Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I really like this, Lemon, the part about knowing a part of the therapist that friends and family will never know. It is a unique relationship. Also a special one.

...and one that can be so very difficult to let go of.

I wish I was able to function on Thursday so I could have told you how bad things actually are.

So very, very, very, very difficult!

L, I'm finally starting to figure out that what I had been thinking awhile back is very true. That this next part of my psychological growth that I embarked upon in mid-December can be done only inside myself.... and that growth includes working through all the feelings that have come up after leaving therapy, now that I'm finally actually allowing those feelings to come... I did for a couple weeks after our last session, but then the overtime at work started in early January and at that point I pushed it all away cuz I didn't the energy for it while working so many hours. Anyway coming back to see you again now like part of me wants to do, would be an attempt to avoid doing this bit of my work. So I'm going to continue writing through those feelings, and I hereby promise myself that if I'm still also struggling with the whole turning 60/facing my own mortality thing by the time my birthday gets here in July, then I can call you. Or someone else. But for now it's gotta be just me.

I miss you.

Dear K,

I'm sitting outside at 9.20 watching the moon. Moonbathing!! The feelings I have for you are so real. If it isn't love, I don't know what it is. Gratitude. Awe. You are the inspirational one, to me, but it was really good to hear you 'say' I am inspirational too. I wish I could really talk to you. I don't think either of us are ready for that though, are we. One day, my dear K, one day.

Things feel very different now to how they did a year ago, for me at least. Personally I feel I am settling into this whole 'knowing you are there but not there' situation and I am doing ok with it. Really, I am. That doesn't mean I will let you go though, I'm afraid. I can't explain it fully but I just can't do that to myself. If you believe in something, never give up on it.

With regards to 'the work', I am moving on. I'm really glad, in a way, that things worked out the way they did. You know I believe the universe has a way of working things out, well maybe the fact that we couldn't get into the trauma work in the first place was because somewhere we both knew we weren't going to be able to finish it. But we did finish the attachment work, I believe. I was talking to someone online this week and I genuinely believe that I came through the other side of that.

An outside might not believe that, given how hard 'losing you' has been for me, but I would stand by the fact that I do think we did complete this phase of the work. It didn't end in a great way, and of course that filled me with grief and indescribable pain, but that doesn't take away from the fact that we really did make enormous strides and I really did turn my life around with regards to all of that.

That said, we did build a genuine connection between us. I know it, and I know you know it too. I saw it in your face that day, and I had heard it in your voice and felt it in your actions way too many times over the years not to be able to believe it.

My attention is now turned to the trauma work. I am trying my damnedest to do this, for me. But that is totally separate, and I'm glad for that.

I have a plan. A grand plan! It's coming up to a year when the chain of events started that led to you leaving. I will send you a card that week. Because I remember. I remember and I want you to know I remember. I'm so sorry for you. Not in an overly sympathetic way, but I'm am honestly caring way.

And then a couple of months after that I plan to write. To really write to you. Open and heartfelt. To lay the new me in front of you, I guess, and see what you do with that. Can we play chess as an open game, rather than a closed one? I'll let you see my hand, and I hope you'll let me see yours.

I love you, K.

I noticed that quick look of pity you gave me Thursday night. I think you do understand how scared I am. Don't leave me. I don't think much of her anymore. The other day for the first time in about 2 months I remembered being left alone christmas 2020. And I remember how sick I felt every time I did therapy with her. And I don't feel those things with you. You are just normal.

I want to go to the hospital but I think I just need to eat and its messing up my thinking. Theres really no reason for me to be there besides the fact I just want to go there. I actually really need to go to these medical appointments I have next week more then go to an IP mental health hospital for no reason. But I will discuss this with you.

E: is it next friday? i’m terrified of going to work.

I am planning on having a nice long conversation with you in my head tonight. I have a lot to talk about after the realizations I had today. I know it's not the same as actually talking with you but it helps.

Remember what I said about the moon, before you went out of town that one winter? Yeah, that.

Hey,

I hope you liked the tea bags, or a colleague liked it. I feel it's important to pay you a fee in some small way, yes...because in our sessions together with all the other stuff you do with regards to me...it's focused on me and my needs.

You see some of my blind spots, and we're obviously long past the time you had to be so careful about how you highlighted a possibly unhelpful pattern about me.

