[emibhog]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here and the main reason why I registered to MSF.
Less than an year ago I started going to therapy for the first time; the T (a man, I'm a woman) helped me a lot going through a stressful period and also deeper anxiety issues; I can say, that after an year I can really see the benefits.
Lately I noticed that maybe I feel a sort of attraction (maybe more admiration? Transference?) to my T, but I thought that's because he's been very helpful to me (more than a sexual attraction). Anyway, sometimes I'm not feeling 100% comfortable with him because of that. I've tried to get along with it anyway.
Last week it happened that he asked me why, in the last sessions, I was talking more about my friends, family and so on instead than talking about myself.
I said that sometimes I feel embarrassed when I don't have a specif top to talk about, and I stressed out that it happens also with friends etc...
He asked me if I was feeling embarrassed in that right moment, I said "yes"; then he changed face completely, smiled and told me: "You know, you have a very beautiful smile when you are embarrassed".
I said "Thank you", I was even more uncomfortable (of course!) and then somehow we went on with the main topic of the therapy.
But when I left I felt really strange and I'm thinking about it ever since. I don't know if his reaction was a sort of "Counter-transference", but I know that I feel very uncomfortable now and I'm not sure if I want to go on with him. On one side I think I could talk with him about it and see what happens; on the other hand, I think what he's done went over the boundaries and I feel like changing therapist.
What do you think? What would be you suggestion? Did something like this happened to you (patient or therapist?)
Best,
Emibhog

[Breaking Dawn]

I would change therapists. I've experienced this discomfort with a family doctor & another doctor, but I had zero interest in them personally. I have social anxiety anyway, & it was very embarrissing, mortifying both times. I never went back. Still bad memories for me. Your therapist should be trying hard to make you feel at ease, in order for you to be able to trust them, in my opinion.

[InkyBooky]

This does sound concerning and is possibly a red flag.

It's impossible to know exactly how he intended that comment to land for you, but regardless of his intentions his comment made you feel "very uncomfortable"- so it's definitely an issue you need to address one way or another. You could decide that he has crossed a line and that you don't want to see him again. There would be nothing wrong with doing that. You don't owe him an explanation or another session. You could simply send an email and say something like "Please cancel my future appointments. I will not be returning to therapy with you."

Or, you could tell him how the comment made you feel. Let him know that it made you very uncomfortable and that it felt like he was possibly crossing a major boundary....and see how he handles that. Then decide if you want to move forward. Whatever you do is always your choice, regardless of what he may say about it.

The only thing I would suggest you not do is ignore or diminish the fact that you feel this way or that his comment made you uncomfortable. In other words, please don't brush it under the rug and talk yourself out of addressing this issue with him (or terminating if that's what you decide is best for you). You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your therapy and with your therapist.

[Rive.]

It is not ethical for Ts to comment on physical appearance or attractiveness. It is suggestive, verging on provocative - or even the start of grooming. This is the standard of practice and Ts can get in trouble for that. Precisely because of the confusion such comments create and possible ensuing abuse.

I would listen to your inner voice i.e. being uncomfortable or feeling for a while now that something is 'off' between the two of you. That voice is the best guidance you have. Definite red flag / alarm here.

[*Beth*]

I suggest that you neither ignore the comment (and the feelings you've recently had), nor abruptly end the therapeutic relationship. I know it can be really hard, but I strongly suggest that you bring all of your feelings out into the light during session and find out exactly what's happening. It may be that there is a transference situation. If it turns out that your therapist is being inappropriate you'll know by the way he behaves when you talk about how you feel. If not, there may be some very important material for you to work with. Remember that if you feel too uncomfortable for any reason you always have the option to stand up and walk out.