[SlumberKitty]

Hi everyone,

I got a weird and sad text from T. It was just a picture of herself, no text. But she has a huge bruise over her eye. It is very dark and it starts under her eye and continues up her forehead. It was rather shocking to get that text actually.

As usual, I don't know what the heck the woman was thinking sending me that text. I find it a bit traumatizing. Especially as there were no words attached to it. I did text her and ask her if she fell and if she broke anything and then sent her a cute picture of my new pup to try to cheer her up. She replied that she fell, she's fine and she's sleeping. Um. Okay.

T canceled my last session (last Tuesday). I have no idea if she will be up for talking tomorrow. Here I am worried about her and how she is doing, but then I'm worried for myself like how I am going to do if we miss another session and I'm feeling guilty about worrying about myself.

I asked a particular friend to pray for T and sent her the picture. When I related to her my feelings about the picture and how I am feeling she suggested that perhaps T didn't hold the boundary, that she didn't protect me.

I'm not sure it is T's job to protect me, but certainly to do no harm and that picture of her is alarming! If maybe she would have put some words to it, it might not have been so bad. IDK, it's pretty bad.

Maybe she was sending me the picture so she doesn't frighten me tomorrow if we have a Zoom. Although a warning, like a trigger code would have been preferable.

I want to "take care of" T even though I can't. There's absolutely nothing physically I can do for her. But I am also very concerned about my appointment tomorrow and maybe that makes me a very selfish person. Then my head goes all over the place and into a lot of negative thoughts about myself.

Ugh. I didn't need this today. I need T to be there for me.

Then again (trigger for SH)

Possible trigger:

I have sent T pictures a few times of SH wounds, mostly so I could get her opinion on whether or not I should seek treatment.

so maybe she thought it wouldn't upset me to see her in that condition.

It upsets me.

Now I don't know what to do about tomorrow.

Thanks to anyone who read it through til now. I'm not sure what I need. Maybe just comments about whether I am being selfish or if T is making things about her a little too much.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hugs, Kit. I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think it was rather inappropriate the way she just texted the picture with no explanation, no preliminary explanation before sending it. It's not your job to take care of her. Therapy's about you, not about her.

I would be disturbed and probably a little afraid about what might have happened too.

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks, Artie.

[Deejay14]

I would say that it was very inappropriate. What was she thinking?? I would ask her not to do anything like that again. Please don't think for one more second on your being selfish....you are not!

[NP_Complete]

I think if she had just written you something to let you know what had happened and to warn you that she has a large facial bruise so it wouldn't be so shocking to see her on Zoom, that would have been fine. Maybe asked if you wanted to see a photo before sending it. But sending that photo without any explanation seems kind of bizarre and shocking to me. I think I would be pretty upset as well. Maybe she has a concussion and isn't thinking straight?

[SlumberKitty]

Thank you Deejay and NP_Complete.

My T is RANDOM. So her bizarre-ness never ceases to amaze me. But this was a terrifying text to get.

I was kind of happy when I saw she texted me out of the blue, and when I saw it was a picture text I thought it was going to be some happy little heart or "thinking of you" sort of thing.

I was very unprepared for what I saw. I love my T but she is so random sometimes. It's jarring.

[Rive.]

You are NOT being selfish, SK. At all.

And sorry, I know you like your T, but this is really not professional and your T does a really poor job at upholding professional and ethical boundaries. It is completely different for a client to send their T pics of their wounds but it is not okay (i.e. completely inappropriate) to send clients pics of their injuries. Where is the boundary? How is that helpful or therapeutic?

A T's intervention (be it a treatment plan or words or actions) primarily ought to hold this premise i.e. how it is beneficial to my client, how is it therapeutic, how is it in the client's best interests etc.

She is injured. Fine. At your scheduled sssion time, she can explain to you what happened. But this blurring of boundaries by sending you her bruises? It's like she wants your sympathy and wants you to take care of her. This is not your job. Worse, it makes you feel guilty and helpless - and in your words (which is perfectly understandable and valid), traumatising. This is not right.

The duty of care is on T's side, not the client's.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Kit. This would really disturb me as well, particularly with no context around it. Are you certain it was meant for you? Though I guess she'd have realized when you sent her a text back and said if she'd intended to send it to, say, her doctor or a friend instead.

You're not being selfish. As NP said, it would be different if she'd texted you to warn you she would look injured on Zoom or to say she wasn't sure if she'd be able to meet tomorrow, both without including the photo. Then, maybe, if you said something like, "oh no, how bad is it?" she could have said, "Would you like to see a photo?" Then waited for you to say yes before sending it. But to send it unsolicited and particularly without context doesn't seem fair to you.

