cliché!

Slumber, i soooo hear you. Did you read the book(s) on Childhood Emotional Neglect? And that other book that the Couch buried in the backyard?

Its like, whats cake? I dont know cake. When do you have cake? Where do you get cake? What does it do and how does it do it? Taking care of emotional needs is cake. Completely foreign. Never had it in our house. Not around me, anyway.

Physical needs is a baloney sandwich. No problem. Got plenty of that.

I wouldn't put much weight in the opinion of someone who doesn't know you except for a phone call.

"In love" seems weird. I do think perhaps "preoccupied" or "overly-absorbed" might be closer. Maybe a bit "obsessed" or in a fantasy state about your therapist seems closer. It sometimes sounds like you spend large portions of your time focused on your therapist - maybe it is a bit of fantasy and it feels preferable to the reality of your relationships in the rest of your life. Being "in love" is a bit of a fantasy feeling - it isn't really the reality of a relationship with a person.

Sounds like your therapist has much to look forward to and is heading toward major life changes. It would seem pretty normal that you would receive that news with some fears and worried anticipation as well as perhaps some envy considering your own recent issues with your own marriage.

Breathe a lot. Sit on it. Change is a process and doesn't happen all at once. This is good news for her, but nothing is happening right this minute. Let things develop as they develop - don't get ahead of things. Try not to overthink. Give yourself the time and space to adjust - you don't need the answers right this very minute.

I am properly insured and i am still courteous and indicate and wait for a break inthe traffic to change lanes.

I have had a really good cry today and feel a lot better i am making a point of not shaming myself for crying and just letting it happen. Its ok to have feelings and it isnt being selfish

Just an fyi: I'm not hoping for a divorce to leave H. We will still be in a relationship just not legally married.

EM - Thank you for your response. It helps to know I'm not alone in these feelings.

I also contacted T. I don't know if she'll get back to me on this because it could be seen as splitting?

I'm not telling L how I feel right now. Least not today. I want her to enjoy her day without having to deal with me.