Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I'm mad at you L. Let me make my own decisions and give me the space to feel whatever it is that I feel!

I wish I had today off.

I would probably feel better if I took a shower and changed the sheets on my bed. Or at least made the bed.

How am I supposed to get out of bed when I'm sandwiched between my dogs? Too much effort.

Maybe I should put my phone out of reach so I'm forced to either get up and shower or do some work.

Dear T,
A couple years ago, I'd have been bothered by what you said regarding thoughts/worrying about clients after their session time. But I get it. I know you sort of dismissed my comment regarding friends and relatives as being a different sort of thing, because you generally don't need to "worry" about them. But I think it's similar. I can care very much about, and even love someone, even if I don't spend that much time actively thinking about them.

I think this speaks to my having gained security in the relationship. And also maybe to how I view relationships in general, not just therapeutic--that I don't need to feel like someone is thinking--or worrying, to use your word--about me all the time to feel that they care. And in fact, it's probably a healthier relationship--well, not counting parent-child. Or, say, if someone is actively ill.

You're probably expecting an email from me about this. And it's possible that my feelings will shift later today. Even if they do, I still think the fact that my immediate thought wasn't a feeling of rejection or something similar is significant.

Love,
LT

Ok. Did some work. The shower is still pending.

I also still need to pick and clean an area for today for Dr. S. I wish my greasy hair could count for that, but I have a feeling it doesn't. Besides I don't want to send a before picture of my greasy head.

I have a dehydration headache.

I ate a mint Aero bar today because I missed my transfernce T. Again it helped me deal with my feelings about her. Is this a problem? Its been almost 11 months since our last session and I'm honestly starting to forget some things. Funnily enough if all goes to plan the one year mark will be on a day I have a session with my current T.

The only time I really did think of therapy was when I was wondering if I needed to switch to remote if I still was not feeling good by Wednesday. And I was wondering if she would be worried about me. And also I was a bit concerned that I have not been following the food log but my stomach and appetite just has sucked this week and if I have not eaten in 4 hours but suddenly feel like I can manage a Pop Tart, then that is what I will eat.

What are you doing? Why doesn't it involve me?

Julieanne, thanks for checking in with me today and offering and then committing to seeing me almost a week sooner. Thank you! Kit

I will leap from this bed and go take a shower at any moment. Hopefully.

I don’t feel we were too productive today until you got the Oh cards out. That was my fault; what I wanted to do, wasn’t as helpful as I expected it to be. I think I’ve somewhat lost my focus when it comes to counselling but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I still need it. I’m almost definitely going to need it in the coming months.
I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to fix my attachment issues. My head feels like a strange place, sometimes. I feel like I’m taking too much for granted, then panic if it looks like I’m going to lose something. I want to get better, though.

Dear T,
I want to ask you a question, but I'm afraid of what your answer might be. This is one of those times when I don't like the fact that you tend to be painfully honest. But then, maybe I'm just assuming the worst. So it would be better if you did answer? Hm, I suppose I could ask it in more of a hypothetical way, like just generally regarding your clients. But you'd see through me like a freshly cleaned window.

I'll need to think on it, I suppose. And decide whether I'd rather know, and accept whatever answer you give, or just choose to think that maybe, on occasion, even very rare occasion, you do sometimes worry about me or at least feel some level of concern (in case you reserve "worry" for people in your outside life) outside of our sessions. Even just a fleeting, "I hope LT's doing OK," then back to what you were doing.

Love,
LT

I’ve lost so many people whom I love recently. My dear friend, my crafting friend. Perhaps my husband. And you. I hate the fact that social workers are licensed by state and not federally. It’s not fair

Well, that's another 4 therapists contacted. Let's see what they say. Did you ever consider that it might be this difficult for me to find the right person to continue with? Did you even consider me at all?

I leapt from my bed and took a shower and cleaned. I did not go outside today or yesterday. I can't remember if I went out Saturday. So I didn't succeed in going out 4 times. But I didn't want to fall on the ice yesterday and for all I know, there's still ice out there. And my dogs don't like snow and ice and cold, especially P. I also did not put together my cat's kitty tower, and I don't have any excuse for that. Maybe I can do it during my lunch break tomorrow.

