Do we get fooled by their "therapist persona"? I think we do.

IDK if you’re familiar with the concept of fundamental attribution error? I think it’s helpful whenever we extrapolate a lot (especially deep things like values) about a person based on a few details or actions, which of course is the situation we find ourselves in with our therapists a lot. I think that could easily apply here.

It’s easier to be happy when we decide that people’s goodness is genuine, that their crappiness is just clumsy and not personal to us (with few exceptions for truly dangerous people), and that we are all just doing our best.

Do people have to live lives similar to yours in order to understand you?

You kind of have to accept that “a lot” of money is kind of relative. What you consider lots of money might not be for others.

Also would it give you peace of mind if you tried to feel happy for other people? Someone else always has more than us. We just can’t escape it

Nothing wrong with looking for a therapist with a similar life style. Like certain age or gender or other details (I wanted therapist with immigration experience for example). That’s understandable. You focus on finances a lot though, not being happy they are financially better off than you. It’s just something you probably have to accept.

Not criticising you, Sarah as I've asked my current therapist a lot if she can relate to my past and current circumstances and the painful experiences in my life.

I firmly believe folks can sense incongruence in therapists and my T does agree folks can sense inauthenticity.

There's also nothing wrong in wanting a therapist with common shared values.

I'm using examples here on how my therapist shows me her shared values even though we're very different socio-economically and in other significant ways.

As she lives in a really nice house with her parents and siblings and sometimes goes to nice fancy restaurants.

As well as certain demographic features as she's got a PhD, and more opportunities I never got, and I'm not university educated.

She doesn't have to personally have experienced what I have and what other clients have, in order to be able to put herself in my shoes. She can empathise and respond with compassion (and not pity, folks can sense it).

She can still relate in important ways because she knows a wide range of people in her professional and personal life. Which of course I don't know details about, due to confidentiality, but she has said stuff on which shows me she understands.

I'm sure there are therapists who only know other middle class people etc.

My therapist has a sliding scale where those who can easily afford more, pay more. And those in financial hardships pay less.

I'm currently mostly unable to work yet don't qualify for even time limited partial state assistance with living expenses. Even as my life savings are almost gone and I've been malnourished as a result. Which of course is depressing and I get suicidal often.

So I'm seeing my therapist for free, temporarily.

Another example, my therapist is Christian and my society in general is full of conservative Christians with certain values which are very bigoted.

Disclaimer: Please know I don't hate Christians, and I'm NOT looking to start a debate and am only using my lived experience as someone with a ton of emotional scars due to experiencing a ton of direct and indirect harm from a particular kind of Christian.

So, I have had justified fears I'll be referred to "conversion therapy" or be judged for my sexual orientation and gender identity. And of course I projected onto my T. Which is probably normal.

My T proved to be safe, understanding my fears and deep pain, and I've been slowly working on my religious abuse.

Some questions. You don't have to answer these.

Maybe that therapist of yours gives therapy at a church in order to help the less fortunate?

Maybe she donates money to charities?

Maybe in her restaurant business, she pays workers a good wage (some places have no minimum wage or it isn't enough to live on) simply because she wants to, instead of accumulating even more money as she knows she's well off?

I think a therapist needs to at least have experienced some of what I´ve gone through to relate to me in a way that makes me feel understood. It can´t just be technique or guesses only but also lived experience.

It´s not the money per se, or the salary they make that matter to me. It´s the life I assume they live, I know it might not be as I think it is, but still a lot of money gives you a completely different life style than I have.

As with my former therapist, she was married to one of the star chefs in Sweden and they run several of Sweden´s most expensive restaurants. Of course that´s not what I would have guessed or expected if I had been asked "what do you think your therapist has worked with before she was a therapist?"

That´s because, as I see it, the top notch restaurant business which really doesn´t have poor people as their main customers is very far from working within church and sitting peacefully listening to peoples problems. Often people living under difficult conditions.

Perhaps I see it this way as I´m not a person who could work within very different businesses. I´m very true to my personality and my values and they don´t change. I could never get into a business or job that doesn´t align with my personality or values. I´m not interested in trying out a lot of things, I know where I stand and my values has to fit into the work I do.

My qualified guess is that my therapist got tired of working in different restaurants and living such a hectic life as I understand she and her husband did. That she wanted some other value to her life and by that changed her life rather radically.

I think this topic just hit a nerve for several people, me included. I keep coming to this thread and I should probably stop but I continue being bothered by the concept that people who work (hard demanding jobs that likely pay well) somehow have easier life then those who don’t work (and understandably have less money). I am not saying that everyone must work. Of course many cannot, or cannot work full time.

I understand that I am oversimplify it but I am bothered by generalization that those who work (get up early, commute, have demanding stressful tasks to complete) have easier life than those who don’t work (as a generalization not even looking at specific situations). It contradicts common sense to me and is borderline offensive.

My husband has Tourette’s with severe OCD. Life is a struggle. He works a demanding hard job for which he is somewhat fairly compensated, extra due to working night shifts. If someone said he just doesn’t understand hardships because he can buy nice things or travel or go go to a fancy restaurant or maybe even that he isn’t a true Christian is very illogical and somewhat offensive.

Sure there are people who were born into money or inherited money or won a lottery. But those are very few selected ones. Most people have money and buy things because they have earned it! Often very hard way. And keeping a job and deal with work tasks is a hardship all in itself!

And in a specific situation of a woman working for a restaurant business, those are very very hard jobs. Very stressful!