Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I wish you could come walk my dogs with me. Maybe it wouldn't feel so anxiety-provoking with a distraction.

I know it was the correct thing to tell you I was sick with this non contagious viral thing and these 2 other issues and I know I left it up to you. But I do feel like you are being a bit paranoid switching our appointment to zoom.

Or is that me just being selfish?

Then again the sandwhich I ate an hour ago did a number on my stomach and I feel sick as hell right now.

But is it wrong for me to call her paranoid when I have a non covid little bug thing that no one else in my house has gotten?

Respond to my texts! I don't care if my session is in 10 minutes. I need an exorcism!

I thought brefily of my transference T. Then of those candy bars. Then the idea made me feel like I was going to get very sick. Now I don't even know what I want from anyone.

That session must have been helpful because I was really anxious before and now the anxiety is down to the usual amount which I can deal with. If you consider staying in bed all day dealing with it.

Or maybe it was that I took a couple gabapentin shortly beforehand because I was desperate. Doesn't usually help with my anxiety, but I guess it may have taken the edge off.

Anyway, I feel bad but better than earlier.

You should thank me for not telling you the plot summary for that movie. I really wanted to because it disturbed me so much, but you are more sensitive than I am so it would have been cruel. And I was telling the truth when I said I do sometimes have an emotional response and feel sad for other people. I think I just wish I didn't feel so callous and uncaring most of the time. I also told you I don't enjoy reading disturbing things, but I don't think that's 100% true. Maybe I don't enjoy it in the same way I do eating chocolate or watching derry girls... but there's still some kind of sick thrill or macabre entertainment I get from it. I actually think I could have read the plot summary for tumbling doll of flesh and been fine if I hadn't already read several similarly disturbing plot summaries in quick succession. It wasn't even the content so much as the fact that somebody came up with a movie like that and there was an audience for it.

Hell-oh L. SO what do you know about that?! I had the epiphany earlier today while talking with H on my lunch break that you were f'ing right all along about me wanting life to be a Hallmark movie. I'm embarrassed as all hell about it but damn it it's true isn't it? I do. I want everything to be nice and sugar-coated and everyone is lovey-dovey. I want perfect, scripted, feel-good endings to every relationship including ours.

But I'm not on TV and life doesn't work that way. It's messy and imperfect and ****ing glorious anyway. And that's why I didn't get the perfect scripted ending from you that I wanted (re: the letter you said no to).

I really want to call you and tell you that I have come to this realization. But I'm not going to because you know why? Because the longer I don't call you to check in, the more **** like this I'm going to realize, I betcha.

2 glasses of wine later and, I up'd my TV package so I can start watching actual Hallmark movies and get my fix that way.

I really hate you. I mean, really hate you. I feel great dissatisfaction and frustration. You are 100% rubbish. I want more contact with you. I want you at my disposal. I can't bear this frustration, it is frustrating. I even hate the word frustration that's how much I hate frustration. And how much I hate you. 100% for sure. Just give me what I want and be what I want!!!

Let it be known, in the annals of my life, you are causing a lot of pain.

And you know better.. So that is your crime, 'dear' T.

I am ashamed to admit I feel kind of sad that neither you nor Dr. S have replied to me yet. It really hasn't been remotely long enough where I should feel that way. With you, it's probably related to my message feeling really vulnerable. Telling you that we need to revisit that stuff is hard because I'd much rather avoid it. With Dr. S, she had been responding to me really quickly until this time, so it was just kind of a bummer because I missed the little boost I got from her telling me I did a good job cleaning my space for the day.

Anyway. Felt pretty down the moment I woke up today, so I'm probably just in a funk and that's why I'm feeling all sensitive. I actually kind of feel like I'm going to cry. As you know, that's not something I do frequently. I'm generally averse to crying because 99% of the time, it doesn't make me feel better. In fact, I often feel worse.

Had trouble falling asleep last night and J decided I didn't need my last 40 minutes of sleep this morning. That's probably all this is. Not a harbinger of doom. Right?

That session was very helpful. I was very focused the whole time which you commented on at the end and I did not once bring up my transference T or even think of her. I wish I knew why telehealth sessions were always so more deep and productive then in person even if it does suck to do remote a lot.

I feel like I've been shipwrecked on an island all by myself. I've fallen down and my legs are both broken. I can't get up and shouting for help is futile. There's nobody to hear me.

Where are you? It's not like you to not respond. Honestly, I think I'm going to be a bit upset if you don't. I don't feel like sending you picture evidence of leaving my house like you want if you can't be bothered to acknowledge what I said, let alone talk to you about that bad stuff again!

How dare you bring that subject up and ask if we need to talk about it again then ignore me when I let you know we do!

Maybe this is a defense so that I have an excuse to avoid talking about it next week. Idk. But I feel very alone right now.

Anyway, not sure I can bring myself to text you again to send the pictures. It feels somehow humiliating, like I'm desperate for any crumb I can get from you. Like my life is so completely empty that the mere chance of receiving a response makes it worth the effort. There are some things that need no response but this isn't one of them.

Part of me thinks you haven't responded because you don't know what I'm referring to. That would make me feel even worse because that means you don't even remember you asked if we needed to revisit that topic. Cue intense shame on my part that I assumed that topic matters enough to not forget what it was not 24 hours after the session. Not even 12 hours ffs.

