Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

ScarletPimpernel · Jan 10, 2022 at 03:03 PM

L,
I'm scared of tomorrow. Are you sure this won't negatively affect you? Having such thoughts in your head? Are you sure you still want to give me a hug? This is going to be so hard! But if you're up for it, I'm hoping this will help. Maybe we can do another phone call tomorrow before session?

*Beth* · Jan 10, 2022 at 04:33 PM

You're a precious person. I will always have a place in my soul for you. But I really have no desire to continue therapy. Maybe much of that feeling has to do with covid...there's not much to discuss when the only place I go is a quick trip to the grocery store. And occasionally to my hair stylist. Maybe you and I can discuss this seasons "hot" hair colors...??...eye roll...

LonesomeTonight · Jan 10, 2022 at 04:57 PM

Dear T,
I did feel maybe a bit judged about the work thing. Both my needing an extension for something and the fact that I'm still working for somewhat reduced pay from the one place. That felt a bit like paternal countertransference. Or something. I'm glad you didn't push for continuing that conversation today. I know my career is something to address more, but right now is not the time...
Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · Jan 10, 2022 at 06:54 PM

I didn't think about my transfernce T much today. I told my mom a bit about how she was helpful summer of 2020 when I had no idea what was going on with me and how she gave me a helpful suggestion. But that was all I said about her. But its kinda like this song that goes "do you ever rewind to the summer you knew me."

But anyways. That was the only moment I was focused on my transfernce T. I did not eat the Smarties, or Aero bars or Goldfish, drink the tea or do anything like that.

Current T on Wednesday we have to majorly talk about my recent health problem and the conversation is going to be super awkward. We have never discussed this stuff before. But I am a nervous wreck about this doctors appointment and exam on Thursday.

RoxanneToto · Jan 10, 2022 at 07:59 PM

I hope you didn’t feel I was trying to push you to share your thoughts on my idea from last week. I didn’t realise you’d felt too ill to really talk when I sent the email, as you said you had mild symptoms. I’m glad you’re feeling better, now. That’s what matters, really.
It’s nice to see your dog gradually blossoming, too.

AliceKate · Jan 11, 2022 at 08:14 AM

Dear T,

why are you searching for someone to blame? It is my decision and my responsibility. You want to blame someone? Look no further than the armchair across from you. If you must judge at all.

Kate.

Mountaindewed · Jan 11, 2022 at 08:51 AM

Maybe I like that food more because it reminds me of when it was just barely prepandemic. Maybe it has nothing to do with my transference T but I associate it more to a sense of prepandemic normalcy.

Going back on Facebook I first got the Aero bars on January 2nd 2020, the Pop Tarts January 4th 2020, and the European chocolate Smarties on January 27th 2020

So current T are these things transtional objects regarding my transference T or just prepandemic nostalgic foods that I associate with a normal life?

Waterbear · Jan 11, 2022 at 11:30 AM

I guess the fact that I am sitting here emailing more therapists not 6 hours after our appointment means that I still don't believe I can do this with you....

SlumberKitty · Jan 11, 2022 at 12:07 PM

Thanks for the session yesterday Julieanne. I'm sorry I relapsed. But you seemed to understand. Thanks for hearing about the voices and stuff too. I know that is difficult. But thanks for not freaking out. Thanks for my next appointment on the 28th. I will probably miss you before then. It is good to know I can text you. I will try not to abuse this privilege though. Thank you, Kit

comrademoomoo · Jan 11, 2022 at 03:45 PM

I want you. Be available to me. I don't understand this. I want you and you have told me that you want to respond and yet here we are with distance between us. Blah blah boundaries. I don't feel very grown up at the moment. I just want you. Be available to me until I decide I different.

SlumberKitty · Jan 11, 2022 at 04:13 PM

Dear Former T. I want you to write me back. I want you to tell me it's going to be okay. That I can heal from this relapse. That it's going to be fine. That I can get through this. That you still care. That you are still there. That you still love me. Please write me. It's been so long. Kit

unaluna · Jan 11, 2022 at 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I want you. Be available to me. I don't understand this. I want you and you have told me that you want to respond and yet here we are...

Moo, i think this is t-talk. My t used to tell me that he wanted to get me a birthday present. I think that "wanting" was supposed to patch, to fill the pot hole that is my birthday. Its some psychic raw material for us to take.

Took me a few years to figure out i wasnt getting an actual birthday present! Well, some of us are slower than others!

Mountaindewed · Jan 11, 2022 at 05:33 PM

I don't feel like listening to any music right now. The phone is not charged anyways. I'm first trying to get some physical stuff under control so I can get a lot of rest tonight so I can make my in person appointment and not have to do remote for the 3rd week in a row

I want to mention the candy but I want to discuss if its a transtional object related to my transfernce T or a nostalgic prepandemic food that reminds of normalcy. I think its an important discussion to have.

And I want to discuss how I've been relating to the song Stay With Me- by Sam Smith recently.

