Couch 240: The Vanadis Couch

My T is having car problems, which shouldn't be a problem as I usually see her virtually but she has to go pick up her car at the time of my appointment so no therapy today. She did text me and ask me to call her and she told me this in person that she might not be able to do my session and then texted and said for sure she couldn't do my session. I'm glad we had a session on Saturday now because then it won't feel so long. She said she would fit me in sometime this week. She had car problems a little while back that impacted our session. She said she likes her car but she is tired of having to get it fixed. I think she drives a Subaru. So IDK. At least I wasn't totally in crisis or something today. Sometimes I can't quite figure out if my T is just eccentric or if there should be red flags going off or something. I do really like her though and I know it is the relationship that is supposed to be the healing thing. Not sure if it matters so much with psychosis though. I just don't want to somehow get really hurt in the end of therapy with this T somehow. When she asked me to call her today, before I knew what was going on, I thought she was going to be like, I can't see you anymore or something. Amazing how my brain leapt to the most negative thing. Hmm.

I've been going throught my desk drawers and finding a lot of old interesting things such as the papers from when I filed for unemployment back in April 2008 and the names of the Therapist and Psychiatrist who I saw for 4 years whose names I jotted down when I was looking for a place to go for Therapy and Psychiatry back in late 2008/early 2009.

Now that I can't see my T tonight, of course I am wanting to see her. Before my appointment was canceled, I was just feeling neutral. Funny how emotions do that to us, switcharoo's so weird.

Thank you.

it is weird isn't it? i rescheduled my coaching session til tomorrow so i could talk to family, but now i'm wishing i'd kept it for today.

My insurance company offered me a case manager again. But I turned it down. I get attached and it's a short term thing, and then I feel bereft. Plus I really don't have time to be making all these goals and working on all these goals when my goal is to just stay stable. I did well with the case manager I had last year and the one before that but it just felt too much, too hard to do again.

Have physical therapy in less than an hour for my painful shoulder. Last time for the following several days I was in more pain than before I went to physical therapy. I hope that doesn't happen this time. Plus they seem really concentrated on the neck, which I get is the source of the shoulder pain, but then it makes my neck hurt when it didn't previously. Sigh.

I hope it helps Kit, and isn't too painful.

I fired Heinz. I don't want a therapist who's scared of me.

Also, she was annoying. And I've learned from Info that annoying therapists are often not worth it.

Wait, how did I miss out on Heinz!? How are they scared of you?

Art, I'm so sorry. That is an awful, awful way to go.

Red-headed (hence Heinz) grief counselor I saw four times. Second session, she got on my nerves so badly that I told her to be quiet and let me do the talking.

Since then she’s stared at me like a bunny caught in headlights, nodding fearfully at everything I say.

You deserve an awesome therapist, @@

Missing my T session yesterday (T cancelled) wasn't great. I think I am having a little bit of psychosis.

I keep getting the thought/feeling (not sure which) when I am under spotlight type lights that the lights are stealing my thoughts. I don't get it under long tube light florescent bulbs but I turned off my lights in my office just in case. I had this same thought/feeling when I was in the ER waiting to get transferred from there to the psych hospital.

I asked a close friend if she thought this was possible and she said no. I'm trying to believe her but it is hard when it feels so real.

I don't think I am at crisis where I need to be in a psych hospital but I'll talk to my Pdoc through the portal to see if he wants to boost up the Latuda. I guess I could text T too. But IDK.

On a positive note, physical therapy helped last night. I don't feel sore like I did after the first visit. I feel less pain overall, and less tingling/numbing in my left hand and arm. Not sure if it is the meds, or the therapy or both. I'm glad to have some relief though.

I hate the feeling of missing my T. And I don't want to tell her I am missing her because I don't want her to feel guilty for missing our session last night. So I need to sit with this feeling. This too shall pass.

Hugs, Kit. I'm glad your physical therapy helped and that you don't feel sore this time.

My therapist is moving offices at the end of this week. Today will be the last session where he hasn't started moving stuff out. I'm really unhappy about this move. We moved a lot when I was a kid and this kind of feels like the same thing, being dragged around unwillingly to places I didn't want to be. He's also about to go on two trips with a week in between them and when he gets back from the first one, we'll be in the new office.

I feel for you NP_Complete. My former T moved offices once. It was very disconcerting.

Our outside accountants are treating me like I don't know crap.

I went online to the website they use and I pulled up our account, took a screen shot, and walked them through it. Then they are like, oh my mistake. And then proceed to tell me the process for a different activity, which I already know as well. I have elevated the discussion to the owner/President because now I am upset.

Just wanted a nice quiet Wednesday. Alas. Not to be. Probably won't get a resolution tonight from the President of the accounting company but hopefully tomorrow.

At least we had a catered lunch today at work and a really delicious strawberry cake for 2 o'clock break.

Debating whether I feel sociable enough to go to Church tonight.

Had a nice talk with C this afternoon after work; I'm glad I decided to do another 8 weeks of this program, and that I still have her for my coach.

Oh, dear god.

Yay well done for advocating for your self artie!

Especially tired today. prolly because I took some anxiety medication this morning when I was facing a lot of tasks at work. I was able to plough through those. But now I feel like liquid and I could slide right out of my chair on to the floor and take a nap.

I called my Mom on my lunch break and I was telling her how I was tired. She was like, don't leave work early because you don't want to give them the impression that you are not committed to your job.

I was annoyed by that. I've been at this job for six years and haven't got fired yet. Knock on wood. I haven't been fired from my other two jobs either. I have a meeting today anyway this afternoon so there is no option to go home early.