Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I hope you don't mind me interjecting here ... we found the soda stream not really worth it. Some people love theirs. If lowering sugar intake is the goal, I have found mixing soda with sparkling flavored water works pretty good.

Dear T,
I had a realization about something, in terms of generally feeling OK that you found my knowing your birthday "maybe a little bit weird" (or whatever words you used).

Maybe it’s actually more about *my* reaction? With the stone, your finding it a bit “weird” or “creepy” felt like the end of the world to me, like “Oh no, now he’s going to reject me.” But now it’s like, “OK, so he’s a little weirded out by it, it’s OK, he’s not going to abandon me over it.” Like more security in the relationship (and also knowing how easily weirded out your are!). And maybe growth in general on my part? Something to discuss Monday maybe.

Love,
LT

I am not yet making art, but I am making notes.
I hope that I will be able to read them to you on Thursday.

Dear T,

I feel unsettled. I'm not sure how else to try and describe it. Life is good right now. Really good, and yet underlying is still this..... Unsettledness. I feel like I have a lot of words inside me but I'm not sure what they are, where to write them, who to talk to (hah, yeah right, like they can be spoken!) or how I am supposed to live the happiness fully with this all stuck inside me.

I wondered whether I use the book to write in, but then I might upset the flow of the book, the plan to have a double page spread for each session. I just wondered whether writing in there might be helpful.

When K left, my friend gifted me a self care box, and in there was a notebook. I used it to write... A lot... About K leaving and my feelings and thoughts around that whole mess. I found it useful, so maybe I'm thinking just putting pen to paper and letting it flow would be a good thing for me again.

No idea what Tuesday will bring. It's getting quite close to our break though, I am aware of that.

In other news K and I learnt a new step this week, I think. Well, when I say learn, I actually mean had a go at, because I think it takes time to learn things. It seemed to go ok though. I sent a message wishing her a happy Friday and telling her a little of what I had planned for the weekend, and she replied telling me what her plans were. I'm not sure I expected that but I'm glad she could open up just a little to me, too.

Time. Slowly learning. Slowly adjusting. Taking time to see if this is right for me, and I wonder if she is taking time to see if it is right for her as well. If I am being completely honest with myself I'm not 100% sure it is right for me, as things are, but it is right to keep trying. I am open to the possibility, though, that one day it might not be. That's enormous progress I think.

I think it would be fascinating to look back on that notebook I just said about, to see how things were a year ago Vs how they are now.

Hmmm, I wonder what you told them that they would only grant 10 sessions, not 48. Or rather, I wonder what you didn't tell them. We need to find a solution for this, please. Hugs, Kate

Dear T,
How am I possibly going to be able to manage the week or two after H's surgery? Laid up with the worst migraine I've had in a while (meds helping some, but just had to take second dose), and D is flipping out because I don't want to help her pick out clothes--want to stay up here in the dark. And now I feel like I suck as a parent because of that, even though I know that's not true--I suck as a parent for other reasons (sorta kidding but not really).

And that's just one small thing I typically do with her. H does lots of things, so I'm picturing all sorts of meltdowns all day and evening long if I have to do them instead of her. She's already protesting the idea of my having to do some of those things, and it's over a week away. Plus there's a 3-day weekend in there. Right I guess I do have the outdoor concert, and she's already spending the night with my MIL that night, so that is some sort of built-in break. (Though I feel guilty for even thinking I'd want a break....)

Also worried about what happens if I become seriously ill or injured. At least we have a sort-of backup plan in terms of taking her to/from school--and I guess if absolutely needed, she could stay at my mother-in-law's (or possibly my parents', depending on the timing). I know single parents do this all the time and that H will at least be at the house (it's not like he's away and she can't see him). But I'm just predicting a nightmare....

Hope I can still be seeing you in-person then, too, so I can have an excuse to escape from the house...

Also hope you're having a good birthday weekend.

Love,
LT

I thought about getting one when they first came out. But now it just seems like a lot of work and more money then buying soda. I'd rather just drink soda in moderation the way I normally do. I do drink Lacroix sometimes.

You told me that I seem to choose food because of the texture rather then the taste and that makes it hard for people to decide if I have an eating disorder or if its just part of my autism. I do tend to choose texture over taste. Which is why I often don't eat much or have a lot of favorite foods and I don't like real flavorful food. The only thing I really enjoy the taste of is soda. But I've started limiting myself on that because you wanted me to.

Hi R,

I think songs cycle around in my world. I've been dimly aware of David Bazan for about 10 years, but now his song 'Curse Your Branches' has new meaning for me.

'Digging up the root of my confusion
If no one planted it, how does it grow?
And why are some hell-bent upon there being an answer
While some are quite content to answer 'I don't know'...'





Maybe I'm reading too much into the chorus, but it seems to fit with Steve's situation.
Certainly fits with the questioning that I am experiencing at the moment.


'All fallen leaves should curse their branches
For not letting them decide where they should fall
And not letting them refuse to fall at all...'


If you haven't said anything about disruption next week, I hope it stands to reason that there won't be any disruption. Serial overthinker here, but then, you know that...

Four more sleeps, I think.

Dear t,
I feel okay even though I'm doing things that aren't advisable. And you're going to give me a disappointed look when I tell you. But I don't plan on hiding it. It's an acceptable form of burying my feelings.

M is nice enough but he is not you.

So we did an afternoon session today, but I was just feeling off and found it hard to even focus properly.

He said we could split the session and do the other half in the rest of the week.

Well.... I wonder what tomorrow will bring....

Dear T,
I feel bad about that one thing regarding D--I'm worried you may have interpreted in a way other than how I meant it, just in your reaction. Though maybe I wasn't fully sure *how* I meant it even. Maybe it was just some thought floating in my head that I had to get out, to understand what it means?

Your analogies about walking through the field were helpful in some ways. And I need to think on them more (and I'm glad you got my Oregon Trail reference!). But at the same time, I'm someone who does better with some form of a map. Or at least a particular destination? And right now, that's all fuzzy.

Hm...I guess in a way, I'm looking for a map for buildings that haven't been constructed yet, roads that haven't been paved yet, towns that don't exist? I don't know, I think I'm too tired to work more on this metaphor right now.... Maybe Wednesday?

Love,
LT

See, this is why I said I wish I had someone like in that comic. I can't really count on you. You have your life and I'm part of your work. I know you care but there are limits because you're my therapist. I was saying I wish I had a friend or partner. Some connection to somebody in real life. You can't come over and watch a movie with me when I'm down.

Dear T,

I'm sorry I am such hard work.

I didn't make the smoothie. Sorry. I got the ingredients at least.

Dear t,
I'm glad you called. I can't chicken out now. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I'm planning on going on my annual lake trip at the same time my transference T is. For some weird unknown reason we happen to vacation at the same lakeside town. I've been going there yearly since 2016. I always went labor day weekend and she always went the week before so we didn't run into each other. But this year its different and I'm going at the same time as her. That is if she still goes at that time. I'm nervous but its not like I'm going to give up my yearly vacation for her. I'm not sure what the chances of me running into her are. Its a very crowded town and I'm not sure she would recgonize me. But I think anyone would be kinda weirded out at the least by this.

So I bought a book to write in... Hopefully that will mean I write here less and that I can write whatever and whenever I like.

Dear T,
Talking to B today helped, but brace yourself for lots of tears tomorrow regarding D.
Love,
LT