Dr. S, I'm surprised you didn't respond but maybe you interpreted my statement about showing you more progress at my next appointment as me not wanting to hear from you until then. Or maybe you're just busy. I appreciate all the encouragement you have given me since last week. I think I was just disappointed because I thought I had one more response from you before I would be on my own again.

Dear T and E, I am starting to get REALLY anxious about the wisdom teeth surgery friday. I wish you guys could be there for me.

Dear T,
I would love to know what some of the "cringe-y ****" you've done in your past is. For a second, I thought you were going to give an example, but you didn't.

Also, I suppose I appreciate your honesty that you'd have forgotten about my email after accidentally deleting it, had I not followed up. I'd like to think you'd have remembered. But your explanation of your "system" and how it can actually make things worse if a piece fell apart, like the automatic syncing of deletions, it was helpful and gave insight into how you go through life. And also suggests that a follow-up email is not a problem and likely preferred.

Love,
LT

I didnt think of my transference T herself although I did think of the places I frequented before the telesessions started. So it may have been a thought in the back of my head.

Current T sometimes I get the sense you are uncomfortable that we are the same age. I found out I am a few months older and you seemed uncomfortable and answered my question when I asked what month you were born in but then quickly switched the subject. I don't mind the age thing. I have actually been finding it helpful. But you do seem to be kinda bothered by it and I don't know why.

Please help me with my balancing act tomorrow. I don't want to go there, but my friend is right when they tell me that the only way out is through.

There's a change happening inside me today, I feel it, I'm not sure what it means. I do know that I have been a calm kind of happy all afternoon. Maybe it has nothing to do with letting you go and is only about the fact that hell month is over halfway done and I get my first paycheck of 30+ hours overtime on Friday. Woop woop.

To everybody and nobody at the same time, seeing as I still don't have a T I feel I can talk to about any of this.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I have been fighting for such a long time to break through to the parts of me that were so badly hurt. The parts of me that hold all of the anger and the pain and hurt. For over three years, nearly four, I have been trying. I've tried knocking on the door. I've tried turning my back and waiting for it. I've tried smashing it open with a stone. I've tried sneaking my way in while you aren't looking. I've tried throwing you a rope and I've tried sitting quietly and gently, just waiting patiently.

I'm not sure what else there is left to try.

Maybe these parts of me just aren't reachable. Maybe it's time I accept that and go about my life as best I can.

It just feels so hopeless. It never worked with a T who I trusted and who I felt safe with, so how on earth is it going to work now?

Old T won't work with me. Ex T just up and walked away from our work. Possible T found a new space that is miles away and is now not taking on new clients. New T simply isn't listening to me when I say that I feel trapped and stuck in the chair and the tiny space, but yet I stay with her because it is the best option I have right now.

Ex T, you talked about me falling through the net when I was a kid, well I'm falling through it again right now, and literally no-one seems to give a f*@#. You may have caught my Little One, and I will always be so incredibly grateful for that, but what about this other part of me? What am I supposed to do with it? I should have killed it when I had the chance. I don't want to go on like this, I really don't. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting. I'm so very, very tired of not being able to help myself and right now I'm tired of feeling like no-one else gives a damn.

Dr. S - definitely feel a bit groggy with the halved dose of Adderall. But may be something I can adjust to. Or rather, may be something I'm willing to endure long enough to adjust. The anxiety is definitely an inconvenient side effect, but not as inconvenient as the other drugs I've tried recently that have helped me.

My head hurts. Kind of a lot.

It hurt to hear you acknowledge it out loud, but yes...

Steve's death (and the manner of his leaving) is the source of my current pain. It resonates with prior experiences of being given more information than I can handle.

We're expecting more wintry weather, and yet again, I find myself needing to go to the store. But I just don't want to leave my home. I haven't been outside at all since last Saturday.

Dr S., I kind of want to take that other Adderall now. I have no motivation. I do feel a lot less anxious though. Still anxious, but not crippling.

Dear New T,

Thank you. For hearing me, in a way that it hasn't felt like you have until today. Why did I have to figuratively shout in order for that to happen though, I've been saying it for a while now.

But I'm grateful for you trying to help me find a way. Starting over with someone new, again, doesn't fill me with joy, so if we can make this work, at least for the time being, maybe that would be for the best. Hopefully these changes will help.

I did tell you at the beginning that this could be a rollercoaster, didn't I. I hope you like rollercoasters. I hope they don't make you feel sick like they do me, because one of us needs to be able to stay strong through this.

I wonder what you would say if I got that thing sent to your address... Just a thought!

You were supposed to tell me I must go to the store. Not to stay safe and dry! You're colluding with me to stay home!

Maybe I will make myself a nice bubble tea.

I'm scared that the longer I don't go out, the harder it will become to do so. It will become unthinkable.

Thursday feels a long way away again all of a sudden. I am grateful that we're working in person again, and I'm missing the depth that we had before.

I know another reason for the change I'm feeling inside. I've had this one song from the movie Grease playing on repeat in my head for a few days - and yesterday I began realizing why. It's one specific line from the song that's been hitting me - that was what I'd been doing with you for a good while - I'm not anymore and realizing that made feel so.f'ing.free! I don't think I'll be calling you to check in anytime soon. It's time for me to get on with the living of what life I have left.