Hugs/holds in therapy

This is probably a topic that has been brought up countless times before, but it’s something relatively new for me. Side note, I was not hugged as a child bu anyone, so physical touch is very foreign to me

I probably found the courage to ask my T for a hug a few months ago. She didn’t even hesitate at the idea and the unspoken rule is that she initiates because I won’t.

Sometimes it’s been a quick hello/goodbye hug, other times it’s been slightly longer and I’ve been really able to feel the comfort of it.

I have a hard time opening up to my T, trusting that she is capable of not letting me lose control if I were to because upset and cry. But sometimes these hugs almost trigger those tears.

So, I’ve recently asked for longer hugs and I got one. I have never in my life felt like that. I felt physically comforted, like my mind eased and I just felt somewhat okay after a really difficult session.

Anyone else have some hug/hold experience to share? Positive or negative is welcome

Oh so many. Positive. All positive and so incredibly healing for me. I'll try and come back to this later but I am so glad you have a therapist that understands the powerful healing effect of safe nurturing touch and I hope that it has the same benefits for you as it did for me.

I wasn't hugged or touched much either growing up. So touch now is really special to me and I'm very picky about who touches me and how.

Touch with L has always been positive. I have two most favorite experiences: when we hugged and she put her hand on the back of my head, and when were we're holding hands, I started to pull away and she pulled me back to her.

I used to hug a lot of people pre-Covid. I don't hug much anymore. I think I have hugged therapists in the past. It was not really a positive or negative experience.

However, when the dermatologist hugged me before and after each appointment, I thought that was kind of weird. She did ask though, and I accepted.

I have had both good and bad experiences with hugs and other touch in therapy. One T used it against me to control and manipulate me and my emotions.

Awesome T gives hugs at the end of every session and any time I have the courage to ask but I have to ask because we are still working on it being OK for me to have needs and a voice. He will also hold me which has been amazing to our work together. Once I ask him to hold me he comes over to the far side of the couch and puts a pillow up to his side and I can move in and out of being held for the rest of the session.

To me the thing that makes any touch in therapy safe or unsafe is that the client in some way or another needs to initiate/consent and it has to be unconditional.

I feel the same way, although I really only like hugs on very special occasions.

My T gives me a hug after every session. After particularly emotional ones, she always makes sure I am comfortable with a hug.

We have a big, unrushed hug at the end of every session. My t's hands are very old and very soft. Sometimes I hold them for a moment after our hug. I love hugs and find them very healthy.

The T's I've seen didn't give hugs. I love hugs and I think they can be very healing.

Ex-T didn't allow hugs for me for a long time (though she said at one point she allowed them for other clients--I just had too much maternal transference, which felt shaming). She eventually allowed them on occasion, if it was a particularly difficult session or before a break or holiday. It felt nice, but I sort of wish they could have been a regular session-ender, and I never knew how much would be "too much."

Ex-MC and current T (Dr. T) don't hug clients, which I'm generally OK with. Both shake hands (ex-MC with everyone and Dr. T only if a client specifically says they want that). I know handshakes probably seem businesslike compared to hugs, but with ex-MC, he used to shake at both the start and the end of a session (until he moved offices). I found it to be very grounding and calming, particularly if I was anxious going into session. Or at the end, if it had been a difficult one. He'd nearly always say "It was good to see you" with them, which felt nice.

With Dr. T, we shook hands at the end of each session prepandemic, then we were virtual for a long time (well, a brief few-week in-person stint in Summer 2021), then have been mostly in person since around March of this year. Initially, he made it clear that handshakes weren't allowed (due to Covid, even though we me unmasked--we did sit 6 feet apart though). Then I asked if he'd be willing at some point to start handshakes again (offering to sanitize first and even wear a mask). He said he'd think about it, and...nothing. Finally, in September, it was the 5-year anniversary of my starting therapy with him, and I asked if we could then. He agreed, and it was nice. I wasn't sure if it was just going to be a one-off, but we've continued the handshaking since then.

I had explained to him when I asked about it earlier this year the meaning it had for me. That even if I'd talked about something very shameful during session (or something that might have made him uncomfortable, like if I mentioned transference toward him), his still being willing to physically touch me at the end felt healing in a way. It also feels connecting and grounding to me. I know it's not the same as a hug, but I almost feel I get more from touching hand to hand (I'm not much of a hugger in general).

Yeah I can definitely see how it has the potential to be harmful if the T is after some control.

I would like to have the space for that holding. But the therapy room offers very little movement and there’s no couch. I imagine it could be quite soothing and honestly think it would be an opportunity to open up more. I’d have to ask T to sit in the floor with me, which I believe she finds quite uncomfortable

Yeah not knowing how much is going to be “too much” is scary. I often wonder if that supply is going to dry up. I wonder WHEN it’s going to dry up, not IF…

Handshakes definitely seem more formal, but it’s still tough and meaningful. Like you said, that hand to hand contact. It’s still a moment of being held and grounded I think.

Thanks for the reply

I didn't think L would sit with me on the floor. I asked, and now we do it every session.

Same….I was never held or hugged or comforted. My therapist hugs me a lot. Its very healing.

