My breakup with ex T

The issue is not about a therapist being intentionally manipulative but *as a therapist* not even considering (for someone who supposedly loves Kit *so much*) the impact of her words or actions on another, or how damaging these can be for a client. How ethical is that?!

That woman is supposed to be a professional at the service of another (a THERAPIST) - not trying to keep people close by saying that no one will ever love them as much as she does. How messed up is that?! She was not even honest. She realised she was limited in her ability to help vs. she was educating herself to help Kit vs. she was thinking of referring SK out... Well, which is it? She cannot even be consistent.

Frankly, I wonder if she would even be a 'good friend'. She always seems to take on this helpless, victim, role and people around her have to come to her rescue (pay for her Zoom, send her books, check up on her mental and/or physical condition, send her links to sessions, educate her). Even here, it was all about her - her love, her pain, her efforts to make this work and guilt-tripping the other (her CLIENT) for abandoning her. No awareness as to her impact on another.

What kind of 'friend' (let alone therapist) does that make? This is messed up. That woman needs a therapist herself or a relationship where she is taken care of by another.

Absolutely magnificent reporting! Thank you!!

Thank you Rive. For the validation. I'm going to talk to new T about it and read her what ex-T wrote because I feel like I am in a huge mind **** and I cannot figure out top from bottom. I need someone to help me sort it in a professional way. HUGS Kit

God bless you, dear Kit!

I thought it was a very sweet and heartfelt message. And I agree that by moving on you made a choice that was best for you which is something to be proud of.

Please let us know what new t says about what ex-t wrote to you, Kit. I feel just about as confused as you do. I'm not getting the super-strong bad feelings about ex-t that most others here do, but I am also a caretaking type of person. So yeah...I'm feeling unsure, too. I'm so sorry...I don't envy your position

Thanks *Beth*

New T said that it sounded like ex-T was trying to process the ending of our relationship while she wrote the text to me which is why it was so up and down. She said some of it was unprofessional and perhaps inappropriate. She said she could understand why I said ouch when I did. And I gave her a little more context about my caretaking of my therapist, like when she cancelled my session and then sent me a text of her drinking in a bar in Vegas, or when she sent me a text and she was all beat up looking, like it look like someone beat the crap out of her, but she said that she fell. It's hard to not caretake to someone like that. And I said that when I first started seeing her it was after IOP and to have that care and love and to be held after losing like 5 session a week was really helpful but the longer things went on the more bizarre they became and I could no longer make heads or tails of it. New T said that it was good that I realized that although she might have been a good T for me at one time, she was no longer a good T for me now. We weren't working on anything. We weren't making progress. I didn't feel understood. What the hell was I paying her for? It wasn't like I had an AHA moment after talking to new T about it. But I don't feel crazy. I feel like maybe any normalish person might have had some ouch moments in reading that text. Not that I felt like ouch for the whole thing but just parts of it. And I was glad that new T didn't bash old T because I do love old T. She is just not good for me right now in my journey.

HUGS Kit

I'm so proud of you Kit for doing what was right for you. I admire your strength and determination to get the care you need and deserve. You inspire me.

I second this!

I like new T so far!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty Thanks *Beth* New T said that it sounded like ex-T was trying to process the ending of our relationship while she wrote the text to me which is why it was so up and down. She said some of it was unprofessional and perhaps inappropriate. She said she could understand why I said ouch when I did. And I gave her a little more context about my caretaking of my therapist, like when she cancelled my session and then sent me a text of her drinking in a bar in Vegas, or when she sent me a text and she was all beat up looking, like it look like someone beat the crap out of her, but she said that she fell. It's hard to not caretake to someone like that. And I said that when I first started seeing her it was after IOP and to have that care and love and to be held after losing like 5 session a week was really helpful but the longer things went on the more bizarre they became and I could no longer make heads or tails of it. New T said that it was good that I realized that although she might have been a good T for me at one time, she was no longer a good T for me now. We weren't working on anything. We weren't making progress. I didn't feel understood. What the hell was I paying her for? It wasn't like I had an AHA moment after talking to new T about it. But I don't feel crazy. I feel like maybe any normalish person might have had some ouch moments in reading that text. Not that I felt like ouch for the whole thing but just parts of it. And I was glad that new T didn't bash old T because I do love old T. She is just not good for me right now in my journey. HUGS Kit

Thank you for sharing that, Kit. Yikes!- to the Vegas thing . And now I remember when she sent you the "beat up" text - yes, that was odd. I definitely agree that she was probably processing as she was writing. And I am also glad that new t didn't bash old t; that would have been very upsetting for me if I was in your place.

It sounds like new t (and you!) handled it all really well. I hope your therapy work goes very well with new t.

Thank you everyone. You have made a very difficult and painful part of my present much easier to deal with by your listening, responding, hugs, and care for me. Thank you all. HUGS kit

I start a (non-paid) medical leave on Monday. I’ve tried so many things to help with the pain in my feet. Nothing is working, and I am sure being on my feet all day has it been helpful. This is a relief, because I’ve been in constant pain for two months. Tonight the pain is the highest it’s been. A 13 out of 10. Tomorrow will be worse, as Fridays always are.

