Couch 234: Ready, Set, Go!

Thanks sd. You're right of course and in the light of day I understand that. Something about that laying awake in bed in the 3-4am darkness that makes thoughts go where they shouldn't, I guess. And it was the first time I have experienced that so I guess it was a little traumatic coming home and finding him gone.

I don't know whether any of these ideas work for you, Artie, but:

1) when I wake up at night and think about something constantly, I try to get up for like 30 minutes, first write down whatever is in my head (so tomorrow morning I can read it back, maybe it was important and maybe just bad thoughts) and then do something that distracts, like read a book, drink a cup of tea... I find that writing it down helps me a lot, also in the evening when I know there's stuff that will otherwise be on my mind.

2) maybe for the time being set aside a certain time each day where you consciously remind yourself of all the good times you had together? Maybe light a candle during it, listen to a song he liked, something like that.


And I think you're aware of this already and everyone has told you here too, but I also want to add, it's not your fault you were gone and lots of animals actually prefer dying alone. Rabbits are the same way for example and two of mine died while I wasn't around, for the third one my parents were gone (and he tried to hide from me, though as a kid I didn't understand and tried to get him to come out). I think in theory this would even make it easier for others, you can remember them the way they were before, not the things that happen in the end. Just because you weren't there in the final moment doesn't mean you didn't care or he thought you abandoned him. He probably thought of all the nice things he experienced with you guys.

Guinea pigs are similar to rabbits in hiding illness (as prey animals) and dying alone. Of the three I've had that have passed, two died while alone (one while I was at work). The other, who was young and had a heart condition, seemed like he held on until we were there. All the deaths were difficult for me, in different ways. I hope the two I have now are with me for a long time (well, long for guinea pigs--they tend to have a life span of 5-8 years, and mine are 2 years old).

And Rascal was likely doing what came naturally to him (of course cats aren't prey animals, but they are animals and follow certain instincts). I agree that he probably was thinking of all the nice moments with you.

Thanks CNS and LT.

Getting ready to head to L's for our final session. Pretty sure I'm not gonna mention Rascal. I don't want today to be overly-sad talking about it and for the most part I'm doing okay anyway (well in the daylight). Unless she says she can tell there's something I'm not telling her which is entirely likely she reads me too well.

I should have bought one of those "ugly sweaters" they have in the stores this time of year to wear today. Ha.

"Here goes nothin" as the saying goes...

Good luck, Artie!

I finally heard from Julieanne. She said she had sent a text, well she typed it out, and then forgot to hit send. So she was glad that I texted her today. I texted her to see that she was alright. I told her if we didn't have the session it was okay. So now we have the session tomorrow night at 6 PM.

My pdoc is going to send me a letter for Jury Duty .With hallucinations all the time I don't think I should be serving on a jury. The practice manager is actually going to take care of it.

I'm glad you heard back and will be seeing her. I've done that with texts, too!

Artie, I hope your last session with L goes/is going/went well!

Mental health strikes me as a perfectly valid reason to avoid jury duty.

Thanks. The doctor wrote me a note. I might still have to go before the judge to present the note. I don't know. I'm hoping I don't have to go at all. But I just got the note and my service day is Tuesday.

Rather endearing thing Dr. T did today:
In our last session, we were talking about ways to deal with my current stress level, and he suggested meditation and yoga. I had done some yoga classes pre-pandemic, but hadn't really done them since. So yesterday, I took a virtual yin yoga and meditation class from the local studio I'd been to before.

I told Dr. T about it today, and he said, "You get a gold star!" Then he said to wait a minute, he could actually give me one. He found some way to pin a gold star in the corner of the Zoom screen. It was sort of goofy, but it made me smile.

Ugh. I was going to take my Dad to the Rams game on Sunday. I've had the tickets since September. Now the game got postponed until Tuesday (the same day as my jury service) and now the game is at 4 instead of 1. I don't even know if it will stay on Tuesday or if the Rams will still have too many people out with Covid. I got my Covid test so I could go to the game but I don't know if I will get the results too soon for it to count for Tuesday's game. And now I am definitely going to have to take time off work. I called my Dad and let him know what was up. So far they are not refunding tickets. They transferred them to the new game. It's supposed to be my Dad's Christmas present. I talked to him on the phone. I hope he is not disappointed. We will still try to go but I don't know how this is all going to work out. We have been looking forward to the game for three months. Sigh. I'm disappointed.

That's a sweet moment, LT.

Aw, that sucks, Kit. I hope if you can't go that they can refund the tickets--I imagine lots of people who could go on a Sunday couldn't on a Tuesday. Or could you try reselling them on Stubhub or someplace like that? I've done that with concert tickets before.

I have done that before several times. I'm SO glad that she got back to you and that you have scheduled a session. I hope it goes well.

You mean disability stuff? Not yet, my inbox has been lighting up all week on that.

Usually every academic year I get headhunted by another school or two. I’ve always said no, I’m happy where I am. But this year I said yes, I’m interested. I have a couple invitations to visit other campuses and interview early next spring. Both of them are better on employees with disabilities than my school is. (Though this would not be hard.)

Thank you!

It went really well. I rather surprised myself and didn't even cry. Afterwards I went to the gym and I'm back home now. I did end up telling her about Rascal after all, briefly. We talked for a bit about other endings and losses in my life as well, as a segue into this current loss of our therapy relationship. I did one last sand tray, and she said it was magical especially when she opened the window blind so the sun could shine on it (no privacy concerns as she lives kinda out in the country and there's no foot traffic or anything). We both took multiple pictures of it. I told her the things I would miss about coming there. And we talked about the biggest ways our work together has helped me. I told her that I don't think I would recognize 2011 me if I passed her on the street and she agreed. We also both agreed that our work feels complete for now, and that I'm ready (and need to) "go out into the world". She said that this ending doesn't have to be sad. I like that, because right now anyway, it doesn't feel sad. It feels right. She again said that I am welcome to come back in the future if I want to do another series of depth work. We sat in companionable silence for several minutes more than once. When I left, she let me open the door kinda symbolic I guess. We hugged and I said thank you for everything as we were hugging and then as I was walking down the steps, she said "Happy trails." I turned around and smiled and said bye and waved.

I feel good. This may change later, but for now, I feel good about our goodbye.

This made me smile! Cuz last week, I was basically telling L that she done good with me and she said "I get a gold star!" I said, we both do.

Artie, that sounds like a wonderful last session. I'm glad it went so well! It's also good that she left the door open in case you want to come back.

Thanks, LT. It really was. Also, I just opened my latest Mindful Souls box. Here's what I got: 2 bracelets, an incense holder, a Lapis Lazuli necklace, a Mahogany Obsidian crystal, a cute little spoon with a crystal, and a Labradorite palm stone. My favorite of this box is the necklace. I'm still probably going to cancel after the January box as planned, because I'm already running out of room to display the stuff I've received in the first 3 boxes. One of the bracelets in this box is too small for my wrist so I'm going to send it to my sis-in-law for Christmas.

Nice! The spoon is really unique!

I hope you can find a school that will treat you fairly, @@. You deserve that, at the very least. Had my own snafu this week over toilet facilities at an event I was meant to be supporting. Hell of a reason to have to bow out, that left me feeling like crap on a stick. Shouldn't be so hard. No accessible toilets means they're not banking on disabled guests or staff.

That sounds promising, I hope that the visits/interviews go well and that you find a much better situation!

I hope you can find a school that treats you better, where you don't have to be fighting for your rights all the time. You deserve that.