Couch 235: Home State Advantage

I guess I hadn't thought about it the other way - I'd said I was glad she hadn't worn black that day, I suppose that could have been taken as a criticism that she usually wore black. It certainly wasn't how I'd meant it. I'd been glad to see her in a cheerful color on a day that was already sad for me and if she'd worn black it would have made me feel more sad.

The difference this time that I can think of is that I feel like I actually said goodbye this time and meant it, and I feel more committed than in the past to not go back to her, and have started researching new t's for if/when I'm ready to dive back in. Like all of this processing I'm doing the past 6 weeks is how I'm working toward letting go.

I got the laundry switched around and veggies grilled and one heart crocheted. And I'm watching Who's The Boss on tv. I love Mona she's awesome.

I think it's completely fine you made that comment about her outfit, and she should realize that you didn't mean it in a critical way, given the context especially. If you say to someone "You look nice today!" yes, they could theoretically interpret it as they generally look bad, but it's also a compliment.

It sounds like an important shift in how you're viewing the ending with L this time. You're processing it in a different way. More like a grieving process, in a sense.

I just don't see it like at all.

Covid results back. Negative. I knew I was being a hypochondriac. It's just hard to know what to do nowadays when you have a symptom or two but don't really feel all that bad, because there are mild cases of Covid. I still think I did the right thing, I just also feel kind of dumb having fretted about it.

We played a fun game in group therapy last night called the UM game. You basically get asked a bunch of weird silly questions and everyone answers. It's kind of a team building, get to know each other better thing. The question I asked the group is, if you could have any imaginary pet what would it be? My answer was an invisible cat so I could take her to work with me!

I keep dreading group therapy (aftercare) but then when I go I have fun or I learn something and I'm glad I went. But like every week it's like pulling teeth with myself to get me to go. I don't know. What is this? Resistance? Maybe I'm just tired after work and don't feel like having to do one more thing!

Glad it was negative, You're not being a hypochondriac--it's good you got checked.

Great question, Kit. I like the idea of an imaginary lynx...that way someone always has my back. Glad you tested negative.

Couch question: How would you define "joy"?

Context: I'm taking this online New Year's reboot course from a local yoga studio, and in one of the lessons, she was talking about reminding yourself that "You deserve to feel joy." And my rather depressing reaction to that was to try to think of the last time I had truly felt joy and have trouble coming up with anything (at least not during the pandemic). I brought it up in session today, and something I mentioned was wondering whether my definition of "joy" was different from how most people think of it. Like could it be considered joy if I laugh at a sitcom or YouTube video? Or is it something bigger than that? (I seem to define it as the latter.)

Tonight I made a worry worm

It’s definitely not just laughing at something to me. Joy is like happiness plus in my mind. Total and so all-encompassing you feel giddy. It’s just pure delight in something.

So like when I’m in Athens, walking down the street, listening to people shouting Greek all around me, and I look up and see the sun shining down on the Parthenon...then I feel joy.

I have joy in playing with my dogs, experimenting with stuff, biking, hiking. It is like happiness+

Joy is carbohydrates. Also cat "talking" videos, and participating in Italian adult children groups on facebook, altho im not sure the other members realize thats what they are And talking with Lyft drivers - we make each other happy.

I recognize joy in those moments when I am so delighted by something that I temporarily forget about anything that's troubling me.

I feel joy hiking in the desert, when I'm talking with my son and hear his laugh, when I sing...

I can't really define it, but the last time I felt joy was when my ex and I visited our friends for the first time in San Francisco. We went out to dinner at a French place that had this amazing Cambozola "dip" with crostini and I happily spent an obscene amount of money to pay for dinner for the five of us. Afterwards, in the Uber, we went down Lombard Street. I was tipsy from all the wine we'd had and felt just in the moment and happy. That was over 7 years ago and is the last time I remember feeling truly happy. It was so fleeting.

Mornin' couch. Wide awake at 3:30 am. Before I woke up I was dreaming that I was wearing lots of mascara and had these big, long eyelashes, was self conscious about them. I don't ever wear makeup anymore in real life, and even when I did, only rarely would bother with that so it was a weird dream. My first thoughts are that mascara is related to eyes, an adornment for eyes so to speak, and through our eyes is how we see the world, is something I'm doing trying to 'pretty up' how I see the world or some situation? My situation with L? I'll think more on this later. I'm starting to feel like I may be able to go back to sleep so I'm heading back to bed.

For me, thick black mascara like you describe actually obstructed or distorted the way I viewed the world.

When I was a teenager, they came out with clear mascara that had vitamins and such and that was all I would wear. (But I'm blessed with plentiful eyelashes.)

I stopped wearing any makeup when I was 16. Tried once or twice since then, but it never stuck. I only ever wore it for dates or job interviews.

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I think both interpretations of the mascara work for you, art. Yes, you wnt to “pretty up” the world (that whole Hallmark ending thing). But at the same time the mascara hides your view of the world, it may keep you from assessing it accurately.

Thanks for all the "joy" definitions! Sounds like some of you define it like me--@@'s "happiness-plus" seems to fit. And some have a sort of looser definition. I'm going to try to think more on what it means to me. Electric Manatee's description of "when I am so delighted by something that I temporarily forget about anything that's troubling me"--that resonates as well.

Dr. T said his first thought of where I feel joy is "music concerts" (yes, he said that phrase), and I agreed with that. Haven't been to one in 2 years due to the pandemic. I had a ticket to one for this coming Tuesday but am not going, as it's a fairly large indoor venue, and I don't feel safe there right now, even though they require vaccination. Hoping I'll feel comfortable going to the show I have tickets for in March, or at least the April and May ones. In the meantime, I want to try to figure out other ways to feel joy. Listening to music in general can feel close at times.

EM's definition also ties into a discussion I was having in a session last week, where Dr. T said it seemed like it was difficult for me to put anxieties (like over Covid, my D, etc.) out of my head, even for a few moments. We weren't talking about joy in particular then, but it seems like it would be connected to my ability to feel that. So working on ways to be able to put those things out of my head temporarily could also help, I'd think. Along with just helping ease stress.

*considers what kinds of concerts there would be without music*

“Dr. T said it seemed like it was difficult for me to put anxieties (like over Covid, my D, etc.) out of my head, even for a few moments.”

Please tell me he’s not just noticing this after four years...

I think joy is relative. I'm sure the "joy" experienced by me with extreme depression is a whole different thing from someone who lives a happier, more social life.

I guess one would say I experience joy from a day off of work, finally cleaning a small area of my house, or getting a pizza. My standards are very low.

Wasn't there some concert by Philip Glass where he didn't play a single note? (Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong person.)

I think I made a joke about the comment on my anxieties, like "Are you just realizing this after 4 years?" He said something like how if that were the case, he should probably have his PhD in psychology taken away from him.

John Cage 4'33"