Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

L,
I love you. I'm glad I'm being more open with you and using the big words (i.e. nuturing, mothering, trauma), and I'm proud I was able to catch an ouch in the moment with you today. I really want to discuss my progress with you some more. It feels good knowing that you're seeing all the hard work I'm putting into this. And I'm glad that you're present with me in session and doing your theory work outside of session. It's good to know I'm not just aimlessly wandering around! I'm proud of us, L, and the work we are doing.

Dare I allow myself to hope? I really don't know at this point. Let's see what happens on Monday.

Do you know, I actually love that you will open the gifts on Christmas Day. I'll certainly be thinking of you and now I know you will spend some time thinking of me too. What a crazy crazy relationship this was/is. Crazy! I am good, now, you know. I feel like I have come out of the washing machine of emotions I was in earlier in the year. I feel like I am hanging out to dry and just admiring the world around me. My only challenge now (apart from doing 'the work' with someone) is learning how NOT to spend so much time thinking about you. And I'm afraid that the answer might be to walk away from you. I'm not sure I'm ready, but I am at least considering the option, and feeling like it might be the best way forwards, at least for a little while. I'm not sure it's good for me that you are the first thing I think about every morning, the last thing I think about every night, and that my mind thinks of you often throughout the day too. But how... I guess time, and distance, and finding new things to focus on (though the last thing at night one, that's probably the hardest, as you have been the last thing I think about at night for the last 5 and a half years!)

Well L, I slept really well last night and didn't get up until like 7:45am! that's crazy late for me. I was awake briefly at the usual 3am-ish to use the bathroom but there was none of the laying awake after with negative thoughts in my brain stuff. I went right back to sleep. And when I woke up again it was 7:45, and I still feel good about yesterday.

I’m starting to see what you meant, re. adoption, though I secretly tried to deny it at first. As they say, the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. I really should learn to just listen, trust but verify. If it were possible to download the collected wisdom inside another person’s brain and browse it at leisure then I might have asked. But I like having someone who isn’t my mum, boss or colleague to talk to, so I’m glad we can’t do that!

Dear T, I really miss you and am worried that you may of abandon me. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love
Cheryl

My opinion of you is still as low as ever. You're an asshole. **** you ''T''.....

I know you'll be happy if I eat salmon and steamed broccoli for dinner. You will be especially happy with the broccoli part since we just discussed eating green vegetables at our last session. But I kind of want to just eat the noodles out of a can of soup because I am losing my patience. But I know eating just noodles won't help with any of my goals. Short term or long term.

I ate the salmon and broccoli. It didnt make me feel one way or the other. But I know you will be happy and the noodles probably would have made me feel crappy and still hungry.

Dear T, Thank you for by telling me the story of the random feather on your desk. I wouldn’t have asked, but thoroughly enjoyed the little glimpse into your quirks and life ( He saw the film The Lighthouse, and then picked up a seagull’s feather on an impulse, because it’s a symbolic bird in the story). This pandemic is taxing , but we are goi g through it together, which helps.

So L I was thinking tonight about how when we were talking about other losses in my life like my grandma and my dad, you said "and J". I'm thinking about why you brought her into that. Was it because you still think I initiated this ending because I wanted to leave you before you could leave me (like happened with J?) I know you'd brought up that possibility when we first began discussing this ending. Our ending doesn't really compare to how I left J though - the reason I left her when I did was because I already knew she was leaving in another week, and you have no plans of moving away again (at least not that you've told me). And of course ours was a very different relationship. With J it wasn't something that could be continued anyway outside of the... um.... OH **** I think I understand what you were getting at now. There IS a similarity isn't there???!?!?!??!!?! Holy ****. Yeah, I'm gonna table this for further thinking/writing when I'm not sleepy. **** **** **** son of a *****. Damn, you're good. This is gonna take some working through. I know how to work with it. You have taught me very well, my dearest L.

Anyway!!! Once I understood about the whole fantasy-you thing, and began letting her go, it was like, that internal push I'd been feeling to 'step through the door' into the next stage of my psychological development became so strong I couldn't NOT. And I feel it even more strongly now that I was right - that as long as I continued therapy that next stage wouldn't happen, and o how I was needing it to happen!! The little series of sand trays I did was really helpful in that regard - esp the one I did yesterday, I love that one so much and I'm going to print one of the pics I took and frame it too, like the other one. It felt so alive. And made me feel so strong, like by going through with this ending I have claimed my own power, and am now my own queen, like I said. I usually don't feel as strongly about naming them as I did yesterday either - "Home" was the only fitting name for it. I am home (and whole) inside myself. And I have that version of you in my heart that will always be there, so in that sense, you'll always be with me anyway. I told you yesterday those things that I will miss about coming there, but you know, a couple of those things I can re-create by journeying and maybe even in dreams.

I love you. I knew I didn't need to say it yesterday. Cuz it's kinda like well duh. And, even though I understand now that I don't really know you, still, I love the you that I do know, and I always will.

So 48 hours ago I was sitting with you in your office, talking about endings. I hadn't yet done my final sand tray, that came at 1:45pm our time when I realized if I was gonna do one I needed to get up and do it since there was only 15 minutes left. Still feeling good about our ending, still feeling like I was able to find the closure I needed. I guess I'll stop typing here about it now...


...at least, until Friday when I notice the absence of your 10am-ish reminder text.

I was listening to the song The Freshman last night like I do every night. Then I just got these feelings I dont want to have about you. But they were quick thoughts. I know in the past messing around with any med that was hormone related would cause strange feelings. But I thought my hystrectomy would take care of those feelings. Its just, last night I got bad 2020 remote session vibes but this time could even be worse then with my transfernce T because I moved away from her while still doing remote and I'm not sure what I'll be thinking/doing if we go to remote.

T: That was a sweet text. See ya in a couple of weeks.

Thank you. I think you knew I was trying not to break down at the end of session. I appreciate your reassurance. Have a lovely Christmas, whatever happens.

Would it kill you to show some heart?

I guess we're still on for tomorrow. I havent heard otherwise.

You've forgotten. Don't invite me to ask and then forget me, it's shameful for me. I knew you hadn't understood the significance of my what I was saying. You are such a tosspot. You must think I am stupid. Retrospectively, your question and the tone of your question, "Ooo yes, what if I forget?! Will that mean I don't care??", sits rather uneasy with me. Don't be like this with me.

Woah, my hatred for you is swelling. This past week, I had felt nothing towards you, no contact with you had felt fine, felt like nothing remarkable. Now I am starting to feel hatred, repulsion, shame, anger. What has prompted this? Being forgotten? Maybe it's that, maybe it's that one step outside of therapy highlights how ridiculous it is.

Ugh, T and E. I am SO anxious/dreading going back to NY on Wed. Tomorrow is going to fly by, and before I know it, I will be on a plane. 😢 I don’t want to go. I also am not getting my covid test in time, so I guess I have to go early to the stores and hope I can find one? Ugh.