And of course this coming Thursday.

comrademoomoo · Jan 11, 2022 at 05:39 PM

Actually, never mind.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 12, 2022 at 11:25 AM

The 15th is still casting some kind of shadow, but then there's the book dilemma, and then there's the letter that I have already written, and had sitting in a drawer waiting for the time that we could be in the same room. I don't know what to talk about. The letter could be a session on its own, the book dilemma could be a session on its own...we've had several sessions talking about the 15th.

*Beth* · Jan 12, 2022 at 03:44 PM

Tomorrow is our first session in 2 weeks (because I cancelled last week). I'm nervous about seeing you, because I believe you will ask questions about my therapy with you and I have no answers. None at all.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 12, 2022 at 04:40 PM

Dear T,
It helps to know that you're "tired," too. Makes it feel like we're in this together. And maybe helping each other in some way (well, besides financial from me to you).

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · 07:05 PM

Good lord L. It is almost 4 weeks now since we last talked. Where has the time gone? But, I've been feeling so much better since I wrote the letter you said no to, to myself. Thanks for suggesting that. I guess that fact, plus working 58 freaking hours a week, is why time is disappearing in a blink. One day just blends into the next and I hardly know what day of the week it is already and we're only on the 12th day of this crap.

I hope you are taking good care of you. BTW, I got out my daughters of the moon tarot deck this morning and pulled a card for guidance.... well.... you know how these things go sometimes, I got 2 by mistake. One of them was clearly for you. And it helped me understand. Not that I can tell you about it except for here, but, well, yeah. The other one was helpful for me as well as it was about self-nurturance and about energy that has grown and developed and is now fully established. I don't always ask the right questions but boy somehow when I do, I get the answers I need.

Mountaindewed · Jan 12, 2022 at 05:21 PM

I brought up my transfernce therapist and you said something like "oh your bringing up your old therapist." But I only mentioned her while talking about the candy. You seem to think the candy is mostly transference T related but not 100%

But I got those 3 bags of frozen vegetables and those 3 bags of frozen fruits. I did also get a frozen pizza for a cheat night and 2 bottles of zero sugar soda and a couple bags of chips. You said to really watch the chips though.

I'm not trying to be a douche, but I am on the slimmer/ muscular side and you are pretty obese. So I kinda find taking diet advice from you a bit ironic.

You also had on a plain black T shirt which is often a trademark of mine and it reminded me of the line from Mean Girls "I saw Cady Herron wear army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops." Although I know it was totally on accident and I was not wearing a black T shirt today anyways.

ScarletPimpernel · Jan 12, 2022 at 05:41 PM

I wanted to send you a pm Mountain, but I can't.

Not all people are obese because of poor diet and exercise. There are medications with side effects and certain disorders like PCOS that make weight loss very very hard.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,427 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,451 hugs given	Jan 10, 2022 at 03:03 PM #221 L, I'm scared of tomorrow. Are you sure this won't negatively affect you? Having such thoughts in your head? Are you sure you still want to give me a hug? This is going to be so hard! But if you're up for it, I'm hoping this will help. Maybe we can do another phone call tomorrow before session? __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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RoxanneToto Grand Poohbah Member Since Aug 2020 Location: England Posts: 1,692 3 6,991 hugs given	Jan 10, 2022 at 07:59 PM #225 I hope you didn’t feel I was trying to push you to share your thoughts on my idea from last week. I didn’t realise you’d felt too ill to really talk when I sent the email, as you said you had mild symptoms. I’m glad you’re feeling better, now. That’s what matters, really. It’s nice to see your dog gradually blossoming, too.
	Reply With Quote

AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Jan 11, 2022 at 08:14 AM #226 Dear T, why are you searching for someone to blame? It is my decision and my responsibility. You want to blame someone? Look no further than the armchair across from you. If you must judge at all. Kate. __________________ my life explained in two smileys
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Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	Jan 11, 2022 at 11:30 AM #228 I guess the fact that I am sitting here emailing more therapists not 6 hours after our appointment means that I still don't believe I can do this with you....
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,734 5	Jan 11, 2022 at 03:45 PM #230 I want you. Be available to me. I don't understand this. I want you and you have told me that you want to respond and yet here we are with distance between us. Blah blah boundaries. I don't feel very grown up at the moment. I just want you. Be available to me until I decide I different.
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jan 11, 2022 at 04:13 PM #231 Dear Former T. I want you to write me back. I want you to tell me it's going to be okay. That I can heal from this relapse. That it's going to be fine. That I can get through this. That you still care. That you are still there. That you still love me. Please write me. It's been so long. Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,734 5	Jan 11, 2022 at 05:39 PM #234 Actually, never mind.
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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Jan 12, 2022 at 03:44 PM #236 Tomorrow is our first session in 2 weeks (because I cancelled last week). I'm nervous about seeing you, because I believe you will ask questions about my therapy with you and I have no answers. None at all. __________________
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,846 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Jan 12, 2022 at 04:40 PM #237 Dear T, It helps to know that you're "tired," too. Makes it feel like we're in this together. And maybe helping each other in some way (well, besides financial from me to you). Love, LT
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,427 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,451 hugs given	Jan 12, 2022 at 05:41 PM #240 I wanted to send you a pm Mountain, but I can't. Not all people are obese because of poor diet and exercise. There are medications with side effects and certain disorders like PCOS that make weight loss very very hard. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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