Do I miss having more friends? Of course... I did not expect to be betrayed so badly by them, then to endure more abuse and facing houselessness twice now. I need to listen to my gut more, that low key uneasiness even when someone seemed quite alright for a long time.

Sometimes I don't know if it's irrational anxiety or a "correct" gut feeling. Grateful to my remaining friends, and of course, how I adapt and recover better even when I'm under a high load of chronic stress.

I clearly still need you as a mentor for the super difficult stuff (relative to my increasing capacity), and I do practice a lot of stuff outside in my life.

I'm going to look into muscle armouring, and it will be an interesting discussion after intry different exercises on what helps me and what doesn't.

There was this traumatic incident that happened when I was 14 that bothered me for many years and then I seemed to have made peace with it a couple years ago but now its bothering me again and these last couple days its really been bad. But I don't know if you are capabale of working through it with me. I don't know what your expertise is with trauma. No offense but you arent even 30 so I kinda feel like you won't get how to help me with it. And I know I'm just being biased and stuff. But this incident just really is bugging me and its making me really crabby.

It's late in the day, but I hope you are having a good Easter.
I'm pleased that I will see my nephew in a couple of days.
A week later, I will see you. Maybe in between times I can try and find a way to articulate this anger.

I'm not ok. If it wasn't Easter, I would call you.

I want to go IP so badly right now but I don't know what my options are. I wish I could email you to get into see you sooner but you most likely don't have anything and what you would have would probably be remote. Plus I'm kinda booked myself with appointments and probably can't see you earlier as well. But I am really really struggling right now. I sometimes feel like I'm too much for you. I took my meds late because of the dinner fiasco. So I just took them now. I'm hoping they kick in soon. My mom knows how frustrated I got about things but she doesn't know how bad they really are. Although I am closed off in my room and ignoring everyone at Easter so I'm guessing she has an idea of how things are going.

And then I take my meds and stuff and get my mental health under control and then the physical stuff is more noticeable then its been all day and I just don't know what to do.

TV triggers are the worst. I actually got up and left the room tonight.
No sitcom needs that many references to you know what.
It wasn't funny then, and it definitely isn't funny now.

Empty words

I am so depressed and anxious about work. I don’t want to go back. I wish I could go back to wellness for a break, but i can’t. this is all on top of missing Jack.

No. It. Is. Not. Enough.

I will get to a place where I won't need therapy but I WILL need you.

Is there a difference?

I strongly believe there is.

I drove past the office today. I mean I drive by it almost every day I'm out so I didn't go out if my way to be a creep. But I've been thinking of you a bit today. I was waiting at the doctors and I was wondering if you were going to ask how today went. My doctor kinda confirmed I'm not feeling good because of medical reasons. I know you don't really show your concern out loud because of your boundary issues. But I can tell by your face when you are concerned.

Dear T,

I hope you are ok. Selfishly really. I could really do with not having to change therapists again. I could also really do with not having to take an extended break. Seems you didn't pass it on to me, which is good, but I am concerned because you didn't reply to my email asking if you would let me know before our next session whether you are good or not. Obviously the human in me also hopes, for your sake, that you are ok. Rubbish timing what with your holiday planned for this week, I am assuming you haven't been able to go? Anyway. Take care of yourself and I hope that all is well.

Me

Dear T,
I think I got some important stuff out today, both in terms of things we talked about and a sort of release from the intense crying. I feel lighter now, if a bit exhausted.

In light of that, I suppose it's good I'm not going to the concert tonight. I did feel a moment of sadness when the venue sent me an update about the show tonight (of course not knowing I'd sold the ticket), but it was only a little twinge. The fact that it's cold and pouring rain outside right now probably helps.

I did feel a bit triggered with your sending me the Zoom link by mistake at the start, but am relieved you were there in the office. If I'd had to meet with you on my phone from my car in your parking lot, I'd have felt sad. And a bit abandoned. I'm just going to confirm "in person" from now on, especially as you said it's no bother at all to text a "yes" or thumbs up in return. I do understand how it can autofill in the iphone calendar, as I struggle with that at times, too.

You really should work on your transitions, though--please don't ever again start something with "Since you're already crying...." You had to know my brain would go to really bad potential things! Also, I'm glad you have no plans to be away until July.

Love,
LT

Wow, LT. I know we don't reply here, but that seems incredibly callous on Dr. T's part.
I know he doesn't do feelings, but...that's absolutely uncalled for.