Can't get the words out

Sometimes when I'm in therapy, I literally cannot say what I want to say. It's not usually about any kind of horrific thing that happened to me, or something I'm ashamed of.

It's about what I want - what I need, in that moment. My brain and body go red hot because I want to say it so badly, but my mouth just will not say the words. I just talk about something useless instead. I suppose I'm terrified of rejection or not having my needs met. It happened to me on Monday and I'm still feeling awful about it. Anyone else experience that?

Oh yes... All the time. All the time. Have you tried writing instead of taking? For some reason I find it easier. Not always, but sometimes, I am sure to write what I cannot speak.

Yes I do write things to him sometimes . My T rarely brings up things I have written though. He did reject something I wrote once, so maybe that's why my mouth doesn't say things like that anymore.

I meant in the session really. I have a clipboard, paper and pen, and when I can't talk, I write it and show her. It has been my preferred method of communication for difficult topics for some years now, and figure if it works, it works. Over time, some things get easier to say.

How did he reject it? That's terrible. I'm sorry he did that. Nothing you have to say (and that includes writing in my opinion) should be rejected. Don't people realise that verbal communication makes up a tiny fraction of total communication, and some people can quite effycommunicate without the spoken word.

I remember going to see the school counsellors when I was younger and all I remember was them repeatedly saying "if you won't talk, I can't help you". Shame on them. It isn't a matter of won't, but can't, and the fact that they aren't inventive enough to find alternative methods is just testament to how rubbish they are.

Sorry, it always touches a nerve thinking of that. Just to say though, that there are many other ways other than spoken word. I used to communicate with my old T using hangman sometimes. Painfully slow, but it was the only way I could do it at the time!

Ah I see , yes that would make sense to write it in session. Once I wrote to him that I would like a hug (physical touch has always been really difficult for me so it felt like a big step forward tbh) and he told me he sometimes hugged clients but couldn't hug me. That was years ago but it stings so hard still. I've never asked for anything similar since.

People have said the same to me, about if I don't talk they can't help! Truthfully I wish he could read my mind and give me what I need, without me having to say it.

The hangman sounds quite good. I'll have a thing what I could do, thank you.

Oh, I'm so sorry about his hug comment. My ex-T said something similar to me once, that hugs some clients but wouldn't hug me because of my maternal transference. It felt like I was being punished for my feelings. A year or two later, she did start allowing occasional hugs, like if I was really upset or she was about to go out of town. But I still was afraid of asking for them too often, that she might think a session wasn't "hug-worthy."

I also think of when I asked my T a few years ago (pre-pandemic) if he could stand at the end of a session when I leave, and he was so strongly opposed without giving explanation (and it led to a bit of a rupture) that I also didn't ask for anything from him, no matter how small, for a long time. (He did eventually start standing, but it was like he had to do it on his own terms or something.)

In terms of your original question, I do struggle to ask for what I want or need at times (so when I asked my T to stand, I actually thought it was progress that I was able to ask!) You mention your body feeling hot. I find that when I want to ask about or say something in session, but am afraid, I'll get really anxious, up to the level of having a panic attack at times. Or I'm just more distant and sort of disengaged. When I recognize that, I'll try to figure out what it is that I want to share/ask and do my best to get that out.

I second the idea of writing, whether in session or via email. In terms of his not bringing it up, maybe you could say to him something like, "I may need help talking about this, so could you start with something like 'I read your email. Do you want to talk more about it?'"

I also find that prefacing what I'm going to say with "I'm afraid to ask/say this," or "I'm worried about how you'll react to this," something like that can help defuse the fear a bit. Even just saying "I'm feeling really anxious today for some reason" can help, because it puts it out there and I'm not trying to conceal it. Then he might ask what's going on, if there's something else I want to talk about, etc.

The T's hug comment sounds very insensitive. It's completely natural that it stung so hard (and still stings). I don't understand the point in him saying he sometimes hugged other clients but couldn't hug you.

I think it was a step forward for you to ask.

I hope you find another way to communicate. Words can be hard for me too.

I know how you feel, it can happen to me a lot as well.

Sometimes I find it helpful to talk about the stuck feeling or the wanting to say something without actually saying what it is. You can also take it a step further back and talk about that feeling when it isn't happening. I told my T about how sometimes she looks/seems like my mom in little flashes, like an expression or a gesture, and it makes me freeze up. She encouraged me to tell her in the moment if I could. I've slowly started to be able to tell her when it happens (even just "I'm getting mom vibes right now") and it's making it easier to experience it and process it. But if I had tried to initially raise the subject when I was feeling it, it would have been a lot harder.

Thank you. I thought it was a big step forward for me to ask too, I was paralysed by his response…I think that part of me still is. He’s never brought it up since or tried to fix it, so I’m stuck with that forever. In a bad place at the moment so I don’t know how I can stand to be in the same room tbh. Everything just feels painful.

HUGS Lostislost

Yes, especially to the bolded part. I am so fortunate that I have a T that seems to key in to when I potentially need something from her. I have never actually voiced a need, but it is reassuring that she is that attuned.