I think physical touch can be incredibly healing and shouldnÂ’t be shamed or made to feel awkward or a weird thing to want in therapy. I have intense maternal transference with my T. It can be both wonderful and incredibly painful. IÂ’m in the incredibly painful part right now. Wonderful moments have included the first time she hugged me when she knew I wanted a hug without me having to ask after a really difficult session, and every hug weÂ’ve had at the end of each session since then. Painful moments are when I want anything more than 1 hug per session. I havenÂ’t wanted to ask because I knew sheÂ’d reject me, because sheÂ’s being really careful not to encourage my maternal transference, but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her for a cuddle today (donÂ’t judge) and she wouldnÂ’t. And it has broken my heart into a million pieces and I donÂ’t feel as safe in our relationship anymore.

Sorry I know I've mentioned it loads, but it's still on my mind.

I was made to feel like I dirty attention seeker when I mentioned hugs with my therapist. I finally felt safe enough to see if I could get contact/a hug, and he just told me that sometimes he hugged clients, but only when it felt right. I think he's trying to get rid of me now. It's weird that they think we can't tell when they are fake.

Anyway It was years ago, and he's never brought it up since...of course I won't bring it up again, I'm not being rejected like that another time.

Sometimes I wonder if he did it to be nasty and keep me stuck in an unsafe mode.

Lostislost you are not a dirty attention seeker and I’m sorry you were made to feel that way. I feel like a dirty attention seeker right now. I finally plucked up the courage to ask T for a cuddle yesterday. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage for months to ask her that and breaks my heart that she didn’t even say anything but I could tell in her face she had to try not to laugh at me. She knows how sensitive I am to rejection as well. I have no idea how she feels but I too think she’s trying to get rid of me. I’m just left alone and confused. It’s so bad I want to terminate therapy but I’m so attached to her it’ll break my heart if I do. But I suppose my hearts breaking anyway…

I guess I am wrong n the minority here, but I am not for hugs in therapy because in the end in the the client that gets hurt. Its not an equitable relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bearybear ...I havenÂ’t wanted to ask because I knew sheÂ’d reject me, because sheÂ’s being really careful not to encourage my maternal transference, but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her for a cuddle today (donÂ’t judge) and she wouldnÂ’t....

Ooh, I'm not judging you, at all. I'm in a very similar place with my t, except I haven't had the courage to ask her to hold me. You were so brave to ask. I'm wondering why your t is discouraging transference? It should be worked with, I believe, not just discouraged.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostislost ... Sometimes I wonder if he did it to be nasty and keep me stuck in an unsafe mode.

Might you be able to ask him?

I’m a hugger. I come from a very huggy family. So hugs are very natural, common, and easy for me. My therapists and I hugged pretty regularly without it ever even coming up in conversation. I guess they sensed it was sort of a natural thing for me and it just was what it was. No big meaning or need for discussion. I can see how it can be a bigger issue or even a bad idea for some though.

Touch was different though. If I was dissociated particularly, my therapists were very careful to ask me before they touched me in any way.

I think that is the dilemma therapists have to negotiate. Will the touch be natural and not loaded with issues? Or is it helpful but needs discussion because of issues? Or is it harmful? Every client is quite individual. And, it can even vary for an individual client depending on the circumstances.

I suspect some therapists put a firm no touch boundary up to just not have to negotiate the issues, but I have found that my good therapists knew how to work with me and knew when it was fine and when they needed to navigate touch more carefully.

My current therapist put her hand on my back at the end of our first couple sessions. She pretty much just brushed the back of my hoodie though. I don't like being touched although I did shake her hand when I first met her to be polite. Probably not the smartest idea, but it was kinda impulsive.

Thank you *Beth* for your reply and for sharing that you’re in a similar place right now, that makes me feel less alone. Thank you for saying it was brave and seeing that, that means a lot. Sometimes I just don’t want to hold things in, you know? But it was made to feel desperate and shameful don’t let that discourage you from sharing that with your T though, she may react differently to mine especially if she’s not inclined to discourage the transference. i wish mine didn’t try and discourage it so much. There are a couple reasons why. she keeps saying she doesn’t want me to become more attached to her because she says she doesn’t want me to be dependant on her and she says “with time we come to a place where we are not attached to anyone or anything, and that is where freedom lies” (sometimes just feels like rejection & shaming though) Also she keeps saying my feelings towards her are not about her, she says she is just my ‘mirror’, and that she’s showing me the qualities that I need to find inside myself to provide to myself and my inner child. She says doesn’t want me to get “too far down the road” of thinking it’s about her when it’s not…confusing stuff…and it feels like at least some of it is?! I get that she doesn’t want to make me dependant on her but sometimes I think she expects too much of me at the stage I’m at. I need to be able to depend on her to make me feel emotionally safe in sessions. (I would love to be able to depend on her reassurance out of sessions but I know that’s too much to ask for her and she has tight boundaries about contact outside of sessions which is hard) She is SO tight with her reassurance because she doesn’t want to keep me “stuck in a cycle of reassurance” with her because she says it’s like an “addiction.” Hurts so bad in sessions when I just need reassurance that she doesn’t think differently of me when I tell her hard things such as shameful coping skills. I’m wondering your thoughts on all this and how does your therapist work with transference?

My t hugs me hello and goodbye. I think it is so sad that in a world of hurting people that a simple hug is something t's won't do.