Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T, I really miss you and am worried that you may of abandon me. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love
Cheryl

My opinion of you is still as low as ever. You're an asshole. **** you ''T''.....

I know you'll be happy if I eat salmon and steamed broccoli for dinner. You will be especially happy with the broccoli part since we just discussed eating green vegetables at our last session. But I kind of want to just eat the noodles out of a can of soup because I am losing my patience. But I know eating just noodles won't help with any of my goals. Short term or long term.

I ate the salmon and broccoli. It didnt make me feel one way or the other. But I know you will be happy and the noodles probably would have made me feel crappy and still hungry.

Dear T, Thank you for by telling me the story of the random feather on your desk. I wouldn’t have asked, but thoroughly enjoyed the little glimpse into your quirks and life ( He saw the film The Lighthouse, and then picked up a seagull’s feather on an impulse, because it’s a symbolic bird in the story). This pandemic is taxing , but we are goi g through it together, which helps.

So L I was thinking tonight about how when we were talking about other losses in my life like my grandma and my dad, you said "and J". I'm thinking about why you brought her into that. Was it because you still think I initiated this ending because I wanted to leave you before you could leave me (like happened with J?) I know you'd brought up that possibility when we first began discussing this ending. Our ending doesn't really compare to how I left J though - the reason I left her when I did was because I already knew she was leaving in another week, and you have no plans of moving away again (at least not that you've told me). And of course ours was a very different relationship. With J it wasn't something that could be continued anyway outside of the... um.... OH **** I think I understand what you were getting at now. There IS a similarity isn't there???!?!?!??!!?! Holy ****. Yeah, I'm gonna table this for further thinking/writing when I'm not sleepy. **** **** **** son of a *****. Damn, you're good. This is gonna take some working through. I know how to work with it. You have taught me very well, my dearest L.

Anyway!!! Once I understood about the whole fantasy-you thing, and began letting her go, it was like, that internal push I'd been feeling to 'step through the door' into the next stage of my psychological development became so strong I couldn't NOT. And I feel it even more strongly now that I was right - that as long as I continued therapy that next stage wouldn't happen, and o how I was needing it to happen!! The little series of sand trays I did was really helpful in that regard - esp the one I did yesterday, I love that one so much and I'm going to print one of the pics I took and frame it too, like the other one. It felt so alive. And made me feel so strong, like by going through with this ending I have claimed my own power, and am now my own queen, like I said. I usually don't feel as strongly about naming them as I did yesterday either - "Home" was the only fitting name for it. I am home (and whole) inside myself. And I have that version of you in my heart that will always be there, so in that sense, you'll always be with me anyway. I told you yesterday those things that I will miss about coming there, but you know, a couple of those things I can re-create by journeying and maybe even in dreams.

I love you. I knew I didn't need to say it yesterday. Cuz it's kinda like well duh. And, even though I understand now that I don't really know you, still, I love the you that I do know, and I always will.

So 48 hours ago I was sitting with you in your office, talking about endings. I hadn't yet done my final sand tray, that came at 1:45pm our time when I realized if I was gonna do one I needed to get up and do it since there was only 15 minutes left. Still feeling good about our ending, still feeling like I was able to find the closure I needed. I guess I'll stop typing here about it now...


...at least, until Friday when I notice the absence of your 10am-ish reminder text.

I was listening to the song The Freshman last night like I do every night. Then I just got these feelings I dont want to have about you. But they were quick thoughts. I know in the past messing around with any med that was hormone related would cause strange feelings. But I thought my hystrectomy would take care of those feelings. Its just, last night I got bad 2020 remote session vibes but this time could even be worse then with my transfernce T because I moved away from her while still doing remote and I'm not sure what I'll be thinking/doing if we go to remote.

T: That was a sweet text. See ya in a couple of weeks.

Thank you. I think you knew I was trying not to break down at the end of session. I appreciate your reassurance. Have a lovely Christmas, whatever happens.

Would it kill you to show some heart?

I guess we're still on for tomorrow. I havent heard otherwise.

You've forgotten. Don't invite me to ask and then forget me, it's shameful for me. I knew you hadn't understood the significance of my what I was saying. You are such a tosspot. You must think I am stupid. Retrospectively, your question and the tone of your question, "Ooo yes, what if I forget?! Will that mean I don't care??", sits rather uneasy with me. Don't be like this with me.

Woah, my hatred for you is swelling. This past week, I had felt nothing towards you, no contact with you had felt fine, felt like nothing remarkable. Now I am starting to feel hatred, repulsion, shame, anger. What has prompted this? Being forgotten? Maybe it's that, maybe it's that one step outside of therapy highlights how ridiculous it is.

Ugh, T and E. I am SO anxious/dreading going back to NY on Wed. Tomorrow is going to fly by, and before I know it, I will be on a plane. 😢 I don’t want to go. I also am not getting my covid test in time, so I guess I have to go early to the stores and hope I can find one? Ugh.

Dear T, I am starting to really dread Christmas day this year, it more stressful with everything going on. I hope you are okay and I hope to hear from you very soon. I know with the holidays you may not get back to me til the New Year. I just wish I did not worry so much.
Love
Cheryl

Dear T,
Sorry for the email, but I just feel sort of weird about how you reacted to a few things today and would rather kind of clear the air now vs. waiting to talk about it right before the holiday. I just want you to understand *why* I was asking those things. And I'm also hoping that this will allow me to get emailing out of my system, and I can abstain for Thursday evening through Tuesday afternoon (barring something really awful happening). Had this been a non-holiday week, and I was meeting with you Wednesday (and then Friday), I'd have just waited to talk to you then.

Love,
LT

I'm hoping you can make me feel better. I am pretty anxious right now about covid and I know it freaks you out too but I could just use some reassurance in general.

This severe anxiety seems to be coming out of nowhere. I woke up with it early this morning

I wish I could hold your hand again and feel close. I will forever miss that, I think.

Dear T,
I did really appreciate your response, including the self-reflection involved. I wish I was talking to you tomorrow though--really stressed about Covid and stuff. Though I suppose it's better that we're talking Thursday instead because it's less time between that and Tuesday's session. I do hope you'll have figured out what you are or are not willing to share regarding your vacation. I realized that it would have been better if you'd just said "I'm not really comfortable sharing any information"--it was the silence that was difficult for me, as I was just sort of rambling and throwing out questions, hoping you would give me *something*. I just worry about you and want you to be safe.

But I also wonder if it's easier for me to be outwardly worried about you? Rather than about my D (we are keeping her home tomorrow), myself, H, my parents, H's mom... Like am I projecting those fears onto you? Though you've also been a huge source of support for me over the past--what, 21 months now? (Ugh.) So I think it's natural that I'd fear you going away, whether briefly due to illness or longer-term, like from long Covid, or worse.... Plus, I mean, I love you, of course, platonically, but still.
Love,
LT

L,
I don't want to say goodbye to you today for the holidays. Three weeks without seeing you is a long time.

Okay as much as I’m concerned for myself, I am WAY more concerned about you. May you fail your tests today.

I made it to the cinema today, to see A Boy Called Christmas. "Grief is the price you pay for love, and worth paying a million times over." The closer I come to that figure, the less I agree.


One hand on chest, and breathe....

You said you want to try a sea urchin even though the outside is poisinous and its bland but you said my pumpkin spice latte and cheesy frito burrito combo sounds like diarrhea. Um. Ok. Its funny but so are our weight diffrences.

Oh God…
I don’t care if I get sick. What I’m worried about is you, because I know this is a Big Deal™️ and I’m terrified for you. Please let you be okay