And you sending her a pic of what you described is very different (plus, I think you'd asked about it first, too, right? it wasn't just random).

[SlumberKitty]

Thank you Rive.

You reminded me about things being beneficial or therapeutic to the client. She should have kept that in mind. I have no idea what she wants from me. But yes, maybe my sympathy. I do feel bad for her. It looks terribly painful. If I didn't know better I would have thought maybe DV. But that is unlikely as she is single. She lives with her brother though so you never know. And I think her son lives on the property. Like a guest house or something. She has fallen before and shown me her injuries on Zoom but this was so jarring this morning. It wasn't helpful. It wasn't beneficial to me. And it wasn't therapeutic.

[SlumberKitty]

Thank you LT.

I think I have both asked T before sending her something and at other times told her that I had SH-ed and that it was bad before sending her the photo so there was some context. A random photo out of the blue, which she does tend to send me, is not very helpful and is very upsetting. I *should probably talk to T about this but I am so *non-confrontational that I know I won't. I will chalk it up to more random bizareness from my T.

[Rive.]

I was going to ask if you would broach it with her... Some of the stuff she does feels like a role reversal, as in she wants you to take care of her. This is not right.

What she does has an impact on you (her clients) and she really ought to bear that in mind.

[SlumberKitty]

I texted T and told her that I was leaving it up to her if she felt up to having a session tomorrow. That only she can know if she feels well enough, and that she can let me know tomorrow. I imagine her hand or arm might be messed up too if she tried to break her fall. She might be in need of some painkillers which could make a session difficult. But only she knows what she can handle.

Then I told her that I guess this is what it feels like when I send her a SH picture. I want to take care of her and I can't. I want to comfort her and I can't.

That's about as confrontational as I will get with her. I wanted to tell her I feel helpless. I might still tell her that. But we'll see.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Kit - I'm not going to lie: I worry about you with this T. She has really bad boundaries and that can be really harmful.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Kit - I'm not going to lie: I worry about you with this T. She has really bad boundaries and that can be really harmful.

Yeah I know. Sigh.

I think I am too attached to leave though.

The same boundaries that have her sharing this banged up, bruised picture of herself with me, are the same boundaries that have her telling me she loves me. I guess if one has too much in one direction (the love part), the pendulum swings back the other way too far (disclosing too much personal stuff). I worry about her. I can't even tell if I have gotten better with her. I don't know. But it's like my heart is already bound up with hers. I can't tear it apart.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Thank you Rive.

You reminded me about things being beneficial or therapeutic to the client. She should have kept that in mind. I have no idea what she wants from me. But yes, maybe my sympathy. I do feel bad for her. It looks terribly painful. If I didn't know better I would have thought maybe DV. But that is unlikely as she is single. She lives with her brother though so you never know. And I think her son lives on the property. Like a guest house or something. She has fallen before and shown me her injuries on Zoom but this was so jarring this morning. It wasn't helpful. It wasn't beneficial to me. And it wasn't therapeutic.

what i bolded. aside from her fee, she should not want anything from you. this is making me really appreciate L's refrain of "Stop making this about me!" whenever I'd express worry or concern about her for one reason or another. I'm sorry she's so random and un-boundaried.

I wonder, can you ask her that question? Like, 'when you sent me that picture with no explanation, I was confused and worried and didn't understand what you wanted from me?'

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Yeah I know. Sigh.

I think I am too attached to leave though.

The same boundaries that have her sharing this banged up, bruised picture of herself with me, are the same boundaries that have her telling me she loves me. I guess if one has too much in one direction (the love part), the pendulum swings back the other way too far (disclosing too much personal stuff). I worry about her. I can't even tell if I have gotten better with her. I don't know. But it's like my heart is already bound up with hers. I can't tear it apart.

Attachment can be SO hard. I still feel attached to and miss L and it's been almost 10 months since our last session. Strange to still feel that attachment when it's been that long since we last sat across from each other.

[Rive.]

I feel she may be doing you more harm than good - insidious harm because she doesn't even seem aware of what she is doing with her clients! Sometimes she acts like a small child and you have to 'save' her (paying for Zoom when that is HER responsibility) and taking care of her. What the heck.

How on earth can she even think it is appropriate to send such pics to a client?! You are already struggling with your own stuff PLUS now you are taking on HER stuff. This causes more harm, unnecessary and unethical harm, than good.

Frankly, I am feeling quite angry at your T, for what she is doing to you.

