[MissCharlotte]

Hi everyone,

Well I did go to T today. This morning I was in such bad shape that I was flooding.

I have had dreams the past two nights that brought up memories of past abuse. This morning, I was crying in the car on the way to work. I called T and asked him to leave me a message that he would be there for me later on. He did. It was perfect, soothing and inviting. He left a message telling me that I was safe and that he was there and would see me at 5 o'clock and it was a good place to be. So intuitively, he knew exactly what I needed to hear. Or was it that I was able to ask for what I needed?

When I arrived at his office I sat in the waiting room for five minutes and meditated. By the time I went in to T's office, I was calm and ready to reclaim my voice. I was able to articulate my need to resolve the current rupture so that I could move forward into next week without the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing. (Next week I have some medical concerns to attend to and I want my head to be screwed on right.)

I said, "I need to be here, now, in this space, with you." He knew exactly what I meant--that I was ready to engage in real time and explain to him what I had been bringing to the table over the past few weeks. I told him a tale of two fathers I experienced growing up--one an abusive alcoholic--the other, a loving father who was an entertaining conversationalist, and how I had transferred this onto him and experienced two T's. There was so much more but suffice it to say we are back on track. And, I didn't give up anything I wasn't ready to!

I will tell you guys this--I was so desperate and despondent these past few days. I was actually ready to march across the hallway and use the therapist who is in the office next to him. The working through is extremely painful and it is the pain of abandonment.

The layers of experience upon which we build our context of the world truly amaze me.

Peace

[Perna]

Oh, wow, that ending was interesting; you talked about the tale of two fathers, the experiencing of two T's and then, talked about how desperate and despondent you were that you were going to use the "identical" T in the office next to him! Physical two T's.

I'm glad you got a lot resolved/head back on so you can do your medical stuff next week.

((((((((sister))))))))))) I can only imagine how hard that was.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey thanks Perna & Esther.

Perna, I didn't even realize the two physical T's connection till you wrote it!!!!!!!!! Isn't it so cool how our unconscious works?

By the way, the two fathers were both the same person--so unmanageable for a child. So, I felt I didn't know which T I would get--the good T or the bad T.

[Flowerb]

I'm so impressed with the amount of work you've done. It is hard to see when we are projecting and even harder to allow all those painful feelings out into the room to examine. I love that your therapist was able to leave you the perfect voice mail to soothe you. I hope you kept it!

I hope you can take some of the peace into the weekend with you. And good luck on next week's medical procedures

[Mouse_]

Sister, this is mind %#@&#! stuff! I know it happens to me a lot. I sometimes put my head in my hands crying and ask T if she is %#@&#! with my head???Her quite voice replys, no.

I then say, it feels like one minute your pulling me closer, the next your pushing me away. She replys, like your mother did?>

Sometimes it happens that I then begin to actually see her morth into my mother, and then back again into T. Thats when I know that particular transferrence is beginning to break down, not before its been felt and expressed.

I'm beginning to see better now when I am going into one of these stages, and yes when one looks back its almost like a work of art how our unconsious works.

[MissCharlotte]

Flowerb,

Yeah,love that voice mail and of course I saved it because during the rupture when I was so angry with T I erased any others I had.

Mouse,

It truly is a mind screw. I have also had the experience where T's face starts to look like someone else and then back again.

I just wish all of this didn't hurt so much. This is integration? This is healing? It feels more like I've been put in a Medieval torture chamber.

Peace