Also there's a reason this venture with Dr. S has been effective. I had to do something every day and if I didn't email her, she emailed me and asked if I was able to do something for the day. So I couldn't just not do it or tell myself I'd do it tomorrow and think my nonparticipation would fly under the radar. I wouldn't ask that of you, and I wouldn't have asked that of her but it was her idea.

Well s**t... Now that was a turn up for the books... I can assure you that nobody was expecting that less than me! Now I really don't know what to do.... Do I stay or do I go? If only you and your space were different....

I don't want to scare you off because of the candy bar/old therapist situation but honestly nothing sounds good to me physically right now except those candy bars. I was going to eat the pizza Goldfish we have also talked about, but my stomach feels funny when I think of eating those. But my stomach feels ok when I think of the candy bars. I think its honestly more the mint that seems to calm my stomach ache then the psycglogical aspsect. At least these last 2 days. I'm not denying I'm obsessed with both her and the candy but right now I think its physical.

Why does everything have to feel so hard? I say "feel" so hard because I realize the things I'm finding difficult are objectively not difficult. Like right now, I'm avoiding sitting up in bed and putting in my contacts. I'm wide awake, there's nothing I can identify that is making this hard for me. But it feels like a huge thing.

Meeting in 30 minutes. Will have to at least put on my glasses and turn on laptop. And I really must feed dogs before meeting. That requires a foray into the kitchen. A long and arduous journey of 15 steps. Feels like it might as well be 15 million.

Dear T,
Feeling anxious that you haven't replied. You always reply by this time, unless maybe you're out of town. If you'd rather talk about it tomorrow, just reply and say that. I'm just concerned you're either trying to figure out how to say something you know I'll find hurtful or you're annoyed/frustrated by my email. Or that something bad happened to you.

More realistic: You had something going on fairly early this morning and haven't had a chance to respond. Or you somehow missed seeing my email.

I should have just waited until session, I guess.
Love,
LT

First of two meetings today is over. And I don't have to give any trainings or the really stressful stuff in the second. Not feeling very motivated to do the little work I have on my plate. I hate these projects I inherited from the person who got fired. They are all a mess. I've only managed to close out one of four and that's because I had a perfect client with good communication skills. One will hopefully get squared away in the next 1-2 months, another the client said they didn't want to work with us anymore (not due to me but others). The newest one will probably be ok, but they broke the software somehow so now I have to figure out what they did and fix it. Hopefully they won't break it again before we close the project. Then it will be support's problem.

Thank you for reassuring me that you hear what I'm saying. I'm closer to reaching out than not, but still scared to make that decision.

Can't spend another session on it, though. That letter has been sitting in a drawer long enough.

Dear T,
Thanks for responding so quickly to my follow-up. Good to know it was that you accidentally deleted my message on your phone as opposed to your being, say, frustrated with me (or lying in a ditch somewhere--though per the commercials, your Apple watch should help save you in such a situation). I'm not entirely sure how I feel about your response, as I think the relief of your replying is at the forefront of my mind. I guess I feel OK about it? Maybe "neutral"--like I feel neither good and reassured nor hurt. I think it's about what I expected. But I may need more time to process.
Love,
LT

L,
You really did put us in a predicament, huh? I don't know what I'm comfortable with. I'm starting to doubt some of the things we agreed to, but I also really need those things. Ugh! What do I do?

Maybe yesterday was more helpful than I first thought. Have been musing rather a lot about my abilities to “do” relationships and how I might navigate things with my siblings as things progress, and thinking about what you said yesterday.

L,
Okay. I talked to H. We'll have to just sacrifice today. It sucks because I really needed those things. But I have to make the best decision for myself and my family. This sucks!

I should get dressed and walk the dogs. Maybe in a little while. I had a burst of productivity and got most of the things I can do for work done. Meeting at 2. Maybe will go after that.

I thought maybe I would put the kitty castle together, but that feels overwhelming. Maybe my goal can be adjusted to bringing the shipping box into my bedroom, then I can put it together a little at a time anytime I have a moment where it feels manageable. The box is really heavy and is at the other end of the house.

ETA - Wow, what a lot of maybes. I guess I just don't want to commit to anything and then not follow through. I have decided I WILL go get the box this very minute.

Well I brought it back here but now I'm realizing I need to clean my room to have space to set it up. Oh well. I guess I can pick a section of my room as my space to clean for today. I hope you don't remember I set a goal to put up the kitty castle by our appointment this evening.

Thanks for the reply, E. I wish I was seeing you on Friday.