[downandlonely]

I agree with others that it was inappropriate of her to send a photo of her injury, especially with no context. You seem like a very caring person. I am too, and sometimes I want to take care of the whole world. But there's only so much you can do. And it is not your job to take care of your therapist.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I texted T and told her that I was leaving it up to her if she felt up to having a session tomorrow. That only she can know if she feels well enough, and that she can let me know tomorrow. I imagine her hand or arm might be messed up too if she tried to break her fall. She might be in need of some painkillers which could make a session difficult. But only she knows what she can handle.

Then I told her that I guess this is what it feels like when I send her a SH picture. I want to take care of her and I can't. I want to comfort her and I can't.

That's about as confrontational as I will get with her. I wanted to tell her I feel helpless. I might still tell her that. But we'll see.

Kit, I think it's good that you told her all of that. Maybe it will help her understand the effect of sending that photo? I hope she'll at least apologize for affecting you that way. She knows you're sensitive and caring and so would be concerned about her. Hugs.

[Mystical_Being]

Hugs Kit. You are not selfish. You have a good heart and seem to be a very caring person. It is not your job to take care of your therapist though, which is seems she might want. Just the fact that after she sent you this picture you said you felt terrified and selfish are red flags. You have your own stuff to manage that you are in therapy for which is the purpose of this therapist. Yet she is causing you more anguish.

I have seen your posts about your T and there are so many red flags from sending this picture, to suddenly canceling a session to go on vacation, to having a meeting with you and your parents with no discussion first or much notice, to canceling sessions frequently so you have to wonder if you will have one, to telling you that she loves you. I am really concerned that she might be doing more harm than good and her lack of boundaries and self awareness. It seems like she is already causing harm and I am worried you could get really hurt in the end.

I had a therapist that was similar in many ways and the love and attachment made me stay as well. I got severely hurt in the end and it took me years to work through the damage she caused when I needed to work on what brought me to therapy in the first place. It took years to get over her. I wish someone had told me how bad it was before I got really hurt. Only you know what’s best for you. But does it feel like therapy is helping you or causing you more worry and negative feelings? What does your gut say about this?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Oh gosh I'm so sorry kit but this is so massively inappropriate of your t. It sounds to me like she wants attention and if so she has serious issues that would damage you down the line. She should not be trying to get her needs met through you and this is what it looks like. I know you're attached but she is likely to re traumatise you.

[SlumberKitty]

So we are scheduled for a session today, with the caveat that if she isn't "up to it" we can reschedule.

I don't know if I will be able to discuss this with her out loud. I might send her an email and explain because I do so much better in writing than in talking.

I'm not sure if I am getting better with her.

Possible trigger:

I did have several SH lapses/relapses while seeing her

but that could be caused by a number of things.

I hear all of you telling me there are red flags. I need to think about what I want and need from her and whether or not she can give it. Like consistency. Thank you all for replying and for your answers.

[ElectricManatee]

I hear what you say about being attached, and I understand how hard it can be to walk away even when there are all these red flags and inconsistencies. You want to keep getting more of the good stuff from her, and you want to give her the benefit of the doubt about things that can be interpreted in multiple ways. I do think, however, that the warmth and caring come from you too, and you get to take that with you. Your ability to attach to other people and build good relationships is a strength, and whether you stay or go, it's something inherent to you. You have the ability to build a strong relationship with another therapist or potentially other key people too.

For what it's worth, I agree with everybody else that this is concerning and disturbing. You are not overreacting, not even a little bit.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Kit. I think an email is a good idea. That way, even if you don't end up meeting today, you've also gotten your thoughts out and can discuss them next time (or maybe she'd reply).

Consistency is a very reasonable thing to ask for. It seems she's canceled lots of sessions lately, some at the last minute, for assorted reasons (car, injury or illness, vacation). This would definitely be a concern for me. Sure, things come up and a T has to miss an occasional session. But this seems very frequent. And it might be different if, say, she had a chronic health issue that she let you know about, where she'd expect to be missing time more frequently. And then you could make the decision of whether to stay with her or find someone else. But many of these just sound random.

If there are other things you feel you need from her, I'd ask her about those, too. Or things she's doing that you don't want (like sending pictures).

I hope if you do meet that it goes well.

[elisewin]

She did what!? At first I was sure she was supposed to sent it to someone else and just didn't want to admit it, but reading here that she has made other random and concerning stuff it might as well be she really intended to send it to you. Which is f'd up in so many ways! Like, one is not the sharpest pencil of the box sending pictures like that with no explanation to anyone, but one is definitely lacking all the pencils if sending that to a therapy client!