Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I'm sorry. I don't allow any PMs because I've had people send me sexual harrasment ones before. Its nothing personal just my own boundaries and safety concerns.

I will not bring up her weight again.

If it affects you, don't let me stop you from posting. I just wanted to point out that not all obese people have an unhealthy habit. The opposite is true too: some people are normal weight and have unhealthy habits.

I'm sorry I affected you. Please keep posting! Whatever you need to share.

T: I am sort of glad it was a phone session bc there is no way I could have told you what I did, in person. Thanks for being the best guesser I have ever met, lol.

Really depressed and irritable today. I wish it was the weekend.

L, I'm in a really negative spiral today mostly because of work well that's what started it but then I found out my friend's toddler has COVID and now I'm just pissed the hell off at the world in general AND negative/sad. Plus I woke up with a stupid cold/headache myself today. I am having trouble pulling myself out of this. And finding that I don't even really WANT to pull myself out of it, as much as I hate feeling like this. I want to rip my copy of the Mood Elevator off my wall and set fire to the damn thing. I also hate that I am acting all Suzy Sunshine (like you called me) while working, and that is pissing me off even more that I can't let myself be how I ****ing feel.

I'm not sure if I followed the food log or not today. I didnt eat any fruits or vegetables so I most likely didnt. But I also didnt have any candy or chips today. So idk.

I haven't eaten those candy bars today and I have not thought of my transfernce T either today. So idk what that means.

I thought of you a bit today but it was a weird thought. The song One Week came on the radio and that song is very 90's and I was wondering if you have the same pop culture memories of the 90's that I have since we are the same age.

Either possibility in this scenario is overwhelming. I can't believe I actually got so close to writing the email to L, and when it came to doing so, I couldn't remember half of what I'd said. It seems as though the first step is to ask for an email address, so that I can contact her outside her business page.



I am really hoping that the more we work in person, the better my recall will get. It was pretty good Before.

I'm awed by the power of today's session. Thank you.

Well, another three therapists I thought might be suitable are not. Either not taking on new clients or not face to face. I will NOT do zoom. Reached out to another one who looks promising though. Waiting to hear back. You can't say I don't try!

God I’m going to miss you so much…

Hey E- I made art about the thing I can’t talk about. I am already really scared to show you tomorrow.

L,
I feel panicked. I kind of feel like I just did karaoke drunk... Like: "oh ****, did I say/do all of that?!". I got brave through writing, but now that I have to face you, I'm scared. I'm letting you see me, and it's terrifying. These topics, I haven't talked to anyone about them in detail. Some of them I don't even understand! I need you to push me tomorrow, L. I have to push through this fear. It's the only path forward. Can you provide me with lots of reassurance beforehand?

I love you, L. Thank you for choosing to be on my team!

The other day when I said something that did sound like a bunch of BS you said "I'm going to use my "lie detecter" test that I use on my clients who are kids."

Your tone didn't sound like you were talking down to me so I didn't take offense at that moment. You just act a lot older then your age. I think I'm a bit older then you which is kind of funny. But I'm probably the one with the issue.

It didn't really bug me I'm just not sure how I feel about you bringing up your clients who are kids in relation to me.

I feel a bit better today. Helps that I don't have anything scheduled requiring live interaction other than the team meeting, which I've already had.

E: I am SO nervous to see you tonight. Will I be brave enough to show you and be able to talk about it? I wish we texted, bc I would let you know ahead of time how anxious I am. Emailing 3.5 hours before hand seems silly.

I know you will be your awesome, gentle self, but it doesn’t help calm me down.

Turns out that the writing for wellbeing group meeting is next weekend, and therefore not the support that I was hoping would help me through tomorrow. Frustrating to say the least.

Hiya L. 4 weeks ago right now since we last sat down to talk. I don't understand how the past week went by so fast when each individual day felt so long!! I'm still missing my experience of you, of "us", our time together, the "relationship". A little bit less than last week, but still a lot. I was thinking about it this morning, how much I appreciate your respecting my need to be 'out in the world on my own' or however you said it. I have to know that I got this. You know? I never would have been able to start learning that I do got this if I kept coming there, kept 'holding onto the shore', so to speak which kept me from moving forward, kept holding myself back by holding myself an emotional hostage to the relationship-as-I-had-built-it-up-in-my-head.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself, have gotten the much-deserved rest you needed and are in the new year a new and refreshed version of you. take care of you.

Love,
me

I did eat the vegetables and some protein. Both of which is on our list. But I basically failed at eating today and while I want to make progress with you I really am not feeling well which you know. I can't even handle caffeine free diet Coke right now.

It IS rather wily of you lot, thinking specifically about you. One of the things I've been thinking about lately, is along the lines of how much of your disclosures were designed to make me feel like I knew you and like the relationship was real so I would open up and talk and work through stuff I wouldn't have otherwise opened up about. I'm still working on being okay with all of that means-to-an-end stuff as I continue de-constructing my attachment to you.

Starting to get more comfortable with the more realistic idea that I truly did know a version of you, meaning I knew my experience of you. Just like that's really all anyone else can know too, is their experience of you. No one else is inside your head and can really "know" you. Not even your own T, I say that with conviction because you don't really "know" me either, you know your experience of me one hour a week. You have never seen me interact with my husband or family or friends and you know nothing of work-me or the me that participates in shamanic circles and trainings and stuff.


I'm not discounting the work you do. Not at all. I'm thankful and grateful for how much you have helped me change and become more the person that I want to be. I just wish there had been a less painful way for you to say what you said rather than "You don't know me." That was hurtful and I continue to feel the sting of it whenever I think about it.

But overall I remain thankful and grateful and will likely always feel warmly towards you. Maybe we'll run into each other in Costco again someday.

Oh, and I asked for guidance around a specific question this morning using the robin wood tarot and pulled one of the cards of the major arcana. It clearly answered my question. I'm getting a little better with this tarot stuff as I practice more.