I know it’s just one more day of work, but I
truly dont know how I will do it. Probably a lot of bathroom crying.

I also think it's good that the new T didn't bash old T. When I was recently thinking of leaving Dr. T to see a different T, I had a free consultation with a potential new T. She was very critical of him, which in the moment felt helpful to me. But I then realized that it would have been difficult to process the Dr. T relationship with her when she was saying things like "He shouldn't even be a therapist."

I ended up deciding to stay with Dr. T, so it doesn't matter now. But if/when I leave in the future, I think I'd need a more nuanced T, as it's a complicated relationship, with both good and bad, and I'd want it to be processed that way. Rather than, "He sucks, what was going on with you that you stayed that long?" Really, I could see that being an issue with discussing any relationship with her. As much as it can feel validating for someone to say something like, "Yeah, your therapist/mother/ex-partner sucked!" I'm not sure it helps in the long run to be so black and white.

Hugs, Velcro. I imagine this was meant for the Couch, but wanted to offer you support. I hope something will help soon. I'm sorry it has to be unpaid leave though. Hope you get through today OK.

HUGS Velcro

I originally said that I thought the response was heartfelt and sweet. I still think some of it is, but I see more clearly now the problems with it and I had forgotten the previous posts you had written about the boundary issues and other things. I am sorry that it didn't work out with her. I think your new therapist's response was very nice. I hope you can do good work with the new therapist.

Oops, that was meant for the Couch thread! Sorry, Kit.

It's okay! HUGS

Crap. This saga is not over.

Ex T texted me. I had bought her books on self harm once she said she didn't understand it. She wanted to know if I wanted them mailed to me. I do not. I already have them. She said she was wondering what she did wrong. I just took the blame for everything. Said I loved her too much and didn't want to hurt her by being unwell and I am unwell right now. Thought maybe she would feel better. I feel like crap.

She responded back
Yes I understand. But I think we could have worked it out. Its ok. I want the best for you. If I'm not it so be it...but I doubt you will find anyone that carried you in their heart daily. I hope I'm wrong. But I can't deny its a big loss for me because I was thoroughly dedicated and determined to help you be well and peaceful. I have to turn it over to God now. Protecting me was your issue.
_____________

OMG! I am still being hurt by this woman. I cried a little and I don't even cry. I'm just trying to do what I think is best for my mental health. I haven't gotten any better with her in 14 months. I could be with her another 7 years and still not be better. I think that was enough of a trial to know that this approach isn't working. Maybe I should have tried to talk to her before leaving her. But I just chickened out. And she might have talked me into staying. I really felt it was time to leave. When I told her I was having trouble sleeping she told me to drink alcohol and smoke pot. Both things are not for me. And she should have known that. I don't care if other people do them, but they aren't right for me. Like what the heck. I texted new T who is going to get sick of me quick. I told her what was said. Not that she can help. My head hurts. This is like a bad romantic breakup. I'm such a mess.

Ugh, Kit, I'm so sorry. You're right that it sounds like a bad romantic breakup--hopefully she won't be showing up at your door with roses! She's acting very unprofessionally. It's like she used receiving the books as an excuse to contact you again--she could have just sent them along to you without asking. Or simply texted and said "I received the books--do you want me to send them to you or should I return them to Amazon?"

And it's wrong that she said again how she doubts anyone will love you/carry you in their heart (basically the same thing) like she did. I'm sorry. It seems like she's trying to guilt trip you. If you haven't replied to this latest message, I'd either let it go without replying or reply and say you think it would be best to not have any additional contact while you focus on your current therapy. Or something like that. But I understand that would be difficult to do. So maybe just let this text be and don't respond to any others from her.

Hugs...

omg Kit "Protecting me was your issue." ??? That's so not right for her to say that, she definitely has no right to guilt trip you like that. I am so very sorry that you're having to deal with that bs on top of everything.

wait what?? She told you to drink alcohol and smoke pot when you said you were having trouble sleeping?! Just, wow.

Oh, I forgot to respond to that part about the alcohol and pot. So, yes, alcohol can potentially help you fall asleep, but it's ultimately disruptive to sleep--leading to waking in the middle of the night or at least poor-quality sleep. Definitely not something a therapist should be recommending! Pot, I'm not sure? There are other natural things she could recommend, like chamomile tea, magnesium, a weighted blanket, lavender oil, etc. Maybe CBD/hemp oil (which you can get without any THC, the part of pot that makes people high), which I've been trying at times for sleep with varied success.

I'm not saying she is one, but she's playing out of an abuser's handbook with the whole "no one will love you like I love you"/"you'll never find love again" thing. She's making all of this about her and her ego. You made this move because it is what you needed and I think it's great that you were able to see that and act on it. Maybe consider just blocking her at this point?

Goodness me Kit, I'm shocked that exT has contacted you again and sorry for the bad effect its had on you. She is definitely out of order, and if you haven't already done so, I'd block further contact from her in order to protect yourself.

You've already said elsewhere that you've had to contact a crisis line. It's totally unacceptable that she's making you feel so bad.

As the client you have the right to leave, to say that it's not working, either with or without any further explanation.

I know you have a kind heart, but this Ts behaviour is bordering on emotionally abusive. Please do what you need to do to look after yourself.

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