Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Now I do feel like I did something wrong because I asked to reschedule because I wasn't feeling good. Yet you switched from in person to virtual twice and went on vacation all withen a month and I didn't care, and I am thinking my one time getting sick and reschedling for 2 days later is going to get me fired or something. And to be honest my stomach still feels a bit off and I still feel kinda sick and I think you'd have been even more freaked out if I had come into the office like this yesterday when things were even worse. But I plan on discussing some things with you today including possibly doing 2 virtual sessions a month, and then doing the other 2 sessions in person. Going to the office every week is just too much for me.

I'm not sure you will be happy that I seem to be able to only handle saltine crackers, soup, regular flavors of coca cola and peanut butter and everything else makes me want to puke my guts out and I'm starting to get scared to eat other stuff. I know healthy eating/eating disorders is a huge part of what we work on but if food is making me physically sick then I'm not going to eat it and I also don't think its your problem either its more of an MD's problem. But you always grill me about what I eat for breakfast when we meet at 9AM. So I am expecting a full interrogation tonight of what I've eaten today and if your not happy then so be it.

Dear T,
I guess I was needlessly worried that you'd say something today about my comment in the email. I suppose I could have brought that up, but didn't want to dredge something up if you'd just let it go (or if it hadn't even bothered you at all). Think we had some good insight at the end of today's session that I need to think on some more. I definitely think feeling that I need to make the perfect choice (which of course isn't possible) plays a role in the one thing we talked about.

And I suspect feeling I need to do other things perfectly is part of it, too--like "I'm going to exercise 3 times a week," then if I only manage to do so twice, feeling like I've failed, making it more likely that I give up. Instead of thinking "Well, I did exercise twice, need to try again next week to hit the goal" or "Twice is better than not at all!" or "This was a really busy week, so it's OK that I only went for two walks."

How did you not realize I had strong health anxiety though? I mean, beyond and predating Covid? I guess maybe it's something I just don't talk about much?

Now it feels like a long time between now and Monday...I'm used to just Friday to Monday. I mean, it's just one day long. And I got through 6 days OK (well, I did send an email, but otherwise), so I can certainly get through 4, right? And I used to do Thurs.-Mon. all the time. I suppose this is good practice for when I switch to twice a week, too. Whenever that happens! Hopefully by summer? I'm thinking D not being in school will take a lot of stress off.

And I'm glad you don't intend to stop in-person anytime soon. (Please don't go digging into statistics and change your mind!)

Love,
LT

E: you really are great. Thanks for the response.

Yeah, my dear ex-T, I'm still thinking about this and haven't yet been able to let it go. Especially this month with all the emotional writing. It's just, I feel kinda sad for you, you know? That you felt like you had to hide behind your profession and insist that even a long-term client like myself couldn't possibly have a sense of who you are as a person. (I know, I know, Artie let it go already.) It just doesn't make sense to me that you had to be so, almost defensive about it. Although maybe it's good that you did, that you were, because that whole thing was part of why I left. I always told you that I never had the intention to "do this stuff" forever, and 10 years was getting too close to forever or something, so that was all wrapped up in my reason for leaving too. I'll be honest with you though. I think that I might never have left if you hadn't become so insistent with your "You don't really know me" stuff. There must have been a better way for you to handle whatever was evidently so triggering to you about it all. The rest of why I left, we would have continued talking about and worked through; that stuff alone would not have made me leave. I can't share any of this with you now of course so I have to put it here instead and pretend I am telling you. I can't help but feel that you missed the mark with your continued insistence. And am also realizing that if you really truly believe that, then you don't really know me, either. So I guess we are even on that score. I'm not upset or angry or hurt anymore. Just, like I said, kinda sad for you. Part of me wants to talk with you about this. But the rest of me knows there's really no point to it.

Sorry I didn't wish you a happy Easter. The two words still jar in the same sentence for me. I hope you have a nice break.

I was so zoned out for our session it reminds me of this line from SpongeBob

"Do you remember what we talked about?"
"Something about root beer right?"

You missed another good drum circle last night. Hope to see you on there again one of these weeks. Even though I can't actually talk to you or anything, it is still nice to see your smiling face in a little box.

I'm feeling overwhelmed today, and I don't know why. The thing I'm overwhelmed by already happened, or didn't happen...it's a strange kind of anniversary to have.

Dear T,
Well, I made the doctor's appointment we'd discussed, and I'm able to see someone in early May (I couldn't have gone sooner than last week of this month anyway based on my last appointment). See, I'm trying! Hopefully now you won't tell me you'll be out Friday that week so I can only see you Thursday (when I made the appt.) or something... I'll ask about that Monday.

It's been pretty stressful with D today, not sure what's going on. Why does this have to happen the day *after* she saw her psychiatrist? Hoping she'll be OK with H's mom so that he and I can grab an early dinner.

Happy Passover (or however I'm supposed to phrase it)! I'm wondering if that's why you were taking today off? Not that you seem religious, but I could imagine your extended family might be doing something. Or maybe your day off is for some completely unrelated reason.

Love,
LT

You'll let it go when you're ready to let it go Artie bean. Don't force it.

Despite her take, after 10 years of therapy you did know a part of her which her family and friends will never know. What it was to be in therapy with her.

I love that dear Lemon. Thank you.

Dear M,

After already taking a two week break from therapy I know I should go back. I don't like the person I've been for the past few days. Just angry and hurtful.

I don't want to ever say that I need you.
I don't want you to be there for me.
I don't want to get attached.

I wish now that I did take the session you offered yesterday.

Hey L here I am again on a Friday during the 1-2pm hour we used to spend together. I miss how we used to be, before I ****ed it all up. I really do.

I pride myself on being articulate, as you know. I am struggling to articulate what I am feeling at the moment. A mixture of old feelings and my fresh grief for Steve. That keeps coming in waves, and I feel like I should know what to do with it. I don't.

I cannot continue to harbour this anger, but I cannot let it out indiscriminately.

I really like this, Lemon, the part about knowing a part of the therapist that friends and family will never know. It is a unique relationship. Also a special one.

...and one that can be so very difficult to let go of.

I wish I was able to function on Thursday so I could have told you how bad things actually are.

So very, very, very, very difficult!

L, I'm finally starting to figure out that what I had been thinking awhile back is very true. That this next part of my psychological growth that I embarked upon in mid-December can be done only inside myself.... and that growth includes working through all the feelings that have come up after leaving therapy, now that I'm finally actually allowing those feelings to come... I did for a couple weeks after our last session, but then the overtime at work started in early January and at that point I pushed it all away cuz I didn't the energy for it while working so many hours. Anyway coming back to see you again now like part of me wants to do, would be an attempt to avoid doing this bit of my work. So I'm going to continue writing through those feelings, and I hereby promise myself that if I'm still also struggling with the whole turning 60/facing my own mortality thing by the time my birthday gets here in July, then I can call you. Or someone else. But for now it's gotta be just me.