[nottrustin]

At my appointment this week I said that I realized my employer did not really need me. They are fine when I am out. She replied that realistically were all can be replaced in our jobs and people can move on and be okay. She is as well. If something wer4 to happen to her, all her clients would be okay, find a new therapist and move on . She has no intentions of going anywhere though. I flippantly told her I know the experince. She apologized for bring it up.

We moved on and I knew what her intentions were. I did want to say that her leaving would cause more issues than mine but refrained.

I was fine until the day after my appointment.. I realized that while she cares about her clients if something happened to me she would move on and be okay. Just as we are not that important to our employer ultimately I we are not that important to them. It also caused me to face the old wounds and fears of losing long term therapist. The fears of abandonment and losing people I love or care about. So I put my wall up for protection whcih I havr not needed to do in over 2 years.

I am 99% sure none of this was what she meant. I know that she meant that when it comes to our jobs, somebody else can do our job. They will not be us, do things our way, and it may be difficult/painful but they will be okay.

[LonesomeTonight]

Oh, I'm sorry. I understand how this would particularly affect you because of what happened with your former T. But even without that experience, it would be painful.

I have struggled when my therapist has talked about how we have a "professional relationship" (though he has avoided that phrase lately) and when things like money come up that emphasis the transactional nature of the relationship. And the professional relationship is also why he's willing to say "I care about your well-being" but not "I care about you." (This led to a bit of a rupture at one point.) He's also mentioned something before about how he has no intention of leaving, but you can never know anything for sure (I get his not wanting to make promises that he doesn't know he can keep, like ex-MC did) and that I could just find another therapist if that happened. Which was difficult to hear. Oh, and his existential stuff about how all relationships end at some point, even if it's through death.

That was a long paragraph to say I get why you're reacting this way, even if intellectually you know what her intention was. And I've had the day-later (or hours later) reaction as well--Dr. T has started calling it a "therapy grenade." I forget whether you're able to do outside contact with her. If so, could you maybe send her an email/text or request a phone call to tell her how you're reacting and clarify her meaning? Or to potentially meet with her sooner than the next scheduled session? Hugs, if wanted.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Hugs, that sounds hard to hear, especially given your history, but even if that weren't the case. I think you're right with what she actually meant, but it's difficult to think about regardless and I'm sure many people would be triggered by it.

Be gentle to yourself, it's okay to feel the way you do and protect yourself. It's also great you've already told her right away that this probably wasn't the best comment, it sounds like she understood that. If you can reach out early somehow and feel like that's what you need, that's certainly a good option.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Like the others said, given your experience, that would hurt. Even with my experience, that would hurt. I can understand what she meant, AND still feel like she minimized your feelings and experience. I would discuss this with her. You deserve to be heard and understood.

[nottrustin]

I do have outside contact. So much has happened rhr last few weeks. We have been having more than one appointment a week. I have not needed ouside contact which has been freeing. We have done some great work. That comment triggered so much including fear of being too needy.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think its important to see the difference between “it wouldn’t matter at all if I died” and “the world existed before me and will continue to exist after me and I’m a very tiny detail in the grand scheme of things.”

I think she did you a disservice by turning your statement around and applying it to herself. I think she was awkwardly trying to tell you that no one, no matter their position, is irreplaceable at work. But really, the question is: what is your existential anxiety about? Is there some part of your Work (not your job) that you feel like